Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, August 10, 2015

Women Go “Nuts” Over Me

The first thing I noticed after finding my seat, were the three stunningly beautiful flight attendants on the plane.  I had to check my calendar and make sure I was still in 2015 and had not time travelled back to the 1980’s.

For those who are too young to remember, all stewardesses, as they were called then, were young and babelicious in the 80’s.  In fact, it was a requirement for the job.  But then job discrimination laws came into play and the airlines had to drop that requirement.

First they hired attractive older women.  Then it was any woman, then males, and finally even straight males. Now, anything goes.  I was on a flight earlier this year with the largest flight attendant I had ever saw.  She was a large woman, so large she had problems moving through the aisle sideways.  If there was an emergency that required me to slide past her to get off the plane and save my life, I had resolved that I was going to die.  She had a backside that Sir Mix-A-Lot would enjoy and I got to experience it up close and personal when she leaned over to talk with someone seated across the aisle.  If this encounter had happened in another venue, I would have been expected to tip her a dollar. 

But Whoaaaa Nelly, was this flight going to be different than that one. Three outstanding babes! Wooohooo, sis boom bah, schwing, homina , homina, oh baby!  Blonde, brunette and black-haired beauties,  it’s a trifecta baby!
However there would be flirting with these flight attendants, there would be no ogling; there would be no leering, no staring. I would be careful to not even make eye contact.  I would be on my best behavior (Yes I have a best behavior; it not that good, but it’s the best I got).  Because as luck would have it, this wasn’t a business trip.  I was traveling on vacation and my lovely wife was seated very close next to me.

Now it was going to be easy for me not to flirt with them.  I mean it’s just not in my nature to act that way.  I find this behavior unacceptable, unprofessional, and demeaning to women. That’s why I have never engaged in this conduct in my entire business career.

Okay, unless the woman was smoking hot, then maybe some…. Uh, okay maybe if she was just fairly attractive, just a little….

But if I did flirt, let me assure you that it was classy and very respectful to the women involved.  And if you don’t believe me, just ask any woman that I ever worked with. (Jennifer and Jan if you are reading this and someone asks you about me, it would be great if you could just deny ever knowing me, okay Honeycakes?)

So everything on the plane was going great until it was time for the three babes to pass out the snacks, which consisted of peanuts and pretzels.  I happened to be seated at the end of section where the ladies had divided up the plane for snack distribution.  When the blonde babe got to me, she looked at me apologetically and explained she had run out of pretzels and asked if I would like two bags of peanuts instead.  I smiled and nodded. I was famished and the peanuts are more filling.

When she saw that I liked getting the peanuts, she playfully tossed me two more bags. At that moment the other flight attendants finished distributing their snacks and were standing nearby.  When they saw the blonde tossing me peanuts, they also joined in the fun and started tossing their leftover peanuts in my lap as well.

I felt like a monkey at the zoo and I guess I could have been offended, except I was really hungry and when you have three gorgeous beauties showering you with gifts, you just go with it.  I mean who could possibly have a problem with that?

Well, I will tell you who.  As I sat there with 16 bags on peanuts in my lap, I turned to look at my wife and was met with an icy glare.  “Did you flirt with her?” she inquired bluntly.  I instinctively tossed her a couple bags of peanuts as a peace offering, ridiculously thinking this might appease her and then answered an emphatic, “No”.

“You winked at her, didn’t you?”, she continued.  I then started to explain the pretzel situation, but that was met with the look that every husband gets at times. The look that says: “I’m not buying what you’re selling. It would be best for everyone if you shut up now.”  So I shut up and ate my peanuts.  I thought the peanuts were supposed to be free, but I sure was paying a high price for them.

For some reason it seemed much colder on the plane the rest of the flight.  In fact when we deplaned in Fort Myers it was the chilliest 92 degrees I have ever experienced in my life.  It’s not a good thing when your wife thinks you have the charisma and charm to just wink at a hot woman and she eagerly give up all her goodies to you.

I know people will find this story hard to believe, so as evidence I present the one bag of peanuts remaining after I consumed the rest on that flight and the connector.  The only other evidence I could have obtained would have been to
Oh I got a treat all right!
take a photo of those luscious stewardesses.  Of course that would have been the last photo I would have ever taken in my life.  It would also have been the last photo ever recorded on that iPhone, the iPhone6.  So I decided against a photo.

But this whole incident is just a major misunderstanding.There was no wink!  No winking, no flirting, no nothing!  It is so unfair that even when I try to do well, even when I exhibit exemplary behavior, that circumstance and reputation ruin these efforts. It happens all the time! I’m always innocent!

So for the record: I swear I did not wink at that woman.  I did not engage in a winking relationship with her. I was not making googly eyes at her.  You believe me, don’t you Jennifer? And Jan, you’re with me on this, right?  Jan? , Jan?


  1. Sure Don I believe you.

    I flew Southwest last week and only got the standard 1 bag of peanuts and no ice in my drink.

    Sure I believe you. Wink Wink.

    Jeff S

  2. I would have laughed and eaten the peanuts. Women loved my husband. They would take one look and swoon. It never did any good. He was mine.

  3. Really, really funny! I missed this last month and got caught up today.