Gather round children. (Okay, children shouldn’t be reading this) So
gather round grown up children, your Uncle Don is going to tell you a
heartwarming Christmas story that truly expresses the meaning of this glorious
time of year.
Many years ago, one morning,
just a week before Christmas, Uncle Don’s butthead boss called the whole
marketing department together for an important announcement. It seems the evil bean counters had completed
next year’s budget and determined that in January, one person would have to be
dismissed from the department.
You might wonder children,
why oh why, would the boss announce this right before Christmas. Why not just wait until January to deliver
the news to the unfortunate individual and let everyone enjoy the holidays in
peace? Well children, that’s why he was a butthead. He was a big ‘ol stupid butthead who often
just farted out random thoughts for no good reason. You will find that many managers you
encounter in your career are buttheads, with a big butt right where their brain
should be.
After the workers were dismayed
and scurried down the hall to discuss the situation. They could not believe the company would do
this because it was profitable and the department was overworked already. Everyone was in agreement this was a bad,
bad, thing.
And this was a strange
occurrence because it caused Uncle Don and Val the Bitch to agree on
something. Val the Bitch and Uncle Don
did not get along very well at all. Val
the Bitch hated Uncle Don and was threatened by his superior marketing skills
and vast intellect. Uncle Don hated Val
the Bitch because she was a stupid, disgusting, mega-bitch with a horrible
personality and no marketing skills whatsoever.
Her bitchy personality and
lack of physical attractiveness resulted in her having serious problems in her social
life. Several times a year she would arrive
at the office and announce loudly and enthusiastically, “Hey, I got lucky last
night!” What that really meant children is: “Hey, I’m not such a disgusting
bitch. I had a boyfriend last night for
10 minutes!
Yes children, this behavior
was typical of the disgusting, pathetic, existence of Val the Bitch. But don’t think
that Uncle Don wasn’t sympathetic on these occasions. He wondered just how desperate, lonely,
drunk, insane or stoned a guy would have to be to actually copulate with Val
the Bitch. He hoped these unfortunate
souls were not emotionally (or physically) scarred for life. And most of all, Uncle Don hoped that they
took a long, hot, shower using industrial grade soap as soon as they got home
because it is difficult to wash that type of bitchiness off.
But now Uncle Don and Val the
Bitch were suddenly on the same team, united in scorn of the butthead
boss. As the discussion wound down,
somebody realized that the butthead boss had chosen to make his announcement a
mere 90 minutes before he was taking the department out for our annual festive
Christmas lunch. What moronic timing! That puts the butt in butthead.
“Merry Christmas” said
someone sarcastically.
“Merry Frikin’ Christmas said
Val the Bitch.
“Merry Frikin’ Christmas
indeed”, exclaimed Uncle Don.
So the Christmas lunch was
very awkward that year. The Christmas
joy had been sucked out of the employees, but the butthead boss was having a
great time yucking it up, totally oblivious to the lack of enthusiasm of all the
others.
After the meal, the butthead
boast raised his glass in the air with great fervor and bellowed “Merry
Christmas!” Of course at that point everyone
else thought in their heads, “Merry Frikin’ Christmas”. Unfortunately your Uncle Don started to laugh
at this thought and lowered his head so he would not fizz off the boss with
this highly inappropriate outburst.
And it was at this moment
something magical happened. Val the Bitch, who happened to be sitting next to
Uncle Don, gave him a swift, hard, kick under the table. This immediately snapped Uncle Don to his
senses and he thrust his glass in the air and proclaimed: “Merry Christmas
indeed!” With this, the Christmas luncheon and Uncle Don’s job was saved. It
was a miracle children, it was a Christmas miracle!
And then in that restaurant, in
that moment of Christmas merriment, Uncle Don realized that Val the Bitch was
not really a bitch at all, but she was a valued co-worker, she was a real
person, with real feelings and real issues and that she was trying to do the
best with what she had. And this
children, is the miracle of Christmastime, when everyone puts away their
grievances and learns to love their fellow man.
Where there is peace on Earth and goodwill to all men, which does
include all the bitches and bastards in your life.
Merry Christmas Children and
Happy Holidays from your Uncle Don
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