Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, March 24, 2014

Bossy Women and Clueless Men

I was delighted when a group of prominent women started a new campaign called “Ban Bossy”.  We all know how bossy women can be and if they want to ban this behavior, this is something all men can support. 

And it is wonderful that Beyonce is one of the women leading the campaign. Because for me, Beyonce can be as bossy as she wants.  If you were married to Beyonce, you would cut her lots of slack because she makes about a gazillion dollars and she has luscious thighs like, um, thighs like well, Beyonce.

Now it could be troubling that Beyonce might be too busy to make you a sammich, but don’t worry.  She has so much money that you could have your maid make you a sammich.  And not some fat, ugly, maid either.  No, you could get one of those leggy French
We will waive the "sammich"
requirement for obvious reasons
maids with a cute accent.  And when Beyonce is on tour, the maid may even be able to fulfill other domestic type functions as well.  But I digress.

Now I believe if women are willing to address this female issue, that we men should respond with an improvement campaign of our own.  Therefore I am proposing the “Cut Out Cluelessness” campaign for us guys.  I believe cluelessness harms our relationships and if we are able to get more clues, we will understand the feelings of our partners better and of course most importantly, get more sex.

Now I know many guys right now are saying: “But Don, I’m not clueless!”  And thus you demonstrate the dire extent of the problem.  If you think you’re not clueless, it means you don’t even have a clue about how utter clueless you are.  I know you might be very confused right now, but please keep reading because remember, the ultimate goal is to get more sex.

So here is my 3-step plan to Cut Out Cluelessness.  Now ladies, I know that it will take much more than three steps to accomplish this, but there is only so much wisdom that the male brain can process at one time.

Step One: Consider the possibility that you could be “wrong”

I know this is a strange concept and the possibility is very small, however there is still some slight chance that you are not totally correct.  And if you are in fact “in error”, consider that this misjudgment may have caused unforeseen consequences that could have upset your partner.  I know you did not intend for these stupid consequences to occur, so it is not really your fault.

You do not have to admit you are wrong, however the possibility exists that could be, so do not adamantly claim that you are right.  By claiming you are right, you are now clearly doing something wrong and thus you will be penalized even if you were originally right.  The best thing to do is to shake your head and look bewildered at this mess that just somehow occurred.

Step Two: Consider the possibility that her explanation (or argument) is indeed rational

This again will be very difficult.  While a man’s logic is very simplistic, running directly from point A to Point B, a woman’s thought pattern flutters gently like a butterfly, weaving an artistic dance in many directions until it hits you like a missile right between the eyes.  Don’t try to understand the logic, or you will go stark raving mad. Instead realize that no matter bizarre the logic, it is rational to her.

I know this will take great effort, but actually try to listen to what she is saying, actually try to understand where she might be coming from.  And do not dismiss it as being influenced by her monthly cycle.  This is the effort it will take to get you from clueless, to just dense.

Step Three: Never ask the question “Was it wrong to do that?”

Just the fact that you want to ask this question indicates that the answer is obviously “Yes”.  But by actually saying it out loud you reveal your utter cluelessness.  And in response, your mate will not only tell you that this was wrong, but she will rehash a long list of stupid actions from years gone by.  By the end of this rant, she will not just be upset about your most recent faux pas, but the entire historical record.  It will send her into Bitchilla mode.  Better to not ask the question, but drop and shake your head and say “I guess I should not have done that.” 

Wait a minute! I just found out that the “Ban Bossy” campaign is not about stopping women from being bossy, but it is about banning the word “bossy” when a woman is actually acting bossy.  I don’t want any of these bossy, bossy, bossy, women to get upset about me calling them bossy so, um, never mind.


  1. I think I'm starting to get a clue! :-)

  2. Your posts have had me laughing so hard as I've read and skimmed through random entries that my poor abdominal muscles actually started cramping! I think the last time I experienced that was during a Bill Hicks marathon a few years ago. I love your writing style! Not only are your posts well thought out and written, wonderfully irreverent, and refreshingly honest, too - all the while maintaining the awesomely wicked sense of humor (and timing!) that I've come to think of as your trademark. Seriously, have you ever considered writing a book or doing stand-up comedy? Or syndication? You're really that good!