Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Do The Mayans Know Something We Don’t?

Does anybody really know what time it is?
Does anybody really care (about time)?

- Chicago 

We all better hope that the answer to the first question is not the Mayans.  If you haven’t heard, there is an ancient Mayan calendar that ends with what is December 21, 2012 on our calendar and that has some people concerned. 

I kept putting writing this blog post off and then I realized that I was running out of time.  Then I realized WE MAY ALL BE LITERALLY RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

Now you may be wondering why I am blogging on this subject since many other writers will be covering this important event.  Well, while vacationing on the Yucatan Peninsula a few years ago, I handed my credit card to my waiter after dinner and he just stood there staring at me in awe.  It turns out that the name “Ake” is a Mayan name.  He said I didn’t look Mayan.  I told him I must be one of the Germanic Mayan.  The name also denotes some type of royalty, so I am the Mayan King.  Hakuna Matada! Hakuna Matada! So once again I have authority (or authoritay!) and you must respect it. 

So, do the Mayan know something we don’t know?  They do know something about calendars. They were good at math and understood the movement and position of the earth, sun and stars. They put this knowledge to use and were obsessed with making calendars.  They had many different calendars and unfortunately none of them included hot Mayan chicks.  If they would have discovered “girls of the month” I’m sure the number of calendars would have been almost endless.  “Look at the moons on Miss Second Era!” The Mayans were more concerned with counting the days rather than actually living them, which may have accounted for their downfall.  
Would have a made a nice "Miss June"

Do we need to be worried about the world ending December 21?  Is there any other evidence?  Junk food junkies and some fat people think the world came to an end when Twinkies recently stopped production.  Some Republicans think the world ended when President Obama won re-election.  And of course the most troubling sign of the apocalypse is that the Kardashians can make millions for simply being well, the Kardashians.

But there are some people, mostly dope-smoking, hippies in California that are genuinely concerned that the world will indeed end in December.  I am just glad that our government is showing such great concern and responsibility by providing a calm, tranquil, environment and is not talking about going over a cliff or any disaster like that.

But I truly believe there is nothing to worry about at all.  What I think happened is that one of the Mayan calendar makers finished the last “sun” cycle which ended with the winter solstice.  Coming to this break point, he stopped to get a drink and take a dump.  He walked into the jungle for some privacy and was killed by a wild animal. 

His teenage son was then supposed to finish the calendar, but preferred chasing hot Mayan girls and eating funny berries instead.  He always told his mother he would finish the calendar “tomorrow”, but he never did.

So instead of worrying about the Mayan calendar on Dec 21, you should harken the words of the prophetess Annie of the Orphanic tribe, who writes:

The yellow sphere will rise high, the next cycle
So ya gotta wait, ‘til that next cycle,
Please just stay
The next cycle, The next cycle,
I love the
Next cycle
It’s just one revolution away 

So I am advising you all to relax and enjoy the day of December 21 unless you are a single guy who is dating a hot Mayan chick (or really any women) who believes that the world is actually ending on that date.  Then you should by all means take the day off because you can’t let this opportunity go to waste. 

However, there will be a December 22, 2012. As it is written, let it be done. The Mayan King has spoken.



  2. Love the "Annie of the Orphanic tribe" thing!

  3. Actually your blog post is already too late! It turns out that the academic who did the concordance used a fancy ivory tower model that in theory was the most accurate method, but in practice was off by two years. Either we've been dead since 2010 or the calendar ended cause they ran out of paper or tablet or bark or whatever the hell they wrote on.

    Tom Fogarty

