Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Saturday, July 25, 2015

I Wear My Speedos To The Beach

There are some very dangerous encounters happening on beaches this summer.  And I’m not referring to shark attacks in North Carolina, no; I’m talking about middle-aged and older men parading around in very skimpy swimwear.  This is figuratively a shark attack for your eyes, and once that image is burned in your brain, it is oh so tough to erase.

What do aging guys do this?  It serves the same purpose as sports cars, gold chains, too much cologne and toupees (some losers even shave their heads), it is a feeble attempt to prove to the female species that you still have something desirable to offer – “You’ve still got it”

Unfortunately you have to fish with the bait you have, not with the bait you want, or think you have.  But these guys are not master baiters (well maybe they are) however they are making a statement: I’m still relevant as a man, so I’m putting my manhood out on fully display!

However, these men strutting on the beach look so confident and liberated I thought it might be fun to try it myself.  So I ordered some Speedos before my vacation trip to Sanibel Island.  I was shaking as I opened
My new Speedos have arrived!
package. I tried on my new Speedos and the fit was skin tight and they looked really good on me.

So I wore my Speedos on the beach and I wrote a little poem to commemorate the occasion. (Exclusive, revealing photo at the end of the post!)

I Wear My Speedos To The Beach

I wear my Speedos to the beach
Then I hear the women screech
I wear my Speedos to the beach

I wear my Speedos in the sun
Please rub some lotion on my bun
I wear my Speedos in the sun

I wear my Speedos by the pool
So all the ladies see my tool
I wear my Speedos to the pool

I wear my Speedos when I strut
And wiggle my impressive butt
I wear my Speedos when I strut

I wear my Speedos to the track
Move so fast they're up my crack
I wear my Speedos to the track

I wear my Speedos when I can
Cause I'm such a sexy man
I wear my Speedos when I can

I wear my Speedos in the sand
Scratch myself with either hand
I wear my Speedos in the sand

I wear my Speedos in the heat
Showing off the Grade-A meat
I wear my Speedos in the heat

I wear my Speedos everywhere
If you're offended, I don't care
I where my Speedos everywhere

I wear my Speedos by the sea
So those chicks can ogle me
I wear my Speedos by the sea

I wear my Speedos when I jam
Makes them hunger for some ham
I wear my Speedos when I jam

I wear my Speedos in the light
It fits my body oh so tight
I wear my Speedos in the light

I where my Speedos every place
It is never a disgrace
I wear my Speedos every place

I wear my Speedos cause I'm hot
Cause maybe I still have a shot
I wear my Speedos cause I'm hot

I wear my Speedos to the park
Love to make those bitches bark
I wear my Speedos to the park

I wear my Speedos when I rock
So everyone can see my cockatoo
I wear my Speedos when I rock

I wear my Speedos to the beach
But keep my beefcake out of reach
Yes, I wear my Speedos to the beach

And yes I did wear my Speedos to the beach!

MY NEW SPEEDOS BRAND WATER SHOES

And here is the photo I promised!





Don't stare at it too long ladies, because those ankles are very sexy, no?

(I’m very sorry Margo, I know you were expecting so much more)

With apologies to Dr. Seuss.  If I could find someone to illustrate this poem, I could have my second book. And then follow it up with: One Thong, Two Thong, Red Thong, Blue Thong.

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