Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, May 30, 2016

My Spam Folder Is More Interesting Than Real Life

Dos Equis beer recently ended one the most entertaining advertising campaigns ever, when they “retired” The Most Interesting Man in the World by sending him to Mars.  The commercials would start off my showing the guy in various pursuits with statements such as “Exotic birds form clubs to watch him,  - he is the most interesting man in the world.”

However, the most interesting part of the commercials for guys were the endings.  The Man would say “I don’t drink beer often, but when I do, I drink Dos Equis.”  Of course this was a total lie, since every time we see guy, he is in fact drinking beer.  He is a pathetic alcoholic for all we know and may belong in a 12-step program.  But what is really interesting is that he is always sandwiched (or should I say sammiched) between two gorgeous ladies, both   leaning towards him, hanging on his every word. They are so enthralled by his interestingness, they seem eager to jump right on his lap, or perhaps something else.

These women are in their 30’s or younger 40’s, as to not make it too creepy (The Man was in his 60’s when the campaign started and is 70-something now).  And the women aren’t hookers or floozies, they are high-class, exotic, ladies.  You get the idea they came to the bar with dates, but quickly abandoned them to get close to The Man. 

When I saw the first commercial with those gorgeous women hanging all over him, I thought, “Wow, he’s going to have a difficult choice tonight”.  After viewing several of the commercials, all with the different lovely ladies at the end, I realized he is not going to have to choose between the two women. He is The Most Interesting Man in the World, so he never has to. Therefore, he is also “The Most Three-somed Man in the World”.  At his age, he would be a better spokesperson for Viagra than some beer.
Very, very, interesting!

The last line in every spot is: “Stay thirsty my friend”.  This on the surface doesn’t make sense, because if you drink the beer, you shouldn’t be thirsty anymore, correct?  Except he’s not saying exactly what to stay thirsty for, is he?  I can assure you that stuff doesn’t come in a bottle.  So the message to guys is: drink this beer, look interesting to women, and then hubba, hubba, sis boom bah.

The Most Interesting Spammed Man in the World

Now I was thinking how uninteresting I am compared to The Most Interesting Man in the World, until you look at my e-mail spam folder.  Then I become interesting, very interesting. In fact, I become, The Most Interesting Spammed Man in the World!  Just look:

Prancing With The Czars

A beautiful, young, woman, Natalya, is a former Olympic gymnast and descendant from the Czars. She wants to immigrate and marry me so the Russian government will not seize the $3.6 million secret trust fund she will inherit when she turns 25 soon.  She promises to be a very flexible companion.  I will have to check with my wife first, but this does sound interesting ….  

Make Love To All The Girls Near You!

This subject line could get you imprisoned for life, but it is hawking a special cologne which makes you irresistible to any and all women.  They lose all control and literally attack you.  It could be interesting, sure there is my neighbor Hot Carla, but I would be afraid to leave my house with the widow Cooper right next door and Large Linda just down the street.

Mass Quantities of Boner Pills

Word must has gotten out that I was considering making love to all the women near to me, because the Toronto Pharmacy sent me a great offer for boner pills.  They think I would be interested in their 120-pill package, to improve my package.

Many Russian Women Want Me

Other Russian women must have found out about Natalya, because dozens are now vying for my affection.  One young women Inga, promises to CENSORED me repeatedly until I CENSORED. Wow, that would be interesting.

Booty Call!

Eva says she feels horny today and needs someone like me!  This could get interesting!

Five More Boner Pill Offers!

Obviously in response to all this women action, five more offers for boner pills, promising fast shipping!

I’m Due A Refund!

Regrettably, my recent order totaling $571,590 has been cancelled and they need my bank account number to transfer all my refund money.  I must have forgotten about placing that order, but interestingly, I’ll take that cash!

Lonely Asian Girls Are Looking For Boyfriends

I have international appeal now since dozens of Asian women want to be my companion.  It’s like a digital version of The Bachelor – except I am married and these women are much younger than me. These women claim to be wonderful girlfriends and assure me each date will have a happy ending. That would be interesting.

7 More Boner Pill Deals!

Must have heard about all those Asian women ….

A Very Interest Package

UPS has informed me that I have a package for pick up that was sent from Amsterdam.  I don’t remember ordering anything from Amsterdam. Perhaps it was sent by one of my new international friends.  I wonder what is in it!  Sounds like fun! If I just pay shipping charges, the mystery grab bag is all mine. Oh baby, is this interesting.

My Recent Hotel Receipt

An exclusive, $2000/night, resort hotel on an island off the east coast of Africa sent me a copy of my receipt from a recent stay.  I’m interested to see if the room was for two, since my wife was not with me and if I ordered room service for two. Maybe I was with an exotic, Dos Equis-type, babe. Exotically interesting!

A Dying Widow

A widow in Nigeria is dying of cancer and needs someone to inherit the $2.2 million her husband had deposited in a local bank.  She is pleading with me to stand-in as her next of kin.  I may be able to walk like an Egyptian, but it’s going to be difficult to look like a Nigerian, but for the big money, it will be interesting to try!

A Request

Lydia wants me to treat her to my ….. OH MY!  That is certainly an interesting request.


Someone named Rockstar is congratulating me about something – Probably my new book!  Rockstar sounds so interesting!

Indian Woman Want Me As Well

These women want to be my wife, but they emphasize their intelligence over their beauty, since they claim they have expert knowledge of the Kama Sutra. That must be the local community college. They sound interesting.

9 More Boner Pill Offers

Rebuilding Libya

The Libyan Prime Minister has contacted me for help is reconstructing Libya and has requested I submit a quotation of my products and services to the Ministry of Finance. Could be interesting!

An Invitation

Lydia has invited me to a wild sex orgy and has requested that I “put on those lovely navy jeans for me”. I didn’t know you had to dress up for an orgy, but apparently you do for this one. Sounds like an interesting party.

12 More Boner Pill Emails

I need to review these in lieu of Lydia’s recent invitation.

A Tragedy

Someone with my same last name has perished in a plane crash in the Andes. He has no family and they have searched the world diligently for someone with my name to inherit his $4.3 million estate.  I do think Uncle Fred would want me to have this. So interesting.

100% Risky Free

Mrs. Koski in Australia wants to transfer $10.5 million to me to help build an orphanage.  She assures me “this business in 100% risky free”.  She strongly believes in “no trust, no friendship, in every business”. Sure, I’m interested in helping orphans!

Loan Offer

They are offering me $9,800, pre-approved, with 100% acceptance.  Normally this would not be very interesting, except I need to: Pay to bring Natalya here, buy some cologne, secure that package, apply for a refund, date some Asians, contact the African hotel, help that dying widow, learn some Kama Sutra, buy some sexy jeans, apply for my inheritance, care for the orphans, and most importantly, purchase 5,000 boner pills!

(Cue the music) …. I Am The Most Interesting Spammed Man in the World!

Keep reading, my friends.

Please buy my new humor book - Just Make Me A Sammich http://donake.net/just-make-me-a-sammich-book

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