Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Saturday, April 2, 2016

The Wackiest Presidential Election Ever

Who knew democracy could be so darn entertaining?

A surprising, new political party has emerged as a powerful force in the 2016 U. S. presidential race.  It is the Pissed Off Party (POP) and boy are they ever pissed off!

People are really pissed at the Elite Establishment Party (EEP) who either ignore the problems, deny they even exist, or hope they will get better by sprinkling magically fufu dust on them.  The EEP’ers are too busy eating expensive shrimp, playing exclusive golf, sipping fine wine, and walking around looking important in fancy, exquisite, suits, to be bothered by actual governance.

The POP’ers want candidates who are in a pissed off rage, in hopes that in being so pissed off, they will actually do something beneficial if elected. It is suspected that the EEP candidates wish to get elected so they can eat more expensive shrimp.

Fortunately, two extremely pissed off candidates have emerged to lead the POP.  These guys are really pissed off and they yell and scream at their rallies, which results in people getting even more pissed off at everybody. It has created a circle of piss, and you obviously don’t want to be standing in the middle of it, that’s for sure.

Ironically, even though the POP has two enormously pissed off candidates, one pisses to the left and the other pisses to the right.  The important thing is both these pissed-off guys are raising significant political issues that the EEP candidates do not want to discuss, which frankly pisses them off.  It has turned in to one huuuuuge pissing match.

The EEP candidates have tried to pander to the POP’ers by claiming they are pissed off about things too! Unfortunately, they may be highly agitated, greatly annoyed and egregiously irritated, but they are not sufficiently pissed off.  To appeal to the POP, you must be truly, undeniably, tremendously, pissed off, and these fakers are not. 
Another strategy from EEP’ers is to tell the POP’ers that they should not be pissed and they should just “calm down”.  Of course this just pisses them off even more. (As any married man could have predicted) This huuuuge level of pissofficy has created one of the most bizarre presidential campaigns in history.  No subject is off limits.

Candidates have argued about who has the largest wanker and the subject even came up … er no, it was raised, um no…..  let’s just say it was masterfully debated in Detroit. At one point during the debate I thought the guys were actually going to whip them out and compare, just like junior high school.  And though there is disagreement on which candidate has the biggest wanker, there is no question who has the biggest balls.

Next election, I think there should be a Wanker Party that runs candidate Iva Biggun for president.  You may laugh, but considering the choices this year, you would take a look at him, er I mean you would have to consider him.  And the Wankers would win every big caucus, wouldn’t they?  Their campaign slogan could be “Make America Straight Again”.

There is also a discussion regarding women voting with their vaginas.  In the old days this would have been impossible, but now we do have touch screens for voting in Ohio. Still, the screen is probably too high to reach with a hoo-haa, but maybe if a woman stood on a chair and straddled the thing, she might be able to do it.

I really hope women do not try this. If the woman next to me is voting with her vagina, it is going to be darn distracting.  I am going to have to stop and watch her vote, and if she is that limber and that skilled, I’ll probably applaud when she finishes, maybe even tip her. I know it’s not likely to happen, but I’m
You may want to clean the screen before voting!
bringing a “wet-nap” with me, just in case, to clean my touch screen before voting.

Some idiots have even tried to disrupt and stop POP rallies. This is stupid for two reasons. First, the people there are already pissed off. Piss them off even more and their commitment to being pissed off greatly increases.  Second, you risk pissing off the moderately agitated. If they do become pissed off, then they become new members of the POP.  Either way, by staging these protests, you strengthen the opposition.

And I must point out that people have the right to express their political opinions, even if these opinions are so disgusting and frightening to you that you $h!+ your pants.  I realize you Millennials out there will think that I am doing “kooky” talk and making this up, but if you Google “first amendment to the U.S. Constitution”, you will see that I am correct. I’m not sure what they are teaching in the schools these days, but it sure as hell ain’t American history and probably not much economics either.

So there is now one good candidate and four whackjobs. I can say that without offending anybody, because everyone now believes this to be true, we just vehemently disagree who the “good” candidate is!  The real problem is; we have way too many whackjobs still in this race.  

And there is a good chance when you go to vote, you will be challenged with choosing between two whackjobs and trying to determine which one is less wacked. It is unfortunate there are no longer actually “voting booths” or you could close the door and start to cry before casting your vote. Unfortunately, your high school civics class never prepared you for this moment.  I think I can hear Karl Marx laughing, or is that Bernie Sanders? I can’t really tell.

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