Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

True Confessions: I Once Was A Male Model

There is something I need to confess. I want to get this sordid event from my past out in the open before TMZ, Perez Hilton and others report on it and a scandal erupts. A scandal so salacious, it would knock my book off the New York Times Bestseller list.

Okay (deep breath), here’s my confession: At one time in my life, I worked as a male model. My body was displayed on the Internet and my services were offered for sale. But I want to be clear, I need to emphasize: At no point did I work in the nude, and THERE WAS NO MONEY SHOT.

Now I know at this point you think I am making this up, but I assure you I am not. By the end of this post, I will reveal never-before-seen photographs as visual proof. This is not an April Fool’s joke, I am posting this on April 2. This post is unfortunately true.

It all started a little over ten years ago when I saw an article in the newspaper about a new, local company holding auditions for “actors” to serve as spokespeople in commercial promotional videos. It said models of all ages and types were needed.

I never expected to make much money but it sounded like fun. I had no aspirations of “GOING HOLLYWOOOOOOD!” I did have several years of acting experience, playing such diverse roles as Forrest Gump, Elwood Blues, a newborn infant, and an infomercial announcer, in church sketch dramas. And I had served as a hands model (yeh Seinfeld fans) in an instructional video once.

I passed my on-camera audition easily, even though I was distracted by the extreme hotness of the ladies running this agency. The sweat I had to wipe from my brow was not from the bright lights. I then did a professional photo shoot. Now I did have to pay out of pocket for this. I know this sounds like a scam, but it was not. The session was deep-discounted and involved several wardrobe changes. But I needed to emphasize again: At no time was I nude, not even in the dressing room. And even though I did “work it” some for the camera, THERE WAS NO MONEY SHOT. Although those ladies were so stunning that if they had asked me to disrobe, well, ah, let’s forget I even mentioned that.

The photos turned out well. I still use the headshot picture here on my LinkedIn
profile. My favorite are the basketball player shots. I am around age 50 in the pics, but I look like I am still a “playa”. Regardless, when these photos were taken, I was well past my prime. As I told people at the time, “I put the beef in beefcake”.

My photos and my sample video were posted on the firm’s website for anyone who wanted to hire me.  All I had to do is sit back and wait for the offers to pour in. I unexpectedly started to feel the part. I lost some weight for the photo shoot and bought some moisturizer recommended by my friend Jan, a Mary Kay rep. I know moisturizing is not a manly thing to admit, but I had to take care of the “moneymaker”, didn’t I?

But now I had to announce this new venture to my family and friends. I revealed the news to my wife and daughters at dinner. It was met with raucous laughter. When my oldest daughter stopped chuckling, she said, “Dad, all the male models I know of are either hot or gay. And you are not hot!” Likewise, I took quite a bit of ribbing from my friends at work. When I went with the guys to a baseball game, they made me sit in the middle. My friend Mike instructing, “Kevin, you sit on the end in case any women recognize him and try to get too close. I’ll catch any foul balls that come this way because we must protect the moneymaker at all costs.”

Although I told my friends at work about my new adventure, I didn’t make a big deal about it, and ironically this caused a “scandal”. One day, someone on the second floor at work stumbled upon the website and my photo. Suddenly, in true gopher-cubicle fashion, all productive work stopped as everyone was
fixated on my video. I was alerted to this occurrence by my friend Brent who ran downstairs with the news. Yes, my secret life had been revealed and was turning into a scandal.

My fear was that I would have to explain myself to the older, sexually-repressed, woman in HR.

HR Woman: I heard you are moonlighting as a male escort.

Me: No, not an escort. Just promo videos.

HR Woman: Did you do any nudes?

Me: No nudes!

HR:  Woman: I heard there was a moneyshot.


Fortunately, there were no repercussions. Although, I thought some of the woman in the office were trying to undress me with their eyes later that day.
Unfortunately, my life as a male model was unsuccessful. I did not get one gig. The main reason is that I was competing for jobs on the website with a bevy of super-smoking hot, young women who were actual models. I mean, who needs beefy-cake when there is there is some hot …. well you know.

It just would have been so fun to do one video and get paid for it. I don’t care what it was for, I know I could have delivered the key lines in a persuasive professional matter. For example:

For Barbara’s Pet Grooming Salon: “Let Barbara clip your cat, groom your dog, or trim your pussy”

For: Sam Spurgeon’s Septic Sucking Service: “We suck so hard, your septic tank calls to thank us the next morning”

But it was not to be. My career as a male model was boring and uneventful. And to my knowledge, all photos and videos of me in this venture have been removed from the Internet. I’m not sure about the dark web, however. But I am sure that if you would find anything there, I am not nude and THERE WAS NO MONEYSHOT!

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