Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, March 7, 2016

This Retirement Community Is Rotten (The Aging Chronicles – Part 3)

When you start having to check the “55-64” box when asked for your age, you know your life is changing. That box may as well be labeled “irrelevant”. You are no longer hot and attractive to advertisers, but you are not yet a “senior citizen” and gullible enough to be taken advantage of by charlatans.  Still, you do begin to get mailings for “age-appropriate” products.

However, some of these are just totally stupid.  I just received one for a place called “Sunset Valley”, which I assume is a retirement community. Not that I’m old enough to retire, of course, but I do like to watch sunsets.  So even though the sunsets may be difficult to see from the valley, I decided to check out the brochure.  Just for fun, of course.

They claim it is a beautiful, park-like, setting which provides quiet, peaceful, surroundings for when family and friends come to visit.  That’s nice, but what about me, what about my needs?  Butterflies and trees are fine, but I don’t plan on being still and quiet all the time.  Am I supposed to bury my emotions?

They strangely do not mention any activities designed for me. Where are the walking paths, shuffleboards and tennis courts?  Yes, I’m getting older, but I just don’t want to lie around all day, do I?

They promote it as a great “resting place”. Sure, I’m looking forward to taking some long naps, but then I want rise up and do stuff.  And they show no photos of the residents having fun at cookouts and parties.  I mean the place just isn’t very lively, in fact it looks kind of dead.

It says plots in good locations are still available.  Well I would like one overlooking the lake, but not too close to the lilacs due to my allergies.  I
wouldn’t want to startle anyone if I suddenly started sneezing unexpectedly.  It is also confusing that they don’t list the size of their plots in square feet, but in cubic inches. I haven’t done the math, but these plots seem to be a bit small.  I don’t think I want to be confined in that limited of space, that might make me a little stiff. 

There are just too many things wrong with Sunset Valley for me to consider “spending the rest of my days” there.  I may just be thinking outside the box, but they need to add some activities for the residents to breathe some new life into the place.

Dental Problems - Crown Me

And for some unknown reason, I am suddenly having more problems with my teeth.  Of course this has nothing to do with me getting older, it is totally random, without any age-related explanation whatsoever.  I think my teeth just to it step it up and become tougher.

Recently one of these wimpy teeth needed a crown.  I have told my wife for years that I deserved a crown, but I didn’t mean one this small.  During the procedure, my dentist was struggling to reach my molar and made the most ridiculous statement ever.  He said “I wish your mouth was bigger”.

Of course he had to stop, when I started to laugh uncontrollably.

“Did I say something funny?” he asked. 

“You have to be the only person on the planet that wants me to have a bigger mouth”, I explained.  “Even the people who like me a lot, don’t wish for that!”
So there is at least one person in the world that doesn’t think I’m a big mouth. Okay, so only one person.  I’ll take it.

During the preparation for the crown, the hot, young, dental assistant gave me a Lidocaine shot to numb that side of my mouth.  I wanted to impress her with my hipness, so out of the other side of my mouth I mumbled,

“I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it, but I love it”

Now I can’t say she bitch-slapped me, because she is a lady. So I guess she lady-slapped me.  She’s smart too, didn’t slap me on the numb side either.  Got me on the side where I could still feel pain -  lots of pain.

Guess I shouldn’t have winked after I said that ……

No Hearing Problems Though

I get mailings for hearing aids, which is stupid since I am not old and have outstanding hearing.  There are several old people in my neighborhood, which of course does not include me, so there is a hearing aid sales guy who often comes around driving his mobile-testing van.

The neighbors tell me that he is very aggressive in his approach, ringing the doorbell and banging on the door until somebody answers.  Well this guy must realize that I am a still a virile, vibrant, strapping, man with excellent hearing, because even though I’ve seen his van parked by my house numerous times, he has never once come to my door!

So I repeat, I am not getting old.  No way, no how.

Please buy my new humor book - Just Make Me A Sammich http://donake.net/just-make-me-a-sammich-book


  1. What's this, Don? Subtle humor instead of the smack-you-in-the-face slapstick? Are you getting mellow in your old^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H lately? I like it, made me laugh!

  2. I will go anywhere for a laugh. I cracked myself up with the "thinking outside the box" line! Thanks for reading!