Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, March 20, 2017

These Shorts Stand Tall! (A Brief Evaluation – Part 2)

Review of Part 1 

When ads for expensive underwear began appearing on my Facebook feed, I wondered if these uber- shorts were really worth the high price. So, I purchased four pairs of the top brands to compare and I will review them here and now. 

It’s time to get down to the nuts and bolts of this issue, okay, mainly just the nuts.  The boxer-briefs will be judged on the following five factors:

1.   Overall Feel –

How do the shorts feel as a unit, including on your unit?  Maybe more importantly, how do you feel when wearing them.  This evaluation is complicated by the fact that a major selling point is that you are not supposed to feel the shorts much at all.

2.   Pinch, Bunch, and Ride-up Control

One of the drawbacks of boxer-briefs is that they can pinch your very delicate places.  They can also bunch up, which can result in painful chaffing.  In addition, you don’t want them riding up on you and causing an uncomfortable wedgie.  Bottom line: You don’t want your undies literally in a bunch.

3.   Odor Control

These shorts must literally be able to pass the “smell test”.  Unfortunately, I was not able to recruit anyone to help me administer this very critical and very scientific task.  My wife even declined and she runs scientific tests every day in her job!  This evaluation was the most complicated because it was difficult to hold conditions constant from day to day.  Just like commercials for certain female products proclaim, sometimes guys can experience a “heavy-flow” day.

4.   Appearance

Of course, this is not as important for a middle-aged, married guy like me.  Heck, my wife is impressed if I keep my shorts clean, which can be difficult some days (see note above).  However, I will still rate the briefs on this factor for the younger bucks out there who care a lot about this one.

5.    Breathability, Moisture Control, Mobility

This covers various other factors involving the coolness of the fabric, the ability to control sweat and the capacity of the undergarment to move with you during physical labor.  It does not have anything to do with the difficulty of people breathing when they are near you, the control of other “liquids” and the ease of dropping your drawers quickly when the need arises.

The Evaluation

I did not assign a scoring system because the importance of each factor will vary greatly among men.  Keep in mind these shorts were tested on an aging, somewhat overweight (but not fat!), baby boomer.  Your results may vary.  I could not find anyone willing to help me conduct this evaluation, however “my boys” will assist me, since they have intimate knowledge of the subject. The brands are reviewed in order of list price, from least to most expensive.

Me Undies

Men’s Boxer Brief ($20 List)

The shorts are made from a thin, stretchy fabric which has a pleasant feel.  Which is good, because you will feel these more than the other higher-priced brands.  Although they do move around some, they don’t pinch or chaff because the material is so soft.  They have a good waist band and they don’t ride up.  They look fine on me.   Because they are less expensive, there is no odor or sweat control features, although you won’t sweat much due to the light fabric.

The outstanding feature of the Me Undies is the pouch.  It lifts up and juts out the boys, similar to the concept employed by a push-up bra. It did feel a bit weird, but I do have to admit that I did take an extended time to view myself in the mirror wearing these briefs, including a couple “modelish” turns of the hips.  The boys seem to enjoy the ride!  Now while this feature is not relevant for an aging boomer body, if you are a young stud sporting tight, skinny jeans, this might allow you to package your goods for maximum effect.

The Skivvy:  Nice underwear tailored toward the younger set.  Not a great value, in that you can find better underwear for under $20, but you still would have to search for it. Me Undies makes ordering fun and easy and you can save 33% by subscribing to their underwear of the month club.  Plus, you won’t find a better selection of wild colors and patterns – if that is your style.  Me Undies also wants a close relationship with their customers.  I get an email from “Jen” every few days checking up with me about my underwear.  No woman has cared this much about my underwear since my mother.  I envision that Jen is a smokin’ hot, young woman and I think I might just be falling in love with her.

Duluth Trading Company

Buck Naked Performance Boxer Brief ($22.50 List)

These shorts feature a mesh-like material which provides superior mobility and moisture control.  You would think that you would feel this fabric more, but you really don’t.  The Buck Naked’s don’t pinch or bunch and the odor control is greatnt.  The appearance is more rugged, emblematic of DTC items.  I would have looked much better in these shorts sporting a large, manly, beard like my friend Erin.

