Do I Look Like A Felon?

It seems they are repairing all of Akron expressway system at the same time. So, I was disappointed but not surprised to find the entrance ramp near the basketball arena closed one night after the game. The next best ramp is almost three miles south through the city. It’s not the best part of town at night, but it’s not the worst. And there is usually a police presence. But that night, the police were a bit to presency.

I was about a half-mile into my detour when I noticed a police car sitting on the side street to my left. A car went past that intersection, coming towards me. Suddenly, the flashing lights appeared, and the police car moved ahead and began to turn right following that car. I slowed down when the lights flashed. As soon as the police car began to turn right, I returned to normal speed, in what is probably a 35-mph zone.

However, I was startled seconds later when the flashing lights blinded me in my rear-view mirror. I pull over and stop, bewildered by this turn of events. I’m thinking that maybe I have a burned-out headlight or something.  

I lower my window as Officer Dekveed, (I’m being as polite as possible) approached:

Me: Yes, officer?

Officer Dekveed: MY LIGHTS ARE FLASHING. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO STOP. DID YOU SEE MY LIGHTS FLASHING?

(Whoa, this young mid-20s police-kid was out of control)

Me: Yes

Officer Dekveed: THEN WHY DID YOU NOT STOP?

Me: I saw the car go right past you before your lights came on, and I assumed you were stopping that car for some reason. (Keeping my voice calm, even, and respectful)

Officer Dekveed: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THAT IS WRONG!!!!!! WHEN MY LIGHTS ARE FLASHING, YOU STOP, AND YOU STOP NOW!

At this point, I realized this was a serious situation. I had done nothing wrong, yet this police officer was furious with me. I then had to remove all emotion from my face and speech. Do you know how difficult being non-emotive is for me? I’ve written a post on how I naturally smirk when I think something is bull$h!+. And this was a major pile of bull$h!+. I am also very expressive in my speech; it’s woven tightly in my DNA. But from this point forward, every word was delivered robotically with a straight face. I am naturally so expressive that it physically hurts me to show no emotion. And it hurt, it hurt so much!

Officer Dekveed: DO YOU HAVE A VALID DRIVER’S LICENSE?

I gave him my license. He examined it, AND THEN he took it back to the patrol car to investigate me. Yes, he was actually running my license through the system. I did smirk when I imagined him staring at the blank screen, perhaps refreshing it when he saw no points, no priors, no violations, nothing.

But as I waited for him to return, I noted that he was highly sarcastic when asking if I had a “valid” license. It might be the tone you would use when asking that question to a 10-year old. Or perhaps to someone that had caused a 9-car pileup after doing 110 mph. It was strange that he would be so cynical in his attitude.

And then my light came on. He was baiting me. From the moment he approached my car and began berating me, he was trying to elicit a negative response. He wanted me to yell back. He wanted me to argue about stopping when the lights are flashing. He wanted me to lose my cool and say or do something stupid. Then, I guess, he would order me out of the car, and I would be charged with whatever.

But I instinctively did not take the bait. You see, this guy was a good baiter. He kept trying to bait me and he failed. Why? Well, he was trying to bait a baiter. Throughout my business career, I would bait the jack@$$es I worked with into overreacting in a inappropriate, yet humorous way. It’s how I got my kicks. My favorite technique was to ask a question that I (and other people present) already knew the answer to and then try to keep a straight face when the person lied or bull$h!tted when answering.

You see, Officer Dekveed may be a skilled baiter, but I am a master baiter. I am the best master baiter there is! You can’t find a better master baiter than me. And best yet, I can turn into a huge master baiter on a moment's notice. Yep, Officer Dekveed had tried to beat (off) a master baiter at his own game and came up flaccid.

Finally, yes FINALLY, Officer Dekveed returned with my license. It took him long enough. After coming up blank, perhaps he Googled me.

I would have expected Officer Dekveed to have calmed down at some point, but he was abrasive and belligerent the entire time. He treated me like I’m a felon. Do I look like a felon, dressed for a basketball game, out with my wife, and driving an SUV?

And so, the baiting continued …

Officer Dekveed: YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO STOP WHEN YOU SEE THE FLASHING LIGHTS, CORRECT?

Me: Yes

Officer Dekveed: I WANT YOU TO SAY IT NOW! WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?

Me: (In the most robotic voice possible) When I see the flashing lights, I am supposed to stop.

At that, he quickly left and returned to his cruiser.

I noted that he never asked me about anything else. This means there was no reason for him to activate his flashers as I approached. I was driving the speed limit and certainly didn’t look suspicious – I drive a Subaru, for Pete’s sake! Okay, maybe a Subaru in that neighborhood at night is suspect. I so wanted to ask him why he had put on his flashers in the first place, but of course, that’s what he wanted me to do, and I was too much of a master baiter to fall for that trap. If I wanted more evidence that this detainment was totally bogus, he sped away fast – too fast for me to get the cruiser number, unfortunately.

And Now For The Serious Part

I was stopped at night, for no reason, miles from my home. The policeman had a belligerent attitude. Was I scared? Of course, I was. And scared people say stupid stuff and do stupid stuff. And this is what the police officer wanted to happen for some unknown reason, but it didn’t because I was able to keep my composure. Now imagine if I were black. My level of fear would have been off the charts. We suburbanites tend to dismiss those problems because they seldom happen near our homes.

I’m all about “Backing the Blue” but we need to recognize that some police officers do sometimes behave badly, and everyone would benefit, no matter our color, if this behavior can be improved. This is the real reform that is needed to improve our society and should not be political in any way.

I do not want the overzealous young gun who stopped me to be fired. However, I would welcome the opportunity to explain to him why his behavior was improper and the possible adverse outcomes which could occur.

And that’s all I got to say about that ……