Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, July 6, 2015

Mosquitoes Want The Authority To Suck Your Blood (RUU)

I immediately noticed a very alarming and disturbing sign posted along the road near my home.  Apparently the mosquitoes have banded together to form something called the “Mosquito Authority”.  There is no way that mosquitoes should have any authority over anything.  I’m guessing they are claiming they have the right to suck our blood.  This is “animal rights” run amok.

Also extremely troubling is the fact that the mosquitoes have developed an actual website to promote their cause. Who knew mosquitoes were so tech savvy? The website is unashamedly called bugsbite.com !  Bugs bite? No $h!+ Sherlock.  This gives the impression the mosquitoes are very proud of themselves and is a blatant attempt to justify and normalize such wanton activity.  I would access the site but I’m afraid my computer my get encephalitis.  

Now I know that any schmuck can have a website these days (as donake.net clearly illustrates), but this site enables the mosquitoes to communicate and plan strategy with other radicalized mosquitoes around the world. They can trade biting techniques and get-away methods.  It also allows them to raise money to pay their attorneys.  And you know they have blood-sucking lawyers, like the ones doing TV advertising TV at 2 a.m.

Mosquito logging on to bugsbite.com
If they have a website, they no doubt have a Facebook page where they and their friends can collect millions of “likes”.  They can post photos of their conquests and comments: “Had some good Italian tonight” (under a photo of a guy named Luigi) and they can also post maps where humans have gathered for cookouts.

Well I just want to go on record of saying that I do not respect this so called “mosquito authority”. You do not have a right to bite me; you do not have the right to suck my blood.  Furthermore, if you try to exert your authority, be warned, I will take action against you. I will swat you hard with the intention to kill you.  I will swat you viciously and I will swat you all repeatedly until you are all dead.

In addition, if necessary I will utilize chemical weapons to defeat you.  I realize President Obama opposes the use of chemical weapons, but believe me; I will use all repellents and insecticides at my disposal to stop and destroy you.  If the President threatens me with economic sanctions, so be it.

So mosquitoes, you may claim you have authority over me, but I in fact have authority over you and you must respect it! So just try me you blood-sucking bitches! Just try me! You’ll be sorry you did.   

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