The unique feature of these underpants is the large, roomy, pouch.  These are literally boxers encased in a brief.  They employ the same principle as having a large, fenced-in yard for your dogs.  They can run, frolic and play, but they remained contained and cannot escape.  The shorts provide the same type of playground for your boys.  After wearing these shorts, I know how a free-range chicken feels after being freed from the coup.  I guess in this case it would be a rooster, not a chicken. And another name for a roster is a … wait …. so inside my underwear I have a free-range c ….. okay, you get the idea.

The Skivvy: Good underwear that works well for the older guy or the labor-ing younger guy. If you’ve reached the age where you need to transition from boxers to boxer-briefs to ah, get more containment, this is your best choice.  These shorts can also be worn while exercising, but I don’t think they would secure the boys enough on the tennis court.  The appearance might be a draw back for the single guys.  I would recommend flinging these off quickly at “the moment of truth”.  No need to give her the first impression that you aren’t filling out that large pouch.

Mac Weldon

Boxer Briefs – Silver ($34 List)

At first glance the Mac Wedon’s appear to be average, ordinary, shorts and not worthy of a premium price. However, the looks here are very deceiving.  This underwear has a great waistband, makes me look kind of sexy, and is cool and comfortable.  You can feel these shorts a little more than some of the others, but when you do, the fabric is very uh, pleasurable.  The underwear didn’t pinch, bunch or move much, for the most part (more on this later).

A big selling point of the Weldon’s is the odor control provided by the silver in the fabric.  And the shorts pass the smell test with an A+.  After 17 hours of wear, they smelled just as fresh as when I put them on.  It’s enough to cause me to shout “Hi-Yo Silver, Away!”  (Who was that masked man in his underpants?)

The Mac’s are excellent shorts, however there was one issue.  The first time I wore them I did experience a wedgie. It was odd because it only happened once, it wasn’t like they were riding my crack the whole day.  I thought it may have been a fluke or due to “sticky buns”, but it happened again on the next wearing.  So, this was a black mark on them, but fortunately not a brown one.

Tommy John

Second Skin Boxer Brief ($34 List)

These briefs seem excellent right out of the box, literally, because they shipped in their own special box.  The fabric is fantastic, silky smooth and it glides unobtrusively with you.  “Second Skin” is a highly appropriate name for these shorts, they fit wonderfully.  They wick up the moisture and the odor control is excellent.

Still with all these plusses, my favorite thing about the Tommy John’s is the appearance.  If felt like the briefs were pushing and lifting my buttocks up into a more attractive position.  They made this aging baby boomer look darn good, and that is no small feat.  If I were permitted to post a pic modeling one pair (but I’m not, since my wife put the kibosh on this), it would definitely be with the TJ’s and if I could keep my belly out of sight, I may not even be embarrassed! Boo-ya!

The Skivvy: Unbelievably fantastic underwear, with no real weaknesses.  My boys give them two thumbs up, well they would if they actually had thumbs, but you get the idea.

The Final Verdict

The good news is there is something to love about all these shorts and there is not a stinker in the bunch.  If you are a younger guy, with a limited budget and want a fun, colorful, relational buying experience, then get yourself some Me Undies.  If you need a tougher pair of boxer-briefs for manual work and exercise, or that provides your boys with more freedom, go “Buck Naked” with Duluth Trading Company.  If you have a problem with odor, the Mac Weldon’s with silver are your choice.

My overall winner is the Tommy John Second Skins.  I actually look forward to wearing these because they feel so good!  My friend Norton agrees with this
The Winner! - Tommy John "Second Skin"
choice, although he prefers their “360 Sport” Boxer Brief.

Yes, this is the underwear of kings.  So excellent are they, that you will wipe one extra time, out of the respect for these shorts.

Next Time: Shorts left over from my underwear evaluation

No comments:

Post a Comment