Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Sunday, May 20, 2018

The Royal Wedding Left Me Flat – A guy’s review

With all the buzz about the royal wedding I thought a review of the event by an average guy, for average guys, was needed.

Full Confession #1

I didn’t actually attend the event. I had hoped to score an invitation based on me being an author of two books. And in book one, I do defend Duchess Kate in her battle with the paparazzi. I imagined this might get me a seat next to Elton John.  “Hey Elton, big fan! Got all your albums!” But I gave up watching the mailbox for the invite a couple weeks ago. They must consider me a “commoner”, though most people  think of me as an “uncommoner”.  I guess I will never be royals. It don’t run in my blood. And I do crave a different type of buzz.

Of course, I was disappointed in not getting to attend the wedding. But not because I would miss the ceremony. No, my main interest was in the spectacular spread of free appetizers at this event. A royal wedding would be the pinnacle of free appetizers with delicacies prepared by some of the top chefs in Europe. I would probably not be able to pronounce any of the appetizer names, but there would be plenty and they would be delicious. The only bad thing is they would probably expect you to wash down these hors d’oeuvres with ridiculously old wine, which absolutely ruins the taste of the wienie-bacon rolls. Maybe I could have a gotten a Pepsi, but it is all a moot point now.

Full Confession #2

I didn’t watch the wedding on television. And it’s not because it was so early in the morning. (Why did they get married in the twilight hours anyway?). I would not have watched it even in prime time. If I did, I would have needed to surrender my man-card. Why?  Except for family, men care extremely little about other people’s weddings. Truth be told, we care very little about our own wedding. Getting through the ceremony being a necessary requirement to getting to the wedding night and the promise of some hot lovin’. Men will endure hardships such as yoga class, family reunions and furniture shopping if it leads to a steamy bedroom experience.

My Impressions

From watching the highlights of the wedding on television, there are a couple things which men do care about. The bride Meghan Markle is certified babelicious. But you would expect nothing less. When your standard pick-up line is “Hi there, I’m Prince (fill-in the blank)” and you follow it up with “Yes, I do have a bazillion dollars”, you may not get to choose any woman in the kingdom as in olden days, but you are going to attract the affection of most of the beautiful women in the entire free world.

Which is maybe why Prince Harry waited until age 33 to wed. He was either very selective or getting really tired.  And he selected a “commoner”! Of course, it’s more than just the Keebler Elves that find her “uncommonly good”.  She measures in at 37”-25”-34”, (the only stats from the event that men care about) which means she even looks like a Disney princess, except for that chunky waist.

However, the wedding dress was horrible, simply horrible. I saw long articles praising every piece and part of this “gorgeous” gown. Oh, the sleeves!  Oh the 16-foot veil! Women get into all the details of this dress like guys breakdown NFL defenses, and we all know which one is much more important.

This was a “Givenchy” designer dress, costing around $500,000 (take that commoners!) but it’s giv-en-chen me a major case of heartburn.  I don’t care who this guy is.  He can’t play safety in the NFL and he designed an awful, truly awful, dress for Meghan.

The reason this dress is so disgusting? – It flattened the brides chest. -- She’s bringing an ample 37-inches to the party and it’s being muffled. This is a crime, because you just bound up some of the royal jewels and held them hostage.
Correctly displaying the royal goblets

Now I’m not saying you needed to have a plunging neckline, as you might see at your cousin Nadine’s wedding. When she has ‘em propped up and shoved way out creating more jiggle than the jello buffet at Golden Corral.  That high “boat-neck” collar is fine and she’s so ample you don’t even need a push-up bra, however at age 36, she would need some support.  But to take a voluptuous 37” bust and convert it to a 32” flat-screen on a woman’s wedding date, when the world is watching should be a crime. It’s a travesty I say, a royal travesty.

Final Note

Megan is now the “the Duchess of Sussex”. Try saying that three times without smiling, Beavis. All in all, it looks like the Prince was very sus-sexful indeed.

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