Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, April 7, 2014

You Should Not Mix Sex With Golf

A Playboy model and a radio show host are involved in a lawsuit over a “golfing” related incident from 2012.   Liz Dickson agreed to lie on her stomach with her buttocks exposed while Kevin Klein hit a golf ball atop a tee placed between her butt cheeks. (I am not making this up).

This gives a whole new meaning to the term “tee box” and it has to be the best method of “improving your lie” ever.  However there are several problems with this.

Now I know women will not understand why a man would even think of doing this.  But if a guy comes up with an idea that results in a beautiful woman lying at his feet with her tush exposed, that is sheer genius.  In addition, this stunt combines sex and sports interacting together.  Any golfing activity involving Playboy models is close to nirvana for many men.

But there lies the problem.  Golf requires total concentration.  It necessitates that you focus intently on the target.  Unfortunately when faced with a golf ball teed between the buttocks of a Playboy model, there is confusion about what the true target really is.  The male brain has difficultly handling this type of conflict.  The male brain consists of the Upper Processing Unit (UPU) which handles all functions except one and is very logical and rational.  However there is also the Lower Processing Unit (LPU) which is totally focused on matters of the “sensual” variety.  Unfortunately, the LPU has the ability to totally shut down the UPU when it deems it necessary.  This particular golf shot creates severe conflict between the UPU and the LPU. Author Stephen James Outram is correct: There's No Sex In Golf!

In addition, this is considered a “trick shot” and presents some golfing challenges.  First of all, the ball is setting much higher than if it were teed on the ground.  To compensate for this the swinger should choke up on the club.  However, “choking up” is not considered manly and would lessen the machismo factor of hitting a ball on the bare buns of a hot woman.  Secondly, you could use less club.  But when trying to impress a Playmate, you want more club, not less club.  Playboy models like bigger clubs so you are going to whip out the biggest club you got.  Under the circumstances I believe a wedge (or maybe a wedgie) would have been best, but Klein used his large-headed pingger.

Dickson: An impressive "front nine"
but a spectacular "back nine"
The other problem is that even with the ball teed up; he was not hitting off a “flat” surface.  As research for this post, I had to carefully examine several photos of Miss Dickson.  While she is a very beautiful woman, if she was a golf course she would be known for her impressive “back nine”.   And just as sharp curves on a golf course can make shots difficult.  Dickson’s curves made this shot a real challenge.

So it should be no surprise with all these challenging factors in play that when Klein took a strong, manly, swing, he did not hit a good shot.  Under normal circumstances you would have said he “grounded” his club, but in this case that meant he struck Dickson square in the ass.  This resulted in Dickson suffering “severe injuries” some of which are “permanent”.  As a result, Dickson is suing Klein for $500,000.

Of course I am siding with Miss Dickson.  You could say she deserves what happened because she was stupid enough to participate in these shenanigans. But I contend Playboy models are expected to display their wares, be entertaining, and to accommodate men’s fantasies, and that is exactly what she was trying to do. 

And I believe $500,000 is a fair price because you damaged literally a “masterpiece”, well at least a master piece of … well, you get the idea.  This was a work of art and I have heard art critics in this realm say that “Good, ah, art of this nature, is hard to find”.

I hope that Miss Dickson prevails and recovers from her injuries.  I don’t know much about therapeutic massage, but if Miss Dickson needs someone to tend to her physical therapy needs and get her back in the swing of things, I would be willing to lend a hand (or two) for absolutely no charge.  Because that’s just the type of guy I am.

No comments:

Post a Comment