Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Good Advice About Taking Advice

Recently my cousin Diane referred to me as the weirdest person in our family.  This gave me pause since that side of the family is a rather peculiar bunch (it comes as no surprise to frequent readers that my DNA is a bit twisted).  When we were kids, we would often dismiss criticism by saying “consider the source” meaning the person was too stupid to be speaking the truth.  However in this case, a weird person was calling me weird.  So perhaps there was some truth to Diane’s observation.  In considering this concept, I came up with a couple examples.

I had read about Miley Cyrus’ bizarre performance at the Video Music Awards in August.  I didn’t really think it was a big deal until Lady Gaga spoke out and said it was distasteful and had gone too far.  Now when Lady Gaga says that you are acting too slutty, you probably need to dial back the slutiness a few degrees.  Of course after hearing this I had to watch a video clip of in question.

No longer the slutiest  chic around!
Yeah, it’s one of those things that you click on and then you wish you never did.  And it’s like a train wreck, once you start watching, you keep watching because it is so shocking.  I now know what twerking is and really wish I didn’t.  I will say I have taken a “no twerking” pledge as a way to foster a more civil society.  And I am sad that Hanna Montana has turned into Imaho Idaho.

Then there was the time at work when a former boss (let’s call him, ah I don’t know, errr, “Joe”) burst into a meeting late and declared, “Oh that Ted Wilson over at Blair Corp is an arrogant jerk!”  I looked across the table at my co-worker Walt and we both had the same stunned reaction.  First of all, we were amazed that Joe had any understanding of the concept of arrogance since he had to buy his enormous hats on-line at the “Big and Boastful” store. And second, we hoped we never, ever, met Ted Wilson because if Joe thinks this guy is an arrogant jerk, then Ted should be locked up or maybe just shot in the head.

So I think I’m on to something here and I’ve developed these rules to guide you in responding to certain criticism you may receive:

-          If New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says you are too fat, it’s time to eat more salads.
-          If Hugh Hefner says your girlfriend is too young, it’s time to get a “later-model” (and you might want to get a lawyer)
-          If Jennifer Lopez says your butt is too big, then you might want to start exercising those glutes.  The same thing applies to Sir Mix-A-Lot and I cannot lie.
-          If Lindsay Lohan says you need to sober up, it’s time for some serious rehab.  But don’t go with her!
-          If Kim Kardashian says you are a media attention whore, it’s time to lower your profile.
-          If a fashion model says that you’re too thin, it’s time to eat a sandwich and a big one at that.
-          If former Chicago Mayor Rod Blagojevich says you swear too much, then you better clean up your m!*%!* f*$*!*# mouth!
-          If Anthony Weiner says your tweets are too explicit, it’s time to close your Twitter account – and yes, get a lawyer, and a good one at that.
-          If Donald Trump says you are too egotistical, it’s time to get some humility
-          If Taylor Swift says you’ve had too many boyfriends, then it’s time to be more selective.
-          If Tiger Woods says you are “dating” too many women at the same time, then it’s time to find a hot Olympic skier to canoodle with.
-          If Danica Patrick says you drive too fast, then it’s time to back off the accelerator. (If this happened to me of course, I would ask her to give me private driving lessons).
-          If O.J. Simpson says you should treat your ex-wife better, it’s time to lighten up.
-          If Pamela Anderson says that you are showing too much cleavage, it’s time to raise your neckline.
-          If Joan Rivers criticizes your plastic surgery, it’s time for a redo.
-          If Charlie Sheen says you have a bad temper, it’s time to go to anger management class. (but again, not with him!)
-          If your cheap brother-in-law says you are too frugal, it’s time to spend more money
-          If your friend “Chatty Kathy” says you talk too much, it’s time to work on your listening skills.
-          If a cow tells you you’re stinking up the bathroom, it’s time to improve your gastric flora. (That’s what the cow says) 

So am I going to dial down the weirdness?  Am I going to start acting more “conventional”?  Am I going to abandon my philosophy that “I’m normal, it’s everyone else who’s all messed up”?  Well, I always thought that would take care of itself when I finally matured.  The only problem is that I’m running out of time.

1 comment:

  1. and you think I am a weird person ? ... LMAO!!!

    ReplyDelete