Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Wiping Away This Super Bowl Memory

Well, the big game is over and it produced the crappiest play in Super Bowl history. And I’m not talking about passing the ball from the 1-yard line either. No, the play in question is Seahawk receiver Doug Baldwin pretending to take a dump in the end zone after catching a touchdown pass in the third quarter.  This is so wrong on several accounts.

Baldwin had just reached the pinnacle moment of his career.  He is standing in the end zone and has just achieved football glory.  He does not get 15 minutes of fame, only 30 seconds.  But it is highly concentrated fame, with 160 million viewers worldwide watching his every move.  And it is at this moment that Baldwin decides he will celebrate his stellar accomplishment, by placing the football on the ground, pretending to pull down his pants, and then squatting over the ball and mimic pooping on it. So his highly anticipated next move was pretending to move his bowels. 
Baldwin showing off his "moves"

Poop!, yes, his statement was poop.  His message was poop.  Now you didn’t see this monstrosity, because NBC quickly cut to another camera when he did the pants thing.  Wouldn’t you love to hear the production audio on that one? -

Cut! He’s pooping! He’s pooping! Go to Camera 4 now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s hard to understand the mentally of why you would want to take a fake crap while the world is watching.  His explanation was the equivalent of what a 4-year old might say after taking a real dump on the floor. Fake pooping is not acceptable anywhere out of the grade school playground and even then you make sure no girls are present.

The NFL was not pleased.  It is rumored that NFL Commissioner took a real sh!+ in his pants after Baldwin’s antics.  Baldwin was subsequently fined $11,025 for the incident.  Reportedly, the extra $25 was for industrial butt wipes to clean the spot he left on the end zone.  Perhaps Baldwin got confused by the term “end zone”.

As disgusting as this was, there is a much bigger issue at play.  The Super Bowl is not anything about poop.  No, it is totally non-poop.  It is the anti-poop. I am guessing there is less poop produced while the Super Bowl is played than at any daytime period during the year.

Nobody wants to poop during the Super Bowl.  You could miss the big play and there is no way to inconspicuously slip away and do your business during this game.  And for sure you don’t want to poop when you are attending a Super Bowl party, for fear of stinking up the host’s bathroom:

I forget who won the 2011 contest, but wasn’t that the year we had to watch the rest of the game in the garage and burn candles because Joe took that nasty dump at halftime?

Not having to poop during the game is part of a fan’s pregame preparation.  You make sure you get plenty of fiber and drink plenty of water, so your game-day poop takes place in the morning and you are thoroughly cleansed by kick-off.  Unfortunately, with 160 million people involved, there are probably millions of people who need to poop during the Super Bowl but hold it in until the game is over.

So the Super Bowl is the ultimate no-poop event. That is why there are no laxative commercials, no adult diaper commercials, no fiber commercials and no toilet paper commercials during the game.  And especially no commercials for prescription drugs like this one:

Side effects include: explosive diarrhea, green poopies, humongous stools and sh!++ing brick-like objects.

So the danger of doing a poop dance during the Super Bowl is immense.  It would be the visual equivalent of a brown note (a hypothetical infrasonic frequency that would cause humans to lose control of their bowels due to resonance. - Wikipedia).  If Baldwin’s poop dance would have been shown, millions of viewers who were trying to hold it in until the end of the game would have simultaneously filled their pants.  I’m sure some people, who did see the “poop dance” live at the stadium were injured racing to the rest room to secure a stall.

That’s why there is no place for any mention, any reference, and especially any displays of pooping at the Super Bowl.  It needs to remain a totally poop-free zone.  Unfortunately, thousands of Seattle Seahawk fans still ended up sh!++ing themselves at the end of the game, but that is the price of making a call that bad. Everyone was concerned about the Patriots deflating the footballs but no one expected the Seahawks fans to over- inflate their underpants at the end.

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