Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, October 12, 2015

Get A Flu Shot This Year Or Get Screwed

It’s autumn! Time for colorful leaves, football, and of course, getting your flu shot. Every year at this time we are told we must get a flu shot. We are told this by people saying “We are competent, scientific, medical scientists, educated in science, so we know what we are talking about. You must get the flu shot or you will get sick, very sick.  If you get the flu, substances will shoot
out your bodily orifices in colors you never imagined possible. So get a flu shot, get it right now! ”

We are also told the flu shot is extremely effective in preventing the flu, because these scientists have carefully selected the targeted viruses for this year’s vaccine using the most intelligent, supreme, computer models available.  They of course cannot reveal the details of this process without having to kill you, but if you really want to know what it is, it has been posted online by Chinese hackers.

So last year, I dutifully headed this warning and drove 12 miles, filled out paperwork, stood in line, and had a needle poked in my arm by a nurse who wasn’t even “hot”.  And then in February I ended up getting a bad case of the flu.

It seems last year’s flu vaccine was not at all effective, because it had targeted the wrong viruses.  The Center for Disease Control was forced to admit its “sophisticated computer model” was really a guy named “Phil” who sits over there in the corner, and that Phil had in fact “guessed wrong”.

They then put out a statement which read:

“Our bad, we could have guessed wrong or maybe the virus just mutated.  We’re not really sure.  We did say you would get real sick if you were infected by the flu virus, and we were right about that. So we do know what we are talking about.  If you get the flu, please try to refrain from dying because that makes us look bad, oh so bad, and stupid.  And remember, we use science, lots of science.”

So after last year debacle, I was very interested in the flu viruses chosen to be included in this year’s vaccine. The first one is called “A California”.  I think a California-type virus doesn’t sound too bad at all.  It is probably a laid-back, hippie-type virus which lacks focus and commitment.  It would rather be hanging out at the beach catching some waves, than causing disruptions in your body.  When confronted by your immune system, it would say “Dude, okay I leaving now. Stop attacking me bro”

The second virus included in this year’s vaccine is the A Switzerland.  This would seem like a gentle, peaceful, virus which might cause a very mild case of the flu.  You could not imagine a Swiss flu causing a war in your intestines. And when confronted by your antibodies, this virus would quickly sign a peace treaty and leave you alone.

However, the third virus targeted by this year’s vaccine is cause for extreme concern.  It is the dreaded B Phuket virus (this is the real name of it – this is true).  I fear that if you contract the B Phuket virus, you will literally be Phuked.  Rest assured, this is a virus with an attitude, a bad-ass attitude, and it isn’t going to care how bad it makes you feel.

The B Phuket is going to rage through your body like a madman.  You are going to get ill, very ill. You are going to feel Phuking awful. You are going to want it to Phuking stop. This virus is going to travel throughout your body shouting Phuket, Phuket, Phuket all!  You will run a dangerously high fever, because the virus is going to make you Phuking hot.

And a virus with an extreme, bad-ass attitude is guaranteed to literally give you a bad ass.  It will produce a nasty case of the Phuking shitz.  Your colon will soon catch fire and explode like fireworks on the Fourth of July.    It will be a Phuking awesome display as flames and smoke pour out of your backside. The air will be thick and the odor Phuking intense.  Your neighbors will call the EPA about an unknown toxic substance in the air. Your can of Glade will be cowering in the back corner of your closet. Your intestines will be Phuked up, yes they will.

Your immune system by itself is no match for a virus with an attitude this horrid.  When your antibodies show up to confront it, it will shout “Phuk you! I’m the Phuking Phuket virus and I’m telling you to Phuk off right now. Phuket, Phuket, Phuket!” This is going to scare the fizz out of your blood cells, who will take the next yellow river ride out of town.

That’s why I am so alarmed about the Phuket virus. Let me tell you, I want that Phuking flu vaccine and I want it Phuking now!  I am not a medical professional, but I am recommending everyone get the flu shot this year so you don’t get that Phuket virus.  And be sure to remember to tell the nurse you came there so she can Phuket you.  I’m sure she will then be extra gentle with that needle.

I’ve warned you – consider this a public service announcement.

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