Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, February 22, 2016

You Will Not Force Me To Retire (The Aging Chronicles – Part 2)

I am being aggressively recruited by a vile, evil, cult.  They are relentless in their efforts to brainwash me.  They send messages to my television, they tempt me with radio advertisements, they run full page ads in my newspaper.  They desire me so much, they even send me personal mailings which are so presumptuous that they include a membership card with my name and number already on it.

They seem to target old people, probably because they know that declining mental abilities make geezers more susceptible to their lies and tricks and more likely to join their abominable cult.  But me? I am not old, I’m really not, so I have no idea why this organization is even interested in me.

What is this repulsive group?  They go by the stealth, coded, name, AARP.  However, through extensive research, including use of the “dark web” I have been able to determine that their real name is the American Association of Retired People.

These bastards want me, but I am not interested in joining them at all.  I am not retired, nor do I plan to do so soon. Why do they want me and why do they want me to retire now?  These disgusting bastards want me to quit my job, come over to the dark side, and join with them into some type of “association of retired people”. 

These so-called “retired people” walk around aimlessly, like zombies, all day with huge smiles on their faces because they don’t have stressful jobs, they don’t have @$$h^!# bosses to deal with and they can do whatever the hell they want.  Sometimes I see these poor souls at the mall and it is so pathetic.

To this I say, “No! Hell no!  AARP just leave me the *%$&⃰⃰⃰⃰⃰⃰ alone!”

Yes, I know they say you don’t have to be retired to join the group, but of course that is just part of their evil, deceitful, plan.  Once you join, I know they will surround you with so called “happy retirees” who will introduce you to new activities such as bingo and shuffleboard.  In addition, the mailing I received promises me AARP (read SENIOR) discounts on groceries, dining, travel and shopping! (and you know what I think of senior discounts from my previous post) They also promise big discounts on healthcare insurance and prescription drugs.

So of course once they get you hooked on bingo and valium, you will naturally want to quit your job and join them.  And in addition, you won’t need a salary because you are now getting so many freaking discounts!  These bastards are intent on having me quit my job and becoming dependent on them.  I have no idea why they are so committed in forcing me to do this.  I suspect it may have something to do with Bernie Sanders.

There is no way I am old enough to join AARP! There is no way that I have grown old enough to retire.  No way, no way I tell you!

Okay, I must admit there are people I graduated with from high school who have recently, gulp, retired.  But that is irrelevant to this discussion.  These “retirees” will say they were able to quit their jobs because of generous government pensions or that they managed to save lots of money and invested it well.

This of course is hogwash.  The truth is they quit their jobs because they are lazy, slothful, bums.  Just lazy, lazy, people who don’t have a good work ethic.  I also suspect they are Bernie Sanders supporters.

You may think I’m overreacting but I assure you that I’m not.  I’ve heard alarming reports of “retired people” just sitting for hours holding on to a pole, with a line and hook attached to it, waiting for some unsuspecting fish to literally take the bait.  Others sit in the park and actually feed pigeons.  Please be aware these are just random birds, that these people have no connection with whatsoever.  After the pigeons are full and bloated, they fly away and crap on the cars of people who are hard at work, like these slackers should be.  In addition, sometimes these retired people have been known to buy and consume ice cream in the middle of the afternoon for no apparent reason!  How sick is that?

Because of all this lollygagging, these retired people are not attending long, super-productive, business meetings.  They are not developing complicated, multi-linked, macro-powered, spreadsheets, critical for our economic survival.  And these malcontents are not checking their messages every 15 minutes, they may not even respond to emails for days. For days! I ask you, do we really want this?

The latest AARP ploy is to try to tempt me with a free Weekend Duffle Bag.
Sorry, what I do on the weekend is my business!
  These guys never quit with their intrusiveness.  What I do on my weekend is also my own damn business and if I need a duffle bag to do it, I will use my own, which I paid for with the salary from my job!

The AARP is most definitely an evil cult that wants everyone to retire and join them.  And this is so hypocritical, since many, many, people actually are employed at the AARP – yeah, think about that!

Their latest propaganda letter says they want to welcome me and my family to AARP.  I say “Hell no” and you can shove your membership card and your weekend duffle bag right up your @$$.  I will retire when I’m ready to retire, you stupid bastards.

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