Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Light Is On, But I Can’t See A Thing!

Jimmy Mc Millan ran for Mayor of New York city in 2010 as a candidate representing “The Rent Is Too Damn High” party.  He became a media sensation when during one debate he responded to every question with the statement, “The Rent Is Too Damn High!”

I admired Jimmy because he was focused, passionate and was trying to solve the problem.   Strangely enough, some economists even agreed with Jimmy claiming that city regulations were in fact inflating rental prices.

I am dedicating this blog to Jimmy because as I write this: The Room Is Too Damn Dark!  Why? Because I have replaced my perfectly good incandescent light bulbs with the new CFL’s (Curly Freakin’ Light bulbs).

CFL’s will soon be in every house in America since high-wattage incandescents will be banned from use in 2012.  CFL’s are 30% more energy efficient and the purpose of the mandate is to conserve energy.

I’m not an electrical engineer, but could the reason the CFL’s use less energy is that they generate considerable less light?  Which of course means:  The Room Is Too Damn Dark!

Also consider this, an incandescent light has a filament in the middle and the light then radiates out on all sides.  This design has worked well for 138 years.  But now the Curly Freaking Light goes around in circles and is actually providing light to the inside the light bulb. I can’t spell MIT, but how can that be very efficient?  Perhaps the light gets tired traveling around in circles inside the CFL so by the time it gets to the end of the maze it loses some luster.  And the result is that: The Room Is Too Damn Dark!

I know that we have to be more energy efficient in order to save the planet and to go green and to make Al Gore happy and because global warming will fry us to blah, blah, blah.  Oh excuse me I sort of fazed out there for a moment because I’m finding it extremely difficult to concentrate on anything.  Why could that be?  It’s because: The Room Is Too Damn Dark!

Hey don’t get me wrong.  I’m all about going green.  I have a personal three-step program to save the environment:

  1. I am striving to burn fewer calories and I’m making great progress especially after buying my new big-screen television. 
  2. I have pledged to create less flatulence.  Studies have shown that cow flatulence is damaging the ozone.  I’m a big guy and my “footprint” is not the part of me that is the carbon hazard.  If this means giving up my bean burrito at Taco Bell in favor of the Chalupa, then so be it.  We all have to make some sacrifices.
  3. I also pledge to blow by Priuses on the highway at only normal "passing” speeds.  I used to “floor” it when going by these things, but I now realize that this could make the driver feel sad for having bought such a crappy car.  So from now on, I will pass at a slower speeds and no more waving either (unless of course it is wheezing in the passing lane).
Now many people mistakenly think the new law is just another wacko idea of the Obama administration, but this was signed into law by George W. Bush in 2007. Yes, this time it is really Bush’s fault. But I have a real problem that a President can sign a stupid bill five years prior to implementation.  If you are going to do something this moronic, you should have to be around to take the heat.  And why is it so moronic?  Because the light may be on, but: The Room Is Too Damn Dark!

I think people will respond to the new regulation in the traditional American way.  That’s right; they are going to use the Internet to side step the law.  If you can order other contraband on-line, you should be able to order cases of 100-watts.  I would build a big honking light bulb factory 10 miles inside of Mexico and get me a high-class website.  Maybe call it ThomasEdison.com.

Also my friend Cheech might start selling incandescents out of the back of his van.  “You need some more lumens man?  I can light up your life like Debbie Boone, man. I’m a miracle worker. You were blind, but now you see!”

Of course if your front room is too bright, you may get a visit from the enviro-police.  I never thought that you could ever get arrested for illegal light bulb use, but just wait.  So you better buy some extra thick shades for your windows.  They should probably also sell those on ThomasEdison.com.  I don’t have any more bright ideas, because:  The Room Is Too Damn Dark!

1 comment:

  1. CFLs are not dimmable, either. I ask you, what could BE more green than dimming the lights when you don't need the full wattage? Oops! Not possible with the CFLs, sorry about that. Sheesh.