Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Bigger Butts Lead To Better Blogs

I blogged about a wide variety of subjects in 2013, but by far the most popular post was “TheseButts Are Big And I Cannot Lie” which took a humorous look at black market butt enhancement surgery.  At first the readership of this post was about average, but then after about three weeks the post started getting over 200 hits each day.

Of course I thought this was because people had finally discovered my spectacular blogging ability and started sharing and reposting this superb literary work.  But then I realized the hits were the result of the post showing up very high on Google searches.  It had inadvertently achieved search engine optimization.

So now when people search for “big butts”, big a**, big black a** and other similar butt-related topics, they are directed to my blog post.  This is odd because the post is not sexually oriented.  Sure, there is a photo of a woman in a provocative pose, but she is fully clothed and it is more humorous than indecent.

But according to my blog statistics, many people are looking for big butts on the Internet.  And this demand for big butts is worldwide.  They love big butts in Germany.  And big butts are also surprisingly popular in Saudi Arabia, India and Morocco.  My butt blog also has even generated hits from Iran.

Of course I thought about the potential of “big-butt” blogging.  I considered starting a blog concentrating on nothing but large derrieres.  If big butts are that popular then someone needs to fill this void. I mean based on the German popularity: “It’s vat da people vawnt!”  But then I realized that exploiting this dalliance for big butts would be wrong.  It was at this point I made a vow to never, ever, write another blog post on the topic of big butts.  And I am determined to keep this vow no matter what.  You have my word on this.  And this includes not posting any other big butt photos in my blog, like the ones shown below, just for the purpose of generating a massive number of hits.

I thought this commotion about big butts was just about over when I received the following phone call:

Caller: May I speak to Mr. Ake’s Pains

Me: I guess that’s me

Caller:  Well this is Sir Mix-A-Lot.  Mr. Pains I hear your recent blog post has revived a world-wide interest in big butts and I was wondering if you would work with me to revive my career. Perhaps you have heard that I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Me: I may have heard that once or twice before, but I can’t help you. My blog was not about guys who like big butts, it was on guys who illegally create big butts. And I don’t really prefer women with big butts.

Mix-A-Lot:  Really Pains? You other brothers can't deny!

Me: But I have to deny

Mix-A-Lot: I think that is so wrong. I think you are practicing “big booty discrimination”

Me: For the record, I do not discriminate against women’s butts on the basis of size, age, race or national origin.  However, I do explicitly believe that the shape of the booty is more important than the size of the booty.

Mix-A-Lot: Come On Akes. Even white boys got to shout “baby got back!”  Admit it. You want a motor in the back of your Honda.

Me:  I still prefer shape over size.  And I’m afraid my Honda riding days are over, Sir.

Mix-A-Lot: But if you don’t help me, how am I going to jump start my career? I need your help.

Me: Okay, couldn’t I just pretend to like big butts?

Mix-A-Lot: Are you telling me you would say you like big butts and you could lie about it.

Me: Sure


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