Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, March 27, 2017

Loose Threads From My Underwear (Posts)

There were some leftover threads from my underwear evaluation that I could not fit in.  In other words, my shorts posts were too tight!  So here they are:

I Got Fat Shamed

There were two, high-priced, designer brands which I could not include in my study because they did not make shorts large enough to fit me.  I realize that an aging baby boomer body has no business cavorting around in designer undies, and yet surprisingly, it did hurt my feelings a bit. To the plus-sized ladies who suffer the same fate with some designer clothes, I FEEL YOUR PAIN!  Before, I thought you were just whining, but now I get it.  As they say, never judge a rubenesque woman until you have spent a day in her und….. Oh my! Well, you get the idea.

Underwear Advice For The Young Guys

However, in doing more research, I found that the designer underwear was not rated that highly by other reviewers. One review claimed that the main reason  young, single guys wear designer shorts is to impress new chicks during their, first, uh, encounter, yeah encounter.  But there two things very wrong with this.  Allow me as an older and wiser man to impart some wisdom upon those young whippersnappers who may need some advice.

First, it is dangerous to try to impress young ladies with any designer-type apparel.  The type of woman who is attracted to this sort of thing, is the type of wife who will spend most of your money and then take half of what’s left.

Secondly, if your goal after that first encounter is for the woman to remember the brand of your shorts you wear, then you are doing it wrong.  Yes, literally, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG. 

I also mentioned that the pouch on one brand pushed your junk up and out and when combined with tight pants could be a good way to advertise your wares. Likewise, be careful young man, about the fish you might catch from casting that worm. You can’t build a relationship on just that.  Your worm will not always be that zesty and you will always be vulnerable to other fellows, with larger worms, who may try to fish in your pond.

Even More Underwear Choices 

After I made the four underwear purchases for the study, my Facebook feed was inundated with new, sometimes weird, underwear ads.  How does Facebook know what I am actually buying?  This is creepy, especially for this product.
The weirdest ad promoted boxer-briefs containing 11 magnets in the pouch.  I guess the magnets are supposed to increase circulation and energize your man parts.  However, I see some drawbacks.  It would be embarrassing to be walking through an appliance store and suddenly have your crotch stuck forcefully to a refrigerator.  The sales clerk would be all like “Sir, I can see you’ve taken a real liking to that one!  When do you want it delivered?”

Also, you could be on the dance floor and get too close to a woman wearing magnetic panties (yes, they do exist also).  Of course, it would be a magnetic attraction, but it would be very awkward to have your nether regions locked tight together in public, especially if this woman was undesirable is some way.  You might even need some help being pulled apart and it could hurt!

By far the most disturbing ad featured a broadly smiling, older guy proudly sporting some boxer briefs.  This brand was promoted as “functional underwear for incontinence”. They say it looks great and it is “go every wear”! A major selling point is how many times you can wash them. Wonderful.  Why does Facebook think I would even be interested in this product? Who have they been talking to? I don’t want, nor need, to go everywhere.  I’ll just continue to go where I’ve been going, thank you.

What About Underwear Morality

I never addressed the morality of spending $34 on a pair of underwear when some men in the world are running around nearly nekkid, meaning their man parts are exposed to the elements and to attack by wild animals.  Someone should form the “Save The Cojones Foundation” to bring decent men’s underwear to third-world countries.  So, the literal bottom line is that if you fulfill your charitable obligations, you can splurge a little on your shorts. That is splurge, S-P-L-U-R-G-E, splurge.

However, it is vitally important to find shorts that don’t bunch up during those long business meetings.  You can’t be grabbing your crotch at the conference table and you don’t want to be squirming too much in your chair.  Most importantly, when your boss asks what you think about the situation, you do not want to reply: “The competition is really squeezing us hard and pinching our profits. Still, we shouldn’t do anything rash.”

A Good Man Rule
Only a couple underwear vendors offered shorts in shades of brown.  A universal man rule is: Never wear brown underwear.  The reason why you shouldn’t do this is of course, ah, err, eh.  Well just don’t. Trust me on this.

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