Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Do Not Blame Squirrels For Power Outages

Recently I saw a disturbing headline: Squirrel blamed for $300K damage to Indiana building.  This follows a story last year which claimed that squirrels were responsible for more than 50 power disruptions last summer.

I think you a very alarming trend that needs to be addressed. Squirrels are being unfairly blamed for things they had absolutely nothing to do with. This “blame the squirrel” mentality needs to stop now.
I'm innocent, I tell ya, I'm innocent!

Squirrels are extremely focused creatures. They only really care about two things, food and sex.  When you see squirrels scurrying around your yard, they are busy hunting for food.  When you don’t see them in the yard, well then, uh “hubba, hubba”.  Of course they then emerge from the squirrel tryst very hungry, so then it is time to hunt for food again.

Now I realize some feminists will say that makes squirrels equivalent to the average American male, but you are so wrong.  There is a huge difference in that squirrels do not care about sports and cars, so you can just stick it feminists.

This laser focus on food and sex has enabled squirrels to survive for eons regardless of how their environment has been changed by urban development.  It also helps that even though squirrels are rodents, they are cute rodents and don’t spread disease.  It’s amazing what an attractive tail will do for you.  Just ask Kim Kardashian.

The major problem with squirrels and electrical systems is that a squirrel will go any place where there might be food.  Similar to your cousin Kenny who shows up at family gatherings he was not invited to.  Engineers design electrical systems to be isolated to keep humans from danger.  However, the squirrel thinks this structure has been designed as a way to hide the food.  I mean that’s what a squirrel would do.  And it is also very private, a very good place for hot squirrel sex.

So instead of blaming the squirrel, should we not hold the engineers responsible for designing systems that can be compromised so easily by a single rodent?  I think it’s time for some real accountability.  Should not the headlines read?

Incompetent Engineer’s Mistake Revealed By Intelligent Squirrel

Power Outage the Result of Engineer Being Dumber Than Squirrel

Engineering Blunder Results in No Power and Dead, Heroic, Squirrel

Dumber than the average squirrel
These engineers are so lucky that there are no squirrel attorneys because this is a case of extreme defamation of character.  Unfortunately because squirrels are so focused on food and sex, they never developed an interest in the law.  If they had, they would sue your bleeping nuts off!

In the Indiana case, a squirrel got into the electrical system of a new community center resulting in a power surge that damaged the heating and cooling systems.  The squirrel, as always, did not survive.

Isn’t this a blatant case of blaming the victim?  Once again, the engineer gets no reprimand.  He is able to shift the blame to the poor squirrel without any consequences whatsoever.  It’s great to be able to blame stuff on the dead; you don’t get much in the way of rebuttal, do you?

Well, you were wrong this time! This squirrel has an advocate.  You are one lousy, stinking, sorry excuse for an engineer.  You should be ashamed of how totally stupid you are and your college should revoke your degree.  Next time maybe use a little chicken wire you stupid dips**t. 


  1. Interesting thoughts :) This sparked a debate with my co-worker who insists there are engineering contest to try and keep squirrels out of birds nest, and it can not be done. I am still waiting on proof of this....; )

  2. There's even a whole book series about this:

  3. Spot on. The tribe of squirrel supporters is growing.