It was the
mid-90’s when I received a letter from my mutual fund company informing me that
I could access information about my account “on-line” through something called
a “website”. I had no idea why I would
ever want to look at account information on my computer, but this concept
sounded intriguing.
So I dialed
up on AOL (if you are under 30, ask someone what this means) and proceeded to
set up an “account”. Then at some point
I was asked to create a “password”, a four-digit code, that would allow me, and
only me, to access my information. I
came up with four numbers I could remember and typed it in. Then suddenly,
almost magically, I felt very sophisticated, debonair, and mysterious. James
Bond has a password, underworld spies have passwords, and now I have one too!
That
afternoon I noticed an attractive blond at the drug store and thought (in a Austin
Power-ish voice):
Hey baby, I have a password. I am now
a very sly, international man of mystery.
If you try to seduce me, I’m sure you can force me to reveal it. Then you will know how many shares I have in
my International Bond Fund. Come on baby, try to get it, please, please try.
So I had one
password and I could remember it --- and so it began …… Soon I was paying bills on-line, each account
requiring a password. Then banking and
other financial accounts, still more passwords.
The beginning of the new millennium brought on-line shopping, each
vendor wanting me to set up a new account, with of course, my own personal
password.
And then things
got even worse. More time spent on-line accessing news sites, organization
sites and social media sites, all requiring accounts --- and passwords. I now
even need a password to order a pizza.
I estimate I
have over 200 online accounts that require a password. But this is not a problem since I use the exact
same password for all of them! Ha,
that’s a joke, but you already knew that, since keeping track of all your
passwords is freaking impossible.
Because the invention
of online accounts began the epic battle between the Bad Bastards and the Good
Bastards. The Bad Bastards are the
computer hackers who want to find out your passwords and commit theft and fraud
and the Good Bastards are the IT people who try to prevent this from
happening. Yes, they are “good” because
they are trying to protect you, but they are still bastards because of how they
go about doing it.
Initially
passwords were 4 numbers, leading millions of idiots to create the password
“1111”, which the hackers nicknamed “ba-ching”.
Then the Good Bastards countered by requiring alpha based
passwords. Then the millions of idiots
started using “password” as their password. “Yuk, yuk, my password is
“password”. Get it? Pretty funny, hee, haw”, to which the hackers said “bada
bing ba-ching!”
And so the
battle between the Bad Bastards and the Good Bastards raged on, with the Good
Bastards making it more difficult for passwords to be hacked and the Bad
Bastards developing more devious methods.
Which lead to the evolution of password “rules”:
(For
example, let’s say you got a tattoo of a cobra in 1988)
Four-digit
numeric password = 1988
Too
vulnerable, so some sites went to …
Six-digit
alpha password = cobras
Then …
Six-digit
password requiring at least one letter or number = cobra1
And then …
Six-digit
password requiring the previous, but one capital letter = Cobra1
Still not
secure enough so ….
Seven-digit
password requiring at least one letter or number = cobra88
Even more
…..
Seven-digit
password requiring a capital letter and symbol = Cobra$1
And so one
…. until you get to the ultimate:
Eight-digit
password requiring a capital letter, a symbol, no letters that form words and
no repeated numbers = Oh, the hell with it, you lousy bastards, you!
(I do
declare that if I ever meet the bastard who is responsible for this rule, I
will kick him square in the nuts, and then laugh hysterically)
Throw in the
recommendations that you should not use the same password for all your
sensitive accounts and that you should change your passwords frequently
(although I doubt if anyone really does it) and you end up with a whole slew of
passwords, many that differ my only one letter, number, or symbol.
Then comes
that special moment when you are asked for a password for a site you haven’t
been on in months. You have no idea if this site requires six, seven or eight
digits, caps, no caps, etc. You have no clue which of the 20 or so passwords
you now have will work on this site. I
believe the Good Bastards get a chuckle out of this.
And then
just to make the game more puzzling we add in the following challenges:
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Enter
the wrong password three times and we lock you out. This is very easy to do based on my examples
above and can be very frustrating when the information you need is critical. It
can cause you to scream vile things at your computer you wouldn’t say to any
person.
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And
just about the time you memorize your password, for “security reasons” they
make you change it ---- but not to something just one number different – oh no,
to something completely different! Bastards, bastards, bastards!
So a
solution is to log all your passwords in a spreadsheet, which is very dangerous
if it’s ever compromised. Of course you could protect the spreadsheet by using
a pass…. oh $h!+, forget that. You can
also pay $30 a year to bastards to manage the password mess created by other
bastards. No, thank you.
Now if you
work in an office, there are even more computer passwords. The IT bastards are even stricter there,
because they can lose their jobs if the system gets hacked. At one former job, I had to enter three
different passwords every morning (and change them frequently) to access the
system. I often wondered if security at the CIA was this tight.
If you want
to fizz off the bastards in your IT department, and I know you do, write down
your password (not your real password, but something close which helps you
remember it) and post it prominently by your computer. Trust me, this really
causes their heads to explode!
But here’s my
idea to make passwords more tolerable. Use the name of your worst boss ever and
create the password “Tedsucks99!” It is
a “strong” password, it is a true statement, and you will smile every time you
type it!
Please buy my new humor book - Just Make Me A Sammich http://donake.net/just-make-me-a-sammich-book
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