Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

No First Cougars Need Apply

Recently a prominent politician decided against running for President due to some past marital difficulties perpetuated by his wife.  Initially I was disappointed because I liked the guy and thought that past issues (happened in the 90’s) should not matter.

However on second thought, it is very important that our President has extreme marital stability.  Our President has way too many other things to manage and worry about.  His marriage needs to be stronger than Gibraltar and run smoother than silk.

This means the First Lady must be very stable and not promiscuous.  We can have no desperate (White) housewives.  I know what you are thinking:  There have been no “hot” First Ladies since Jackie Kennedy (unless you count that vixen Barbara Bush).  However, we live in a culture of second (and third) marriages and trophy wives.  In the last campaign we had Jeri Thompson (Fred’s wife) and Jill Biden (Joe’s lady).  This time there is Callista Gingrich (Newt’s latest squeeze).  As a German guy once said, “Ya, Ya, Ya”.  So it is only a matter of time before there is a certified First Babe.

Now I know you want me to comment on the current First Lady.  I will not go there.  The only thing I will say is that women writers have commented on Michelle’s sexy arms.  Okay, I have never, ever, heard a guy comment on a woman’s arms.  On the list of interesting female body parts, arms fall somewhere below ankles and above chins.  I know that there is a video workout for women who want sexy arms, but ladies I’m telling you that is a waste of time and money.  If arms are your best feature, then that says it all.

And of course there is a double standard.  Bill Clinton proved that you could tend to intern-al affairs and still run the country.  You could even argue that Clinton’s job performance was improved due to stress relief.  In that case, Clinton may have been the least stressed President ever.  Perhaps that’s why he was smiling all the time.  Come to think of it, he’s still smiling.  And he was also the most optimistic President.  No matter how tough a day he had, it often had a happy ending.

But your First Lady has to act like, well a lady first.  Here are some basic rules of conduct that we should expect.  No polishing any heads of state.  No illicit introduction of members of Congress and no exploring the Attorney General’s briefs. She has to remain under control.  This is extremely important because you don’t want the following to happen:

(On the mobile radio)

Secret Service Agent One:  “Raging Cougar is entwined with Pool Boy in the Lincoln Bedroom.”

Secret Service Agent Two: “Confused. I recognize code name Cougar, but Pool Boy does not decode.”

Secret Service Agent One: Not Pool Boy, you idiot.  The pool boy, she’s banging the pool boy!”

Secret Service Agent Two:  “Oh #!*$”

However I’m not sure a guy would be stupid enough to get involved with the wife of the most powerful man on earth.

Secret Service Supervisor:  What did you do with “pool boy”?

Secret Service Agent One:  We boarded him sir.

Secret Service Supervisor: “You water boarded him?!”

Secret Service Agent One: “No sir. Two-by-Four in the Five-Hole.  Pool boy won’t be jumping back in the pool anytime soon.”

And we can’t have this, because when this happens guys tend to hurt people and break things.  We can’t have the President get that enraged.

Newscaster:  “Today it was confirmed that the First Lady was caught “entertaining” the White House pool boy in the Lincoln Bedroom”.

“In a related story, the Afghanistan War ended abruptly today due to the fact that Afghanistan no longer exists.  It is expected that the new hole in the ground will be renamed Af-gone-nistan.”  

So it is a very important requirement that First Ladies remain pure.  In addition I would require that they are not permitted to nag or bitch at their husbands.  The Congress bitches at the President, the commentators bitch at the President, foreign leaders bitch at the President.  That’s too much bitching, so the White House should be a “bitch-free” zone.  Furthermore, the First Lady would not be permitted to complain about her husband to her friends, less the bitching get leaked to the press.

Now I know what you guys are thinking.  The Republican race is wide open and four years of bitch-free living is very attractive (even some Democrats would be willing to run as Republicans to get that). But this is no reason to run for President and it is a much more stressful job since the interns left.

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