Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, March 21, 2016

I Am Raising Cane Over This! (The Aging Chronicles – Part 4)

“Soon I'll be 60 years old
My daddy got 61”

“7 Years” is the worst song that has ever been written and Lukas Graham should shut his singing pie-hole (an explanation follows at the end of this post)


By now you have seen the media reports about a recent “scandalous-type” purchase I was purported to have made.  TMZ, Gawker, Entertainment Tonight, Perez Hilton and my nosy neighbor across the street, are all blasting the news across the entire Internet, including Facebook.

I find this accusation ridiculous and unwarranted, because the purchase in question is not for a hooker, opioids, videos or even HGH, but for a cane.  Of course this is ludicrous, because there is no possible way I am close to being old enough to need such an elderly-type device.

The "alleged device"
I would like to officially issue a denial to these salacious rumors, but that is difficult to do since TMZ has somehow obtained an invoice with my name on it from a company called “Fashionable Canes” in Largo, Florida.  This has to be a forgery. Though I am tempted to claim this cane was for my wife, the Peyton Manning defense, I won’t because if my wife found out,  I might have to call medical specialists to extract the cane from where it was forcibly lodged and I could end up needing a walker instead of just a cane.

Now you and the entire world may be laughing at me, but I assure you that the cane, if there really is one, is only needed because of a medical condition that flares up very infrequently. Let me be clear, even though this ailment is more prevalent in geezers, this does not mean I am old, getting old, or even feeling older.  No, this medical condition is just causing more pain to me now for some mysterious, unknown reason, totally unrelated to my age.

I repeat, it is not due to me being old.  The condition is hereditary.  This is all my ancestors fault.  They had the same disorder, but they were highly irresponsible and negligent in dealing with it. Those bastards then passed it on down to me and now I have to deal with it by allegedly buying a £#!êing cane! 
If I did have to purchase a cane, it would upset me greatly and be a major blow to my fragile, male, ego.  It is darn difficult to appear macho, vibrant and relevant, when you require a stick to remain standing upright.   Fortunately, this purported cane has not been used yet, because my ailment has not returned since the alleged purchase.  It may be here, just in case the illness ever returns, and of course that is highly unlikely since it is usually prevalent in old people and I am certainly not that old.

I am sure these scandalous reports come as a shock to my many young, hot, female fans, of which there are legions around the world.  I need to assure them that my medical condition only constrains me when I am in the vertical position and in no way limits my ability to perform horizontally.  Let me also say that my cane, if it exists, is long and stiff, just like my ….. well you get the idea.  Fortunately for me, the cane, unlike other things, does not need a 60-minute, blue-pill, notice to achieve functionality.

I may no longer be macho, but the rumored cane is distinguished and fashionable.  I mean it did allegedly come from a place called Fashionable Canes, didn’t it?  So if the women don’t find you functional, they should at least find you fashionable (tip of the hat to Red Green).

I would also like issue a warning to all you insensitive young whippersnappers out there.  I am extremely sensitive about having to use this alleged cane in public. If you see me using this device, I strongly suggest against making any mocking-type comments.   I swear, you may be able to outrun me, but I have a long reach and if you make the mistake of getting within literal striking distance, I will take this cane and smack your £#!êing ankle so hard that you won’t be able to walk, without, without …… uh …. without using a cane, yourself!  And if you need a recommendation, I may or may not know of a good cane company.  If you happen to use the word “cripple”, I will take out both your ankles Tony Soprano style.

Of course, if I have to defend my honor in this totally justified manner, I will no doubt fall over and unlike a Weeble, I will not be able to get back up.  This would be extremely embarrassing, so if you happen to see me lying on the ground next to a younger guy who is clutching his ankle and crying out in pain, you will know what has taken place.  I would ask that you quickly help me up because I will need to leave the scene before the authorities arrive, which will be a challenge since I can’t run away, but will be forced to hobble away as fast as I can using a gosh darn cane.  And rest assured, I will shake my fist at you as I shuffle away, sonny boy.

You may think I’m getting cranky, but I’m not.  Only old people get cranky, so I am obviously not cranky, since I am not that old.  I am merely just very upset.  Upset, not cranky, got it?

This concludes my response to these nasty, offensive, salacious, false, unsubstantiated, malicious, untrue, fabricated, fictional, made-up, unproven, deceitful, rumors and lies.  Please carry on with your normal lives and try not to let these awful reports about me disturb you or ruin your day.

Song Explanation

“Soon I'll be 60 years old
My daddy got 61”

This song creeps me out every time I hear it because in a couple years I will be 60 years old and my father died at age 61.  No need to remind me of this every time I turn on the radio Lukas Graham, you stupid sonavabitch.

This concludes The Aging Chronicles. I had much more to write on this, but for some reason I can’t remember any more of it.  All this writing has made me very tired, I will be taking a nap now.  

Please buy my new humor book - Just Make Me A Sammich http://donake.net/just-make-me-a-sammich-book


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