Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

I Now Have the iPhone, the iPhone6

I have a major announcement to make: I now have the iPhone, the iPhone6.

I know this comes as a shock to everyone, especially to those of you owning the iPhones 1,2,3, 4, or 5, since I just moved ahead of you on the high technology ladder, because I have the iPhone, the iPhone6.

Likewise, you cavemen who are operating at 1, 2 or 3 G’s, the iPhone, the IPhone6, operates at a superior 4 G’s.  Four G’s people, four full G’s!  I was initially concerned when I first heard about the 4 G’s because I thought that was the price of the phone.  No, the phone doesn’t cost nearly 4G’s, but then again after adding on all the accessories, the price came a lot closer to 4G’s than you might think.

The iPhone, the iPhone6
I realize that back in October 2011 I wrote a post that implied that smartphones were a big sham and only used by techno-snobs who just wanted to flaunt their phone superiority in everyone’s faces.  But I am happy to report that is absolutely no longer the case, since I made the brilliant decision to get the iPhone, the iPhone6.

To make this monumental transformation I made my first visit to a “phone” store.  I told the guy at the door I was here to buy the iPhone, the iPhone6 and he paired me up with Solutions Specialist Jessica.  Because I sometimes have issues learning new technologies, I needed a really good specialist.
Jessica was sporting several interesting tattoos.  Typically this would have made me nervous, but I realized I was purchasing something very fresh and high-tech, so tattoos actually gave her more credibility.  Also, because I prefer women without tattoos, this would also enable me to focus on what Jessica was saying and not focus on Jessica. Finally, she had NDB, Non-Distracting Breasts (a new term).  It wasn’t tit-for-tat, it was just tats and in this case that was a very good thing.

There was an awkward moment when Jessica asked to see my current phone. I sheepishly pointed to my dinky, dumb, Samsung.  She smiled mockingly, the kind of smile a woman gives a new lover after he reveals his gear and she finds it wanting. (Not that this has ever, ever, happened to me) But I will never be embarrassed by the appearance of my phone again, because I am now packing the iPhone, the iPhone6 in a very stylish, expensive, case. 

Jessica knew she had a challenge, but we got through it and I was now equipped to conquer the world with my iPhone, the iPhone6.  She even copied “my photos over to the new phone, all 11 of them” giving me that same smirk again.  When I became alarmed that she may have looked at my photos without my permission, I actually made her blush! Score one for the middle-aged guy.  But it was just a bluff; it’s not as if she would have found any naked photos of me and Jennifer Lawrence together, right?

I know you are wondering why I, with my technological deficiencies, would get the iPhone, the IPhone6.  Well, there were several times during the past year when I was in predicaments that could have been solved by having a smart phone.  Unfortunately my friend Scott was always quick to point this out.  He would say, “You know that would not have been a problem if you had a smart phone?”  To which I would look down at the ground and mumble “Yeah, I know”.  Sometimes that Scott can be a real jerk, so now he can just shut his pie-hole, because I have the iPhone, the iPhone6.

Another reason is that recently I was at a concert seated behind a grandmother who was using a smart phone!  I don’t mind getting passed by on the technological super highway, I do mind when the person passing me is using a walker.  So stick it granny! I’m back in the lead! Because I have the iPhone, the iPhone6.  

And I have become more popular because of my new phone.  I had breakfast with my friend Tori and she couldn’t take her eyes off my phone.  Finally she asked if she could touch it.  When we left she asked me to text her. “About what?” I inquired. “Doesn’t matter, I just want you to text me with that thing!” she exclaimed.  The waitress that morning at Cracker Barrel was duly impressed with my iPhone, the iPhone6.  She got so stimulated I thought she was going to pop a hairpin.

Carly reacts to the news about my iPhone!
This phone has made me so fly that if I said “But here’s my number so call me” to Carly Rae Jepsen, she would call me, not maybe, but definitely. Definitely, because that number is connected to the iPhone, the iPhone 6.  And if she calls from her native Canada, that is still fine, because the iPhone6 is designed to accommodate international calls!  Try doing that with your Android.

There was one person who was not pleased with my new smart phone.  It actually caused great fear in Kevin, the IT guy where I work.  Kevin has seen how I interact with sophisticated technology.  He has seen me corrupt, incorruptible files, he has watched me crash, uncrashable servers, he has observed me fool, foolproof programs and he has witnessed me burn down firewalls into ashes.

When Kevin found out I was in possession of an iPhone, he cancelled his own iPhone 5 and bought an Android.  Even then he turned off his phone for two days just in case.  So far I have not crashed any networks.  Apple stock did go down 5% the day I activated my phone, but I’m sure that is a mere coincidence.

I can now do many wonderful  things on my smart phone, -- oh wait, hold on a minute, I have a call, a call on my iPhone, my IPhone6 , I need to take this, it might me Carly Rae, I’ll be right back ….. (To be continued)


  1. Perhaps you can download an app to your new iPhone 6 that would provide navigational instructions to the tastiest free appetizers. Or you could create one and call it the App app!

  2. Stacy, I love it! I might use this in Part 2!