Ladies – That’s No Bonus Hole!

I never, ever thought that I would write a blog post about that private part of a woman, her, uh, that uh,  -- well, I am so uncomfortable with the subject that I will call it the V-word, which is much more tasteful, uh, refined than the C-word or the P-word. My aim here is to write a funny, yet classy – okay, as classy as I can get, commentary on this most sensitive, heh heh, subject.

Bloggers Note: If you are easily offended by a traditional view of biology, please stop reading now, or your head will explode later. – Emergency rooms nationwide tend to get upset when I don't include this disclaimer.

Mass Confusion?

We have known what a woman is since the beginning of time. But suddenly, in 2023, we seem to have forgotten. Some of our supposedly wisest people become bugged-eyed and speechless when asked to define a woman.

Because most of us common folk slept through Biology class, we tend not to refer to the XX chromosomes when answering that question. We tend to point to, well not literally, well anymore, the possession of a V-word to define a woman and as a way to differentiate the sexes.

Guys do that because we surely didn’t sleep through Sex-Ed class. There, they showed us a diagram with arrows pointing toward the Netherlands. They never actually showed us a picture of Amsterdam but assured us we would recognize it when we got there. The cruel part is they never instructed us on how to get to Amsterdam because they did not want us running out of the classroom and trying to breach the city walls. Crueler yet, at the same time, the girls were being taught that if a boy got to the Netherlands, they should close the city gate and deny entry, lest the world's population grow uncontrollably.

So even though we were exposed to the V-word, guys preferred using the P-word, because getting some P-word sounds much more exciting than getting some V-word. However, if a girl broke up with us, we called her the C-word because we would not be getting any more P-word.

 

A New Modern Term

But now, in our gender-bender world, there is a new term for that thing: Bonus Hole - and in the spirit of Dave Barry – unfortunately, I am not making this up. The expression was coined a few years ago but has gained traction lately, especially in the U.K. 

I wonder why we need a new word for the V-word when so many others exist, including several P-words. But here is my best guess:

Vern so much wants to be one of the girls, but he doesn’t have a V-word like the other ladies. This makes Vern sad, especially when the women talk about their V-words.

But now Vern, it's a Bonus Hole! You are just like all the other girls. It's just that they have an extra, unnecessary hole – the Bonus Hole! It's just a hole, Vern – a stupid hole. This makes Vern happy – but now complicates that suddenly tricky definition of a woman.

Poking a Hole in the Logic

I learned about this new moniker from a commentary written by a fizzed-off British woman entitled: My vagina is not a 'bonus hole.' In which she eloquently defends her, uh, womanhood – uh V-word. Her conviction about her V-word aroused me – in a purely journalistic fashion. I agree with all her female-based arguments, but I will add some of my own.

Technically, it is not a "bonus hole." Men and women have the same number of holes. The holes are roughly the same size and location except for the female hole in question and the corresponding male hole. The male hole has to be smaller for reproductive purposes than the female hole. Even holes the same size would present problems. Females cannot have a bonus opening if the total number of holes is the same. (Note: If you doubt this and try to count the holes on someone of the opposite sex, it helps if you know them very well).

Secondarily, the term Bonus Hole is blatantly sexist, and now take a moment to consider the source of that statement. If men start viewing the V-word as a Bonus Hole, they will look at it as a mere prize to be obtained. Yes, a prize they have earned as a reward for good behavior! Men will connive and try anything just to get that "bonus." They will lie and make women ridiculous promises just to gain access to that hole. They will focus intently on the Bonus Holes, ignoring all other aspects of womanhood, and lose respect for the total woman. The V-word will be reduced to just a piece of P-word. And it would be horrible if that ever happened. Uh, well, uh - let’s forget I ever made that argument.

Similarly, suppose women look at their V-word as a Bonus Hole. In that case, they will trade this bonus for affection, jewelry, cars, nice clothes etc. They will consider it a bargaining chip or “honey-trap” to get anything they desire. They may even use their Bonus Hole to snare a husband. They could even sell their bonus to men on the street. Once again, we would never, ever want to get to that place. Uh, well, er, why don't we forget this argument also?

Let’s Respect and Value the V-Word 

The V-word is one of the greatest wonders of this world. I speak of it not as a horny teenage boy but as an older man filled with many years of wisdom. The V-word is essential because what goes into it, and what ultimately comes out of it, is how our species thrives and survives.

The V-word is a natural marvel, so complex that you wonder how this thing could ever have "evolved." It must be tight enough to, to, create enough, uh – Let's just say it has to be tight – some would say the tighter the better. But then it must expand to incredible lengths to deliver the goods. After that, it must recover its tightness, but sadly not all of it, to repeat the process all over again.

So ladies, yes, be proud of your V-word, and don't let anyone call it a Bonus Hole! Say it loud, and say it proud! Okay, maybe not so loud. Be a believer in the actual V-word, as I am, just not in the particular blog post.