Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Flunking A Huge Job Interview

Last week in Washington D.C. …..

Senator Weedly: I will now bring this committee meeting on the nomination of Donald Ake to the new cabinet position of Controller of Donald-type Communications to order.  As you know Mr. Ake, tweets and statement emitting from certain Donalds have caused quite an uproar. This must be controlled. You have been nominated for this position because you are a fellow Donald and for your impressive communications ability. Do you have an opening statement?

Ake: I really don’t know why this position is cabinet level and why we need a big hearing. My assigned attorney is not even taking this seriously. He’s out in the hall taking a phone call and -

Senator Weedly: Thank you Mr. Ake. I now yield the floor to Senator Ima Titewon from Aridzona.

Senator Titewon: We will begin by exploring some of your college writings.
Ake: Wow, you found my college thesis! It is an excellent paper on marketing research –

Senator Titewon: No actually, I’m referring to your Ake’s Pains columns in the University of Akron Buchtelite from 1977 to 1978.

Ake: Would someone please get my attorney in here, now!

Senator Titewon: I need to enter this stack of articles into the record.  Now Mr. Ake, did you write that the Women’s Tennis Team, quote, “Are a bunch of swingers”?

Ake: Yes, but that was a joke. It was a double entendre.

Senator Titewon: I see. Do you enjoy double entendres, Mr. Ake?

Ake: I guess I do.

Senator Titewon: Did you ever engage in a double entendre with members of the women’s tennis team?

Ake: No! That’s not how it works –

Senator Titewon:  Did you write that Christopher Columbus made his journey to the new world because he was searching for women with large breasts?
Ake: Yes, but it was satirical. It – 

Senator Titewon: Did you suggest co-eds wear skimpy clothing to heat up classrooms on winter days? Did you advocate the university hire go-go dancers to entertain in the campus eatery? Did you attempt to organize a sex orgy in the student center?

Ake: I, uh, er, I going to have to say yes.

(Gasps and rumbles from the audience)

Senator Weedly: Order! Order!

Senator Titewon: How do you explain such awful, disgusting, sexist attempts at the worst sophomoric humor I have ever seen?

Ake: Uh, I was a sophomore?

Senator Weedly: The floor now yields to Senator Boring Booger from New Yark.

Senator Booger: Hello Mr. Ake, have you ever exposed yourself to a female?
Ake: I can assure you that I have never done anything like that.

Senator Booger: Are you familiar with the term “mooning”, Mr. Ake?

Ake: I believe that’s when a group of guys consume beers and then they howl at the moon.

Senator Booger: No, it isn’t. Mooning is when someone intentionally pulls down his pants and exposes his buttocks to a person. Mr. Ake, do you know a Billy (Redacted), who was known as Billy the Mooner?

Ake: Yes, Billy lived a couple street over from me.

Senator Booger: We have testimony from a teacher, Miss Elsie Crabtree, who says on the afternoon of August 24, 1971 she was preparing for upcoming classes at the local grade school, when a group of boys playing football behind the school noticed her by the widow. She says you participated in a gang-moon of her organized by Billy the Mooner. She says it was your buns on the far right side of the line. Did you shoot the moon at Miss Crabtree, Mr. Ake?

(Ake consults with his attorney, whisper, whisper …)

Ake: I don’t remember the alleged incident. I would however submit to a buns line-up to see if Miss Crabtree could identify me.

Senator Booger: How much more do you weigh now than you did in 1971?
Ake: Uh, almost double.

Senator Booger: Yeah, I think your moon has entered a new phase, Mr. Ake. No further questions.

Ake: Hey, even if I did moon her, I haven’t shot the moon in over 40 years. I mean c’mon!

Senator Weedly: I yield the floor to Senator Dee Dee Frankenstien from Californication.

Senator Frankenstein: Have you ever sexually assaulted anyone Mr. Ake?

Ake: Now I can emphatically say, I have never, ever, sexually assaulted anyone.

Senator Frankenstein: Well Mr. Ake, are you familiar with the term “duking”.
Ake: Oh yes. Duking is when a group of guys get together and pretend to be Dukes. They dress like Dukes and say Duke-like things.

Senator Frankenstein: I would like to introduce into the record an article that you wrote in 1978 in which you describe duking. You say it involves following females into a haunted house amusement facility and then grabbing their buttocks in the dark.

Ake: Well yes, that’s a totally different type of duking.

Senator Frankenstein: I hold in my hand a swore affidavit from a Cindy Chadwick that claims on the night of October 18, 1975 you were behind her in line at the Scream in the Dark haunted house. Soon after she entered the facility, someone aggressively squeezed her left butt cheek, and then giggled profusely.

Ake: Giggle, giggle, giggle. Please give me a moment here. Giggle, giggle. This is ridiculous, why would I want to do that to Cindy Chadwick?

Senator Frankenstein: I would like to enter into the record a 1975 photo of Miss Chadwick bending over to pick up a penny. 

Senator Booger: Wow! That is one nice piece of as –

(Gasps and rumbles from the audience)

Senator Weedly: Order! Order!

Ake: I don’t believe it was me. I think it was my friend Chuck (Redacted). He was with me and Chuck was the greatest duker ever.

Senator Frankenstein: How can you be 100% certain that you did not grab Cindy’s buttocks that night?

(Ake consults with his attorney. Whisper, whisper ….)

Ake: Because it was dark, senator. It was very dark.

Senator Weedly: Order! Order! Next up is the Senator from Viagra, Willie Whitewash
Senator Whitewash: We have obtained a copy of your high school yearbook from a Becky McMillan. Do you remember Ms. McMillan?

Ake: Yes, I do.

Senator Whitewash: I bet you do! Because someone named Suzie, wrote in her yearbook: “It was so funny how Don A. always had the hots for you!”

Did you in fact have these so-called “hots” for Ms. McMillian?

Ake: Yes, I was attracted to Becky.

Senator Whitewash: Well how did these “hots” manifest themselves. Exactly where was all this heat located?

Ake: Really?

(Ake consults with attorney, whisper, whisper… )

Ake: I think Jerry Lee Lewis described it best, senator.

Senator Whitewash: Goodness, gracious Mr. Ake, did you ever take any action on these hots?

Ake: Yes I did. (rumble, rumble in the chamber) I asked Becky out several times, but I was repeatedly and forcefully rejected.

Senator Whitewash: What exactly were you after with these hots?

Ake: I wasn’t exactly sure Senator

Senator Whitewash: Not sure? What do you mean “not sure” you ask this girl out several times and you don't know what you want to get?

Ake: I was in high school. I had never actually seen one of those things before. It’s like being on your first safari. Your target may be elusive and mysterious, but you know it when you see it.

Senator Whitewash: So you had the hots for Ms. McMillian, but she was not open to your advances?

Ake: No senator, I had the hots for her, she had the “colds” for me.

Senator Whitewash: Well if you had the hots and Ms. McMillian was unwilling and unavailable, how did you deal with these hots?

Ake: Really?

Senator Whitewash: Well, we’re all waiting for your answer, Mr. Ake.

(Ake consults with attorney, whisper, whisper)

Ake: I took matters into my own hands, senator.

(Loud rumbles and gasps in the chamber)

Senator Weedly: Order! Order! Order!

Senator Weedly: That concludes this hearing. I’d like to thank you for appearing, Mr. Ake. But I can’t, because this was one of the worst performances by any candidate for any nomination I have ever witnessed. You were truly pathetic Mr. Ake and no one on the committee is going to vote to approve you. Do you have a closing statement?

Ake: Yes, I do.

(Huge gasp and massive rumbles)


Yeh, I didn’t get the job ……

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