I Will Not Duck This 2016 Presidential Endorsement

It’s time boys and girls to confirm what they taught us in school, about how great democracy truly is.  We have skillfully utilized our primary elections to provide two outstanding candidates for our voting enjoyment.  HA, HA, HA, HA -  and that laughter is coming from Karl Marx’s grave – you silly proletarians you.

The Republicans who offered up a big Richie Rich-type failure four years ago, decided to nominate someone this time who is even richer – a richer Richie Rich.  This guy often blurts stuff out without thinking and then spends the next week trying to explain what he said. He also has the worst hair since Martin Van Buren.  The Democrats have countered by nominating a sickly, Richard Nixon in a pantsuit. HA, HA, HA, HA!  Shut up Karl! Shut your commie pie hole, right now!

People are very upset at the establishment and the elites this election cycle and I can see why.  You may get to vote, but then these high-falutin’ graduates of that extremely elite school, The Electoral College, actually get to pick whomever they want for president!  The school doesn’t even have a football team.  That’s right, your president gets selected by people whose college has no sports teams and no cheerleaders. This is just wrong.

But it is important to vote.  Because if you don’t and the other candidate is elected, there will be a huge disaster!  There will be plagues, an economic collapse, inter-species marriages, space aliens nominated to the Supreme Court, fire from heaven, tremendous destruction and a massive outbreak of the heebee jeebees. And this is just on the Wednesday after the election.  After that, it gets really bad.  – Or not, since Congress can still block heebee jeebee causing actions.

By far, the biggest reason to vote is so you have the right to bitch for four years if your candidate loses.  You can say “If only Ray had been elected, he would be making tremendous decisions and governing perfectly, not like the current douche-bag.  This right is given to us in Amendment 1-B, the right to bitchy-like speech. 

Well I know all my readers greatly respect my keen insight and expert analysis on all things political, therefore I am going to make my much anticipated presidential endorsement.

The most important thing is that we have the opportunity to elect a trailblazer, someone who is the first person of their type to reach the White House.  Electing someone as president due to being the “first” instead of those stupid, over-rated, “presidential qualifications”, makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  And people, that’s what’s truly most important here, how you feel about your president – not what they actually do.

Just think, last time we did elect a “first” type of president, who was able to heal the  divisiveness in this country by his mere presence.  We have blended together  into one huge, sweet, Milky Way bar and now you never hear of any disharmony or conflict at all.

And now once again we have the opportunity to put a new “first” in the White House.  You know it’s time, people.  This group has been downtrodden, discriminated against, held back, ridiculed, disparaged.  We should all feel a tremendous amount of shame that it has taken this long for a person to be considered for this honored position.  Now this group stands on the edge of greatness and it is our honor, our responsibility, and our duty, to elect one of them as President of these great United States.

This is a cause that I support 100%, I am convicted to the core of my very soul.  It is time to stop holding these people back!  I wholehearted support these people, because I personally have experienced the utter pain and humiliation they have suffered.  These people happen to be my people, and that is why we need to elect someone named “Donald” as President of the United States of America!

Of course this is very personal for me.  This is my name and these are truly my people.  We have been persecuted and discriminated against for too long.  Up to now, our most prominent standard bearer has been a duck.  A moronic duck, with a bizarre voice and no pants - and I emphasize, no pants.

I am not a duck!

There has never been a president named Donald.  We had had a Zachary, Millard, Ulysses, Chester, Grover and Rutherford.  That’s right a Rutherford. Rutherford B. Hayes (why the hell is the “B” even necessary, if your name is Rutherford?) and he was a bad president, very, very bad. Just awful, a total loser.

If you have followed this campaign, you may think that all men named Donald are egotistical, blowhard, maniacs, who make outrageous statements that offend and hurt people.  However, readers of my blog know that there is nothing further from the tr…. Okay, um, bad example. All right, maybe the worst example ever.

And I will admit that over my business career at several companies, that the Donalds who I have worked with have been some of the biggest idiot, arrogant, a$$holes that I have ever encountered.  You may think that I exaggerate, but I know my former co-workers at these companies would wholeheartedly agree with that statement.  But please just ignore that.

You may vote on the basis of a candidate’s geopolitical strategy or their microeconomic plan, but that is way too confusing for me.  This time, I’m only voting for a name – the first name, and this reason trumps all others. 

And if you criticize me for my choice, you are a name bigot. You are a deplorable namist and are discriminating against Donalds everywhere, including little children named Donald in third-world countries. You horrible, piece of slime, you.

