Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

2015 – The Year Toe Fungus Played Tennis

I had so many blog post ideas that I couldn’t write about them all.  For the next two posts, here is some best and worst from 2015.

Worst Christmas Card Ever

A few days before Christmas, a hand-addressed envelope arrived. Ah! I thought, another beautiful Christmas card to brighten the season, good tidings sent my way.  But when I opened the envelope, I was sorely disappointed. The card brought no joy, because the card contained no message except the meaningless initials of the company that sent it.

Now the options for a corporate Christmas card are:

Merry Christmas – Of course this is potentially offensive to people who are so anti-Christian that someone bestowing the goodness and blessings of this holiday to them, freak them out so bad their heads explode. And of course you don’t want that.  However, if you are one these unstable people, I better not catch you doing anything at all that has anything to do with Christmas, or I will come over to your house next year and sing carols loudly (and poorly) on your porch until you call the authorities.

Happy Holidays – This is a very safe, inclusive, salutation.  There are many holidays this time of year. Hell, this even includes Boxing Day, for elf’s sake. Just pick your favorite, non-offensive, holiday and be happy about it.

Season’s Greetings – However there may be some people hate all holidays and get offended at everything, so wishing them “collectively” Happy Holidays, just offends them multiple times.  Instead, you can just send them some greetings in this cold, dark, season reason.

Nothing – Other people (perhaps even our competition) are sending you cards now, for reasons which we are totally unaware of and cannot be discussed with anyone.  We too, decided to send you a card also, lest you think unpleasant thoughts about us for not sending something.  But we are terrified of offending you in any way, so here’s is a card that communicates nothing. We sincerely hope, we have fulfilled our card sending responsibility for this year and you will like us, because in no way have we offended you!

So the card says nothing.  And of course any graphic on this card could imply something that might be offensive to someone, so it has 192 snowflakes in neat rows (see photo, this is the back of the card so as not to reveal the
Happy ... Merry .... Oh the heck with it!
sender).  I guess snow could be offensive to those who have to drive through it, but ironically, there is more snow on this card than has fallen in Northeast Ohio this winter. 

So it is the generic card that communicates nothing equally to everyone.  It is the most PC card I have ever received.  This is what happens when you take non-offensive to the maximum degree, you end up with vast nothingness, a culture void of any meaning whatsoever.

But wait just a minute, the card is all-white with no color or diversity and snow implies the Nordic regions which are all – Oh Nooooooooooooooooo!

The Worst Television Commercial

My least favorite television commercial of the year was for a toe fungus medication featuring former tennis great John McEnroe doing commentary on a tennis match between toe fungus and the medication.  I am not making this up.

Let me say this: If your toe fungus has progressed to such a point that it can play tennis, it’s too late. You are going to die; no amount of toe fungus medicine can help you at this point.

Likewise, if you are John McEnroe, and your career has reached a point when you are doing tennis commentary in a commercial for toe fungus medication, your career as a celebrity has died.  Time to retire and play some shuffleboard.  “That puck is out! ARE YOU SERIOUS? It’s not on the line, it’s clearly out! I can’t believe you think you deserve any points!”  Okay, maybe not.

Second Worst Television Commercial

This one features singer Blake Shelton picking up a pair of his underwear from the dry cleaners. I have no idea how someone craps themselves so badly that they have to have their shorts. Okay, so maybe I do know. But in those cases, the shorts get thrown out, or burned in the backyard if the landfill refuses to take them.

Therefore, maybe what the commercial is really saying is this underwear is so special that you if soil it severely, you will pay for dry cleaning instead of discarding it.   Me, I would be too embarrassed for the dry cleaner people to view my artwork (especially if it was a hot chick), but apparently Blake doesn’t have a problem with that.

Worst News Story

The most disturbing news item of the year involved a New Mexico man who ate his mother’s posole without her permission.  What’s our society coming to when stuff like this is reported on the Internet.  I know many guys like posole, especially hot, spicy, posole.  Some guys don’t get enough posole and good posole is hard to find.  But this type of behavior is never justified.   This guy should have showed more self-control and eaten some other type of stew, although I do admit that posole is very tangy stuff.

Best Bizarre Conversation

I was telling a writer’s group about my plans to write a blog post involving Chinese strippers and made a disparaging remark about those ladies.  A guy I had just met took exception to my statement.  It seems he has traveled extensively in the military and thereby considers himself an authority on strippers around the world.

Guy:  I have found Chinese strippers to be very enjoyable

Me: From the photos on the news story, they look to be lacking certain “qualities”.

Guy: Wait, are you talking about Chinese strippers on the mainland?

Me: Yes, communist Chinese strippers

Guy: Okay then, I don’t have any experience with those women.

Please buy my new humor book - Just Make Me A Sammich  http://donake.net/just-make-me-a-sammich-book

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