Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, February 23, 2015

Science Says: Make Me A Sammich

Every day, all across this great land, men make a familiar demand:

“Hey woman, make me a sammich!”

And most often their woman replies:

“Get off your a$$ and make your own damn sandwich!”

This dialogue keeps repeating itself in an endless, futile, loop in which neither the man or the woman achieves any degree of satisfaction, so there must be more going on here than appears.  If guys were more polite, they might actually get the sammich and even when they fail, they would irritate the woman less, which would increase their chances of getting some sex later that day.

But no, the men keep demanding and women keep refusing. I believe this has to do with men desperately trying to assert their authority in one of the last bastions available to them.  In days of yore, men held dominant authority over women.  Men were free to do whatever they wanted.  They were free to make stupid decisions without interference or guidance.  But now women have become educated, informed and empowered which has limited the amount of stupid mistakes, and of course fun, that men can have. (I wanted to use the word “uppity” instead of "empowered" but my friend Lori said I couldn’t)

At one time if a woman disobeyed her husband, he would put her across his knee and give her a good spanking.  Those days are long gone, unless of course she is a fan of Fifty Shades of Grey. But then you have to be prepared to aaaah haaaa, and oh boy, and then, oooh weee! But I digress.

Now you may think men are more engaged in this sammich-making issue than women, but you would be mistaken.  This subject is very important to women as these examples illustrate:

Many years ago I was eating my lunch in the company break room when a female acquaintance asked a seemingly harmless question: “Did your wife make that sandwich?” To which I answered: “Yes”

Then this chickee babe went on a feminista rant (in front of my friends) about what a pig I was, forcing my wife to make me sandwiches! I didn’t argue with her because she was so off base.  At that time my wife had left the workforce to raise our daughters.  She made the sandwiches as a way to support me as the sole moneymaker. I never asked her to make me sandwiches; she did it because she wanted to.

A few years later another female associate, in the same lunchroom, asked me the same exact question.  I was taken back again by the inquiry, but I was relieved to now be able to give the correct answer. “No”, I said confidently.

But then Holly Homemaker went off on my spouse, criticizing her for being a dreadful wife and not taking care of my needs. Of course Holly was just as off base as the feminista. 

Now my children were older and my wife had returned to full-time work.  She was extremely busy with everything, so making my sandwiches was my responsibility.  I felt absolutely no resentment about this.

I don’t understand why these women were so interested in my sandwiches. I felt their questions were intrusive because what happens between the sheets, in this case the sheets of bread, should be private and not the topic of a public, especially workplace, discussion.

So you see that this sandwich making stuff is way more important than you realized. This conflict could have raged on unabated, but last year something wonderful, almost miraculous, happened.  Scientists conducted a scientific study, using science principles to determine the impact of hunger on married couples.  The results of the three-year, extremely scientific project, was reported by the National Academy of, get this, Sciences.  The study was even conducted at the Ohio State University, where apparently when they aren’t preparing to win football games, actually do scientific stuff like this.

Now I consider most studies of this type stupid, wasteful, inane, worthless, and hogwash, especially those done at Ohio State, because it diverts resources from important projects, like winning more football games.  But the results of this study are so accurate, so important, and so impactful, that I must rate it as the greatest scientific study ever conducted.

The study found that when people are hungry, they are more likely to get angry with their spouses.  This combination of hungry and angry, which they labeled “hangry”, causes couples to argue and have intense confrontations.

Of course there is a very simple way to cure a man who is hangry and restore marital bliss: WOMEN, MAKE HIM A SAMMICH!  Yes, now there is scientific evidence that when men demand a sammich, it is best for everyone if women comply.  It has now been scientifically proven by science, so you can’t argue
The key to marital bliss?
against it.

Think of it this way ladies, when your man requests a sandwich, he is not really just asking for something to eat.  No, he realizes he is hangry and needs nourishment in order to create a loving, caring, wonderful, soul-mateful, relationship with you.  One in which, he loves and adores you, he asks about your needs and concerns, he truly listens to your every word and knows and respects your feelings.  That’s what he really wants.  And you can have all of that, just by making a simple sandwich.

And it stands to reason that after the man has eaten the sandwich, he will engage in deep, intimate, meaningful, interaction with the woman which will lead to something fantastic.  The man has intense feelings for the woman because she has relieved his hanger; the woman has strong vibes for the man because he is now showing her love.  Their eyes meet, their hearts melt, their souls merge, which leads to: hubba hubba, homina, homina, boing, boing, boing, sis boom bah, ahhhhhhhh!  

I would label this “hot sandwich sex” except the term “sandwich sex” is already in use for describing several different activities, which I will not define here.  Let just say the request, “Women make me a sandwich”, is totally different than what we are talking about.

No, let’s just call it Post-Hangry Unification Coupling. Yes, that’s a great name for it.

So women remember this:  Next time your husband requests a sandwich, even if he does it in an impolite manner (he’s hangry for Pete’s sake), science says you should make him the sandwich.

That’s right, just make him the damn sammich woman, make him the damn sammich!

To read the article on the study : Click here

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