Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Sunday, March 9, 2014

News Reporters In Short Skirts Can Be Distracting

I recently saw an advertisement for something called the “Vagina Monologues” to be “performed” at a local venue.  Apparently a woman, or maybe several women, has taught her hoo-hah how to speak.

I 'm going to assume that the woman is not “throwing” her voice like a ventriloquist.  This would just be a trick and not worth paying for.  Come to think of it, I have never seen a woman ventriloquist.  Maybe this skill requires an Adam’s apple.  Therefore if a woman ventriloquist invites you out for drinks after the show, I would respectfully decline.

I know it is difficult to believe a hoo-hah could speak but it actually could be true.  A hoo-hah does in fact have lips and if women think that men don’t listen to them (of course a feminine myth), then evolutionary forces could create a talking hoo-hah.

Evidently this phenomenon is in its early stages and the hoo-hahs have not yet learned to communicate to each other, thus the vagina is having a monologue, not a dialogue.  Once the vaginas learn to communicate directly with each other, you know they are going to discuss how men mistreat them.  This will be a terrible thing for us guys and at that point literal “pussy riots” may erupt.

I’m not sure what a hoo-hah would say in a monologue. “Hey, it’s really cold down here since you shaved me” or “I’m not really feeling very fresh today, how about a douche?” And even maybe: “Are you going to see Roger again? Because wow, ah, well you know!”

Learning to speak through your hoo-hah does have commercial applications however.  The trend in cable news is to hire beautiful, leggy, news-babes, dress them in micro-mini skirts, and then sit them on couches or chairs for maximum exposure.  I call it the “Hoo-Hah” news report.  If these ladies make one wrong move, the news turns into the “nature report” because then it’s all about the beaver. So if it’s really about showing maximum skin, why not just cut right to the chase and have a hoo-hah just deliver the goods.  I think once men got used to it, this would be much less distracting. 
Welcome to the "Hoo-Hah" News Report!

There are actually guys who watch these news babes, waiting for a slip of the, ah well, the parting of the ah, the appearance of the beaver.  They then capture a “screen shot” of the furry creature and proudly display their catch (or snatch if you prefer) on the Internet.  This is wrong.  These young men are not able to concentrate on what is being said and thus become woefully uninformed.  Do we really want that America?

You may think that having a hoo-hah read the news is an outrageous idea, but we are already moving in that direction. (Disclaimer: I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP)  There is a subscription only website called The Naked News where the newscasters wear no clothes.  But this site is not for nudists.  The women are very beautiful and very “healthy”. And surprisingly (based on the sample clips) very talented (I swear I am telling the truth). Talk about multi-tasking, sometimes they remove their clothes while reporting the news!  I speculate that these ladies are just putting their journalistic assets on display as a way bust out their career and make it to the Hoo-Hah news.

In the interest of keeping my blog audience fully informed, I signed up for a free trial-subscription of the Naked News to determine if someone could stay informed on current events  by viewing its content. I am happy to report that they can!

Here is what I learned from my trial report:

-         Apparently there is a country called “The U-Crane” and something is happening there
-         There is some type of website now that offers free healthcare
-         Jessica’s delivery of the news was fair, but she is slightly “unbalanced”
-         Melissa needs a new razor

Overall, I can say it was a very stimulating news report and looks to be the wave of the future.

1 comment:

  1. "to determine if someone could stay informed on current events by viewing its content" ... you should have made that, "by viewing its cuntent" ...