Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Eating Hot Pockets Can Save Your Life

Recently a small, private, plane crashed in my hometown of Akron, killing all the passengers and destroying a small apartment complex.  While this is indeed a tragedy, it is out of these awful events that we are inspired by uplifting stories and gain insights to eternal truths.

The only good thing we can garner from this disaster, is that no one perished in the apartment building on the ground. But someone, could have, should have, been there, but was saved by a wondrous turn of fate.  There was this guy who was on his way home to that very apartment building.  But he stopped at a discount store to buy something to take home for dinner and in doing so, arrived home just minutes after the fateful crash.  

If he had not stopped to buy some Hot Pockets, he would have been burned to ashes in a diesel-fueled inferno, that was as hot as, as hot as …. What can I compare it to? Oh yeah. It’s was as hot as a Hot Pocket, fresh from the microwave.

And of course it takes much longer to buy Hot Pockets than it does, say a pre-made sammich, because you have so many delicious Hot Pocket varieties.  In addition, the guy also selected some delectable breakfast Hot Pockets for the following morning.  This extended Hot Pocket purchase decision delayed his arrival just long enough to escape his date with death.

I think the obvious lesson learned from this very inspirational story is this:  

Eating Hot Pockets Can Save Your Life!

They are a miracle food with astonishing powers.

It’s a mericle.  It a mericle, I tell you. A full blown microwavable mericle!

Sing if for me children, sing it for me! 

(you know the jingle; I know you do! Now just image some harps giving it a more celestial feel)

♫Hot Pockets♫

Hot Pockets have been ridiculed by comedians, detested by nutritionists and shunned by so called “healthy eaters”, but now there is undeniable, indisputable, evidence that eating Hot Pockets saves lives.  I hope all you Hot Pocket “haters” out there are now feeling some serious shame.

Sing it for me children, sing it for me!

♫Hot Pockets♫ ♫Hot Pockets♫ ♫Hot Poc------kets♫

I always knew the criticism of the nutritional value of Hot Pockets was bogus.  There is absolutely no reason not to enjoy this treat because they are an extremely healthy, low-calorie, gluten-free, cholesterol-free, fat-free, cage-free food.  This is because the stuff never stays in your body long enough to be a problem.  Once the Hot Pocket hits your digestive system, it is on a “fast-track” out of town.

I believe Hot Pockets were originally called Lava Pockets when a sadist developed a way to heat food to the temperature of molten lava in a microwave by using a “magical sleeve”.   Happily, he offered the new creation to his boss who took a big bite and screamed, “Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrh daaaaaaaas hooooooooooot!, but tasty”.   The name was soon changed to Hot Pockets and they have been severely burning tongues ever since.

(Note: I was familiar with the term “Hot Pockets” before the food was even invented because that was the nickname we gave Barbara Manjenski in high school. We called her that because she had a nice … um, …. because her jeans fit ah, …. well you get the idea)

Now you would never put molten lava in your mouth, yet you will take a big bite of a Hot Pocket and then scream, “Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrh daaaaaaaas hooooooooooot!” It doesn’t really matter what the thing tastes like after that. Your taste buds have been burned beyond recognition. It will take a full day for your tongue to heal. But the incredible thing is, you do it over and over again.  And it’s your own fault, doesn’t the very name of the food tell you that it is indeed “hot”? It’s a Hot Pocket – it’s hot, you idiot!  But it doesn’t matter, it’s like a prank you keep falling for repeatedly even though you should know better.

In that way, Hot Pockets are like that woman or man from your past who you knew was bad for you, who burned you romantically over and over again. Yet they were so hot, that you couldn’t resist taking just one more bite (I guess I need to explain that I am using “bite” here in the figurative, not literal, sense and you are disgusting for even thinking otherwise) and ended up burnt to a crisp again.

However, the most important thing to remember from all of this, is that eating Hot Pockets are good for you because they can save your life.  So if you are driving home and you are craving a molten-hot Hot Pocket, by all means stop immediately and get some. Lest you return home too soon and suffer a fiery death when a plane crashes into your house.  They are indeed a miracle food.

Now are you feeling inspired children? I know I am feeling inspired – and hungry. And not hungry for a sammich, hungry for some Hot Pockets.  Maybe the scrumptious Philly Steak & Cheese or perhaps the delectable Meatballs & Mozzarella.  I can now eat these guilt-free because I am extending and therefore enriching my life!

It’s a mericle!

Sing it for me children, sing it for me!

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