Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Absolutely Nothing Important Happened Last Weekend

I was planning to be informed of news and happenings during my recent three-day mini-vacation by way of my I-Pad.  I was pleased to learn that our older, beach hotel did have free Wi-Fi so I logged on and, and, and, and …

This was not high-speed internet; it was low-speed internet. I’m not sure that the word “speed” should even be associated with this internet.  It was internet that you would expect in a third-world country where the router is powered by oxen walking in circles.

I suddenly turned into Beavis, shouting “Load! Load! Looooooooooad!, #!*@f#!, Load!” as if the Internet had suddenly added a voice activation feature.  Finally after several minutes, a page appeared.

This was going to be a disaster. I was going to be wasting so much valuable vacation time waiting for pages to load.  This was going to cause me extreme frustration for the entire vacation.  I considered moving to a different hotel, but then I discovered a different solution.  I logged out, shut down the I-Pad and never touched it for the remainder of the vacation.  I also decided that while I was at it, I would not read a newspaper.

Now this is a big deal for me. I subscribe to two daily newspapers. I speed surf the Internet to absorb as much daily information as I can.  I keep very well informed on a myriad of subjects.  “Cutting the cord” also meant no Facebook, no LinkedIn, no e-mail and no contact with my blog.
Must have Internet!  Need Internet!

This decision caused a great deal of psychological stress. This would be difficult, but I reasoned that I could survive without the Internet for three days.  The only real important things that could happen that would affect me were a hurricane, a nuclear explosion, and an outbreak of the plague. I surmised that none of these were very likely and not within my control if they did occur.   I value vacation time as almost sacred and it will not be ruined by anything, so I “unplugged”.

And I am happy to report that I did not miss much over those three days.  Here is a summary of what I missed during this time:


-         My former co-worker Joe was on a business trip to the Philippines where he was mugged and lost all his money and identification.  The government is threatening to throw him in jail if I don’t wire him $10,000 immediately.  Unexplainably, Joe has memorized my e-mail and chose me as the one to ask for help.

Joe, I don’t know how to break this to you, but I never liked working with you. I always considered you a big, stupid, sunavabitch.  You probably got beat up, not mugged, because some Filipinos discovered that you are just a stupid sunavabitch. Their government probably threw you in jail because you are such a sunavabitch.  And you thought I was going to help you? You stupid, stupid, sunavabitch!

-         A beautiful, young, Russian woman thinks that I am a handsome, rich, stud and wants to marry me.  I do admire that she is willing to make a long term commitment, unlike those wanton Russian hussies who previously just wanted to make me “cune”.  But considering the current bitter conflict between our countries, I’m going to have to pass.  Lips that sucked the life out of Crimea shall never suck mine!

-         Boner pills went on sale


-         My friend Darla’s “female” infection (v.i. for short) is back.  Why I need to know this is a mystery.  Why I needed to know this the first time is also a mystery.  I am fairly certain I had nothing to do with this, but I am buying some ointment just in case.

-         My friend Ron posted something stupid and then all his stupid friends made stupid comments about it forming one of the most stupid comment threads in the history of Facebook. It was in a word, stupid. Thanks for nothing Ron.

Important News:

-         J-Lo was spotted on the beach in a revealing bikini. A telescopic photo revealed that her nipples were not as perky as usual, leading to speculation that her marriage was on the rocks.

-         Kim Kardashian wore a tight, daring, new outfit that either made her ass look enormously wide or deliciously sexy depending on the news source.

-         Some stupid (politician or celebrity) tweeted something that was (racist, sexist, stupid, and offensive to anyone and everyone) and had to take it down because millions of people have nothing better to do than to be offended by it.

-         The Cleveland Browns drafted a quarterback that is sure to lead them to a Super Bowl victory.

     Unbelievably, the world got along just fine without me worrying about all the problems happening everywhere.  Unfortunately this makes me feel insignificant and unimportant, but maybe that is the secret to truly having a relaxing vacation.

Fortunately I was able to enjoy my vacation free of any distractions.  Of course trying to read books on my Kindle lying on a beach filled with young women in thong bikinis can present a challenge. Oh well, I guess not all distractions are bad.

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