Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Sunday, May 3, 2015

The Many Benefits of the iPhone6 (iPhone Part 2)

My new iPhone, the iPhone6 (last time for this designation, even I am tired of it), has tons of features which I will now highlight for those of you who don’t own one, which come to think of it, is probably just about all of you.  My phone has changed my life because I now have access to so many things I need. It has made me so much more efficient and productive.

Before we start I just want to check the outside temperature which I can do by just hitting this weather button on the phone.  By the way it’s 75 degrees and sunny, and as I look out the window I see that the iPhone6 is correct!

Get this, on the iPhone6 I don’t even have to type a text message, I just speak the words and they magically appear on the screen.  You do have to be careful with this feature however. For example, I meant to text my pastor the message “I am having issues with the afterlife”.  You would think there would be some safety feature that prevented you from sending out a message that makes sense, but is wrong.  Next time I will be sure to actually read the message before hitting send, because I did not mean to text “I am having an affair with your wife”. 

Unfortunately, I was the only one who found this humorous.  But it’s alright, everything turned out okay. The people at the new church seem real friendly and I am glad to be away from the old church because of all the turmoil there since the big divorce announcement.

Hold on, my neighbor hot Carla just posted some bikini photos from her beach vacation.  Wow! I just love that shade on her and the pattern is really cute.  I will definitely “Like” that pic.

Darn, now I’ve got writer’s block. Oooh, I need a selfie of that!
What should I write next?

With the iPhone6 I can tweet about anything from anywhere.  I know I don’t tweet nearly enough and that people really want to read my tweets.  My first iPhone tweet was from a college basketball game.  I was sending out an important message about how the referees were making stupid calls and not being fair to my team, to my 86 Twitter followers.  I had just about used up my 140 characters when I was rudely interrupted by the roar of the crowd.  Apparently one of our players did a 360-degree slam dunk; people are saying it is the most incredible shot in school history.  It’s a good thing I had my iPhone6 with me so I could watch the reply on ESPN at halftime!

Wait a minute, the stock market is down 100 points!  Better buy some more GoDaddy stock.  My goal is to buy enough shares that Danica Patrick agrees to go to lunch with me.

The iPhone6 has this great alarm feature where you can set the time and the phone will ring to remind you of stuff.  I use it during the day for important events and love watching the clock on the wall wind down  until the alarm finally sounds.  Of course you have to remember to set it for p.m. or the thing can go off at 3 a.m.  When this happened my wife seemed upset, so I just yelled “Booty Call!” I didn’t get any laughs with that comment – didn’t get anything else either.

Oh man, my daughter just sent me this funny cat video.  Someone had spilled some oil on a wood floor and this cat is trying to walk across it! LOL, that is one slick pussy.

With the iPhone6 I can make dinner reservations at exquisite restaurants right from my phone.  I never eat at these types of restaurants, but if I ever do, I will be prepared.

Just let me check the compass function on my iPhone6, for your information I am sitting facing the northeast.

The iPhone6 has a camera that takes terrific photos and it has a zoom.  With it I was able to take this picture of a squirrel that ate so much food at the squirrel feeder that he couldn’t move.  I posted this photo on Facebook and got 43 “Likes”. Wow 43 “Likes”, my friend Graham doesn’t get anywhere near that many “Likes” with the lame photos he posts.
This photo got 43 "Likes"!

Whoa Nelly! Hot Carla just posted another pic! There is no “homina, homina, homina” button, so I’ll just “Like” this one too.

With the iPhone I can actually send real emails right from my phone, I don’t even have to be at my computer.  So now when I’m sneaking off to play tennis and get an important email from my boss asking a question, I can tell him “I don’t know the answer” right from the court and he thinks I’m in the office. How swell is that!

Now I see that the stock market is up 30 points, it’s now 74 degrees, I am sitting a little more towards the north and my squirrel pick has two more
“Likes”. I just thought of something funny to write, I need a selfie of that!

The iPhone6 has these neat things called “apps” which are short for apples, the company that makes the iPhones.  You just pick the apples you want and the phone does the rest.  A lot these apps are free and you know how much I love free apps, so I downloaded around 5,000 of them.  I can now tell you what city the band One Direction will be performing in next.  This could be valuable information to have. For example:

Hot Chick: (Wondering out loud) “I wonder where One Direction will be playing tonight.”

Me: “Let me check for you on my  iPhone6 using the One Direction app.  That would be Cardiff in the United Kingdom”.

Hot Chick: “Thanks iPhone stud!”

Rats, I’m out of time.  This post took longer to write for some reason.  But the most critical thing you need to know about the iPhone, the iPhone6 (okay I lied) is – OMG! Hot Carla is now on the nude beach! I’ll get back to you later……

You can follow me on Twitter @theakeman - I promise to tweet more if I get up to 100 followers.

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