Last time I provided rules for men on hugging females in
non-sexual situations. Now it’s time to examine the much grayer area of
non-sexual, versus sexual touch. This issue has been vigorously debated due to
the enduring behavior of a newly-declared presidential candidate. However, this
discussion IS NOT POLITICAL in nature. At the end of the post I will present
two simple rules which will bring much needed clarity to this issue.
But
First, A Funny Story From My Past
I almost got fired early at my first office job for
inappropriate contact with a coworker ……
I had only been working there a short time when I was
assigned the task of collecting the purchasing history and prices (it was a
wholesaler) of one of our major products. Now today, you would type the part number
into the computer system, download the data into an Excel file, and email it
off. This would take at most five minutes, depending on spreadsheet formatting.
But this was the early 80’s, so I had to go over to something
called a file cabinet, find the paper files that I needed, go back to my desk
and write down the information on a paper tablet. The project took me over 6
hours to complete! (Six hours versus five minutes? That might be the most
interesting part of this post for many people).
My desk was in the middle of a general work area (I hadn’t
even earned my first cubicle yet!). The file cabinets were along the wall
behind me, about seven feet directly behind my desk. Of course, I soon got tired of walking back
and forth to the file cabinets and learned how to push off my desk and roll my chair
right over to the cabinets. It also helped me not to have to bend over to reach
the bottom drawers. Then I just pushed
off the file cabinets to roll right back to my desk.
Of course, the first couple times I checked to make sure no
one was at the file cabinets, but by afternoon, I just rolled back and forth routinely.
Around 2 p.m., I pushed off my desk, and spun around with my hand extended
ready to grab the drawer handle. However, my coworker Diane was bent over, searching
the bottom drawer of the cabinet for a file. I slammed my foot down (Fred Flintstone
style), my fingers only about an inch from her booty. I gasped, and then quickly
moved the chair back to my desk, where I nearly hyper-ventilated, trying to
recover from the almost-disaster that would have cost me my job.
Now I know what you are thinking. “Don that would have just
been an honest mistake. Everyone would have believed your story and laughed it
off.” Unfortunately, no. This would have
not involved grabbing Big Bertha, or even Aging Alice. No, this was young, smoking-hot Diane. And that
rump was Grade A – prime. Those buns would have won a blue ribbon at the state
fair. Guys, it was “Oh My My-rated”.
If I had in deed hit the target, Diane would have screamed
and everyone in the vicinity would have known. I don’t think a jury of
compassionate nuns would have cleared me. The old, perverted HR manager
probably would have said “Ooooh, what did feel like? Heh, ehhh heh, probably felt real good,
didn’t it? Heh, heh, heh. You’re fired, get out of here!” No one would have
believed I goosed that hooch by accident.
Non-Sexual
Touch
I employ non-sexual touch all the time. Because I joke
around constantly, I need to convey when I am not serious or sometimes to just
emphasize the point I am making. This is accomplished by tapping the person
with the back of my first two
fingers. I routinely touch women (and men) this way when talking. Usually it is
on the forearm or back of the hand. If seated, it may even be on the knee (but never
the thigh and never the bare knee). If I know a woman well, I might put my hand
on her shoulder, but only when offering assurance, removing it as soon as I
stop speaking. And of course, a single encouraging pat on the back is acceptable.
There has only been one instance where this has caused a
problem. I was talking to the wife of a
co-worker at a distance and probably joking around as always do. I then had to
immediately walk past her to get where I was going and I gave her my standard
2-finger tap on her upper arm. I walked a couple more steps, when her husband
stopped me.
“You touched my wife” he said sternly. (And I get that some guys are very protective
of their woman)
I think I just gave him between an apologetic and confused
look, and kept on walking. Of course, what I wanted to say was: “Dude, she
ain’t that good looking! C’mon man.” But I like to keep my teeth in my mouth.
Sexual
Touch
As I mentioned earlier, the debate about what is
appropriate touching initiated by a man, to a woman has been blowing up the
Internet.
 |
| No, no, no,no, no! |
Here is a list (probably incomplete) of the activates this
man has been accused of or videoed doing:
Smelling her hair
Kisses the back of her head
Places and keeps his hands on her shoulders from the back
Then rubs/massages her shoulders
Leans in close to her and nuzzles her neck
Touches/holds/massages her face and neck
Puts hands on her shoulders and whispers in her ear
Grabs her around the waist from behind and holds her
Kisses her forehead
Rubs noses with her
Two
Simple Rules
Are these behaviors sexual-touch or non-sexual touch? Here
is the way to tell.
For Men: If you
would not touch/initiate behavior in this way with another guy, then the touch/behavior
is sexual in nature.
This makes things so clear.
Guys, ever smelled/sniffed another guy’s hair? – Didn’t
think so …..
Last time you cupped another guy’s face in your hands? –
Yeah, right ….
Hand’s around the waist from the back? – Not so much…
Kiss on the forehead?
No, no, no, and nooooooooooooooooooo!
I will admit I have whispered in another guy’s ear, which
frequently happened over the years during business presentations.
Me: (whisper, whisper) Our boss is a real butt-head
Colleague: Yeah, huge butt-head
But at no time did this whispering ever include a
“neck-nuzzle”!
For Women: You are
standing talking to a beautiful, younger woman at an event, when your husband
approaches her from behind, massages her shoulders and kisses her forehead. If
you are the least bit upset at any type of this behavior – It is sexual
touching.
I do know that if I rubbed noses with the chicky-babe in
that situation, my nose would not be good for any function, until a week after
they removed the cast.
So these are my simple rules for non-sexual versus sexual
touch. Once again, I AM NOT MAKING A
POLITICAL statement, judgement, disqualification, endorsement or
condemnation. You political maniacs may
now resume your slicing and dicing and figure it all out!
My work here is done ……
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