Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Sunday, June 3, 2018

Bears Don’t Do This In The Woods

My wife had brought home something unusual from the grocery store. I stared at it winsomely, as I cradled it in my hands. But I was not prepared for the glorious joy I was about to experience.


Ahhhhhhhhh …….


Ya Ya Yakka Moo Moo!

Oh baby, that feels oh so gooooooooooooooooood!

Who knew 3-ply toilet paper felt this wonderful?

They can’t really tell you in the television ads how good this stuff is because it would be oh so awkward. It is amusing how they try to use cartoon bears to sell toilet paper. Because bears do crap in the woods and the only thing there to wipe with is leaves and that proves to be  very uncomfortable to the human tush. However, according to my very extensive Internet research, bears don’t even wipe afterward. This means that whole advertisement is a fraud since these allegedly picky bears wouldn’t even use toilet paper if they had access to
Fake News!
it. This is a prime example of FAKE NEWS. So, does a bear crap in the woods? Yes. Does he wipe his butt afterward? No.  I certainly hope that settles the issue.

But, oh baby, baby! Does this 3-ply stuff rock! I don’t even know what to call this experience. Wipevana?  Paperpalooza? Tushtastic?  Yes, this puffy paper delivers, oh more appropriately, gets rid of, the goods. The brand names include words like: Velvety, Quilted (grandma made my toilet paper!), Bliss, Plush and my favorite name, Cashmere. Perhaps that last one is like wiping your butt with your sweater – but maybe don’t try that one at home.

Besides the comfort to your backside, 3-ply paper also improves your health. After I experienced this blissfulness for the first time, I ate lots of fiber the rest of the day to ensure I could repeat the process as soon as possible.

However, this sensation was so gratifying that I started to feel guilty. I mean the Puritans would have never used this. And let’s face it, well maybe not face it, the product is inherently and atrociously wasteful. You are using 3 plies, when 2 plies are sufficient. That’s 50% more paper, 50%! I’ve been wiping with 2-ply my entire life with no complaints. But now I am using an extra sheet to do the job. Therefore using 3-ply is enormously environmentally irresponsible! You are not going green, if you wipe with 3-ply after going brown – even if you happened to actually go green.

Velvety goodness 
And then what about the poor people stuck with using cheap 1-ply, rough paper? Some of it probably contains chunks of wood, it’s so coarse. How can I cavalierly stick 3-ply up my butt without feeling any remorse?  And what about people in the third-world countries? Do I not care? Am I an elitist? Is using this product a result of literally white-fluffy privilege?

So yes, I was feeling soooo guilty about using the 3-ply toilet tissue. Until of course, nature called and ....

Yabba dabba do do!

Hacha hacha mama!

Whoopity whippity weeeee!

Ahhhhhh, the thrill of it!

However, this guilt was overwhelming and when I feel this remorseful about my behavior, there is only one responsible course of action. --- I must go to any degree, I must construct any argument, I must twist logic like a pretzel, to completely justify my actions. 

I give money every month to a poor African kid. Surely, they use some of that money to buy toilet paper. So I have earned the right to use 3-ply, correct? Maybe. But my best justification for going to the 3-ply is that my anus is in training. Yes, it’s almost time for a colonoscopy, so I need to get my anus ready for the big day. I need my anus in top condition and ready to perform at the highest level.

Now if you’re now expecting the same lame jokes about the colonoscopy prep and procedure that have been done thousands of times by hundreds of comics, then you are reading the wrong blog. There is absolutely nothing funny about you paying to get a probe shoved up your a$$.

You know there is something weird about to happen when everyone is overly interested and excited about looking up your butthole. All these people are way too happy and cheerful. Whenever this happens, you know something bad is about to happen to you.

Your doctor: “Well Don, it looks like your due for a colonoscopy!” (Big Smile)

The clinic scheduler (on the phone): “Fantastic! We have you all scheduled for Tuesday morning, the 14th!” (and you know she is smiling)

The clinic receptionist: “Welcome, Mr. Ake! We’re all ready for you!" (Huge smile)

The clinic doctor: “There’s nothing to worry about, har, har! We use lots of lube here!” (Big, goofy smile)

This is one procedure where I don’t even care if the nurse is hot. I just want her to be gentle and to have not broken up with her boyfriend last night (Men! I would just like to take that TV controller and shove it right up his ...) And even though the nurse and I are going to share an intimate experience, I don’t expect her to call me in the morning to see how I’m doing. It’s best that when I leave the clinic that we both pretend this never happened and go on with our lives.

I do think that if everyone is going to pretend to be so giddy about looking up your anus, that just like a baseball player coming to bat, you should be able to choose a walk-up song. As they wheel me into the exam room, my “roll-up” song would be “I’m Sexy and I Know It” and I would be rapidly pistol pointing at the nurses, the receptionist and anyone else in my path.

Doc, look in my body
Doc, look in my body
Doc, look in my body
I wipe clean

I know normal people have many fears about the procedure, but I am not “normal people”. My biggest fear is that my colonoscopy video would be “leaked” and posted on the Internet. The video would go viral and would lead to a reality television show starring my anus. The pilot would get picked up by truTV and millions of viewers would tune in every week for The Don’s Anus Show. The show would end up being much more popular than my book and I would be relegated to answering questions from the press such as: “What’s it like having a famous anus?”  
“This week on the Don’s Anus Show: Don gets the Nitro Burrito at Chipotle – Spoiler Alert! This is not going to end well.”

Even with this risk, it is important to get the colonoscopy because it saved my friend Mark’s life. But just like everything else, preparation is important. I must make sure my hemorrhoids are cool, calm and literally collected, before they are brutally traumatized in a most irritating manner. And the best way to do this is to pamper them with the softest, lushest, 3-ply toilet tissue I can find.

Yes, I am now a 3-ply guy, and I am not ashamed. 

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