So this election, I am endorsing Donald for President of the United States and voting a straight Donald ticket.

The Wackiest Presidential Election Ever

Who knew democracy could be so darn entertaining?

A surprising, new political party has emerged as a powerful force in the 2016 U. S. presidential race.  It is the Pissed Off Party (POP) and boy are they ever pissed off!

People are really pissed at the Elite Establishment Party (EEP) who either ignore the problems, deny they even exist, or hope they will get better by sprinkling magically fufu dust on them.  The EEP’ers are too busy eating expensive shrimp, playing exclusive golf, sipping fine wine, and walking around looking important in fancy, exquisite, suits, to be bothered by actual governance.

The POP’ers want candidates who are in a pissed off rage, in hopes that in being so pissed off, they will actually do something beneficial if elected. It is suspected that the EEP candidates wish to get elected so they can eat more expensive shrimp.

Fortunately, two extremely pissed off candidates have emerged to lead the POP.  These guys are really pissed off and they yell and scream at their rallies, which results in people getting even more pissed off at everybody. It has created a circle of piss, and you obviously don’t want to be standing in the middle of it, that’s for sure.

Ironically, even though the POP has two enormously pissed off candidates, one pisses to the left and the other pisses to the right.  The important thing is both these pissed-off guys are raising significant political issues that the EEP candidates do not want to discuss, which frankly pisses them off.  It has turned in to one huuuuuge pissing match.

The EEP candidates have tried to pander to the POP’ers by claiming they are pissed off about things too! Unfortunately, they may be highly agitated, greatly annoyed and egregiously irritated, but they are not sufficiently pissed off.  To appeal to the POP, you must be truly, undeniably, tremendously, pissed off, and these fakers are not. 

  

Another strategy from EEP’ers is to tell the POP’ers that they should not be pissed and they should just “calm down”.  Of course this just pisses them off even more. (As any married man could have predicted) This huuuuge level of pissofficy has created one of the most bizarre presidential campaigns in history.  No subject is off limits.

Candidates have argued about who has the largest wanker and the subject even came up … er no, it was raised, um no…..  let’s just say it was masterfully debated in Detroit. At one point during the debate I thought the guys were actually going to whip them out and compare, just like junior high school.  And though there is disagreement on which candidate has the biggest wanker, there is no question who has the biggest balls.

Next election, I think there should be a Wanker Party that runs candidate Iva Biggun for president.  You may laugh, but considering the choices this year, you would take a look at him, er I mean you would have to consider him.  And the Wankers would win every big caucus, wouldn’t they?  Their campaign slogan could be “Make America Straight Again”.

There is also a discussion regarding women voting with their vaginas.  In the old days this would have been impossible, but now we do have touch screens for voting in Ohio. Still, the screen is probably too high to reach with a hoo-haa, but maybe if a woman stood on a chair and straddled the thing, she might be able to do it.

I really hope women do not try this. If the woman next to me is voting with her vagina, it is going to be darn distracting.  I am going to have to stop and watch her vote, and if she is that limber and that skilled, I’ll probably applaud when she finishes, maybe even tip her. I know it’s not likely to happen, but I’m

You may want to clean the screen before voting!

bringing a “wet-nap” with me, just in case, to clean my touch screen before voting.

Some idiots have even tried to disrupt and stop POP rallies. This is stupid for two reasons. First, the people there are already pissed off. Piss them off even more and their commitment to being pissed off greatly increases.  Second, you risk pissing off the moderately agitated. If they do become pissed off, then they become new members of the POP.  Either way, by staging these protests, you strengthen the opposition.

And I must point out that people have the right to express their political opinions, even if these opinions are so disgusting and frightening to you that you $h!+ your pants.  I realize you Millennials out there will think that I am doing “kooky” talk and making this up, but if you Google “first amendment to the U.S. Constitution”, you will see that I am correct. I’m not sure what they are teaching in the schools these days, but it sure as hell ain’t American history and probably not much economics either.

So there is now one good candidate and four whackjobs. I can say that without offending anybody, because everyone now believes this to be true, we just vehemently disagree who the “good” candidate is!  The real problem is; we have way too many whackjobs still in this race.  

And there is a good chance when you go to vote, you will be challenged with choosing between two whackjobs and trying to determine which one is less wacked. It is unfortunate there are no longer actually “voting booths” or you could close the door and start to cry before casting your vote. Unfortunately, your high school civics class never prepared you for this moment.  I think I can hear Karl Marx laughing, or is that Bernie Sanders? I can’t really tell.

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