Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Tim McGraw is a Foreign Country Singer (Summer of Country Music – Part 2)

It was a strange circumstance indeed for me to attend a Tim McGraw concert, more uncommon than watching a Quick Draw McGraw marathon on Cartoon Network.  But I had purchased an expensive ticket for my daughter and when she couldn’t go, I had to extrude as much value out of this audacious purchase as I could, being the cheap bastard that I am.

The ticket, by the way, costed $230.  Of course the concert didn’t cost that much, I figure the actual concert was around ten bucks.  But then they added in all the fees, including:

The Convenience Fee -  It is very convenient for someone to extract more cash from you after you have already bought the ticket.

The Printing Fee – I am using my paper, my ink and my printer to do the actual printing and they do not need to process or mail the ticket.  Shouldn’t they be paying me to do this?

The Government Fee – Otherwise known as taxes. What possible involvement or interest does the government have in a concert and where does this money go?

I had no interest in this concert, except to salvage some of my $230.  I know that Tim McGraw is married to that hot chick who used to sing before Sunday Night Football and I’ve probably heard some of his songs, but I couldn’t tell him apart from other country stars such as Blake Shelton, Luke Bryan or Drake.
Is this Drake?

So I headed off to the concert that night at the Pro Football Hall of Fame stadium.  The concert is part of the Hall of Fame induction weekend in August.  My wife and I arrived well before the concert to soak up the great atmosphere.  Thousands of football fans were on the grounds and there was a couple of local bands providing entertainment.

I ran into my friend Fulton at one of the pre-concerts and he pointed out to me that I was dressed improperly for the evening.  It was sweltering hot and I selected a jersey that was loose-fitting and comfortable in the heat – a baseball jersey.  So at football Mecca, among thousands of people wearing football jerseys, I am walking around in a Dodgers shirt.  This is the equivalent to wearing a hijab to church.

I felt like such a dweeb, very nerdy.  I couldn’t be the only one stupid enough to do this, so as I walked around I searched for anyone else wearing a baseball jersey.  And I finally found one! “Ha I thought, I’m not the only one!  Yeah, whoa, that guy sure looks like a total loser in that baseball garb! --- Oh crap, never mind ……..”

I was still not dressed appropriately when I entered the stadium for the concert.  It was like entering a foreign country.  Everyone was wearing cowboy boots.  This alarmed me and I was careful wear I stepped because I was sure the ground was covered in goose poop. I mean why else would people be wearing boots in 90- degree weather?

However, this concert was becoming much more tolerable due to the abundance of young women pairing their boots with Daisy Dukes.  Now this wasn’t totally enjoyable.  These shorts were made popular by actress Catherine Bach who had world-class thighs.  Some of those women sporting Daisy Dukes that night had world-wide thighs.  You could call them Daisy Delusionals, if they believed that was a good fashion choice.  I don’t like excessive government regulations, but if Congress wrote a law limiting the size of Daisy Dukes that could be sold, I think I would have to get behind it, I mean support it.

But I’m sure all these ladies are sweethearts, no matter their size.  My single friend Ben tells me all the time how much he enjoys dating country girls.  But he doesn’t date them exclusively, because he likes city girls too. Just the other day he told me he loves cowgirls, but said sometimes he enjoys reverse cowgirl too.

One thing I couldn’t understand were the people going for beers constantly throughout the concert.  First you miss half the concert, then you end up drunk and can’t enjoy the rest of it. Um, you could have just gone to a bar that night and saved $230.

Now I did leave my seat once to get a large, thick, milkshake. I guess all those thick thighs were making me thirsty.  However, on my way back, one of those drunken cowboys crashed into me and I spilled my milkshake all over the field.  Now I quickly took my foot and smoothed it around so it blended into the painting done for the upcoming Hall of Fame Game.  I think I hid it very well and I’m sure no one even noticed it.

The concert actually was very enjoyable, with the added entertainment of with a very inebriated cowgirl arguing loudly with the authorities about the location of her seat.  And I did recognize some of the songs including “I Like It, I Love It” (I want some more of it) which has to be the greatest song ever written about mashed potatoes.

Now I do admit that I was unable to extract the full $230 out of the experience, but I’m still glad I went.  I do believe it is beneficial to expand my horizons and once the news gets out, it could get me a second chance with Taylor Swift – well as soon as she dumps her current boyfriend. (Which incidentally, just happened after I wrote this and before I posted!)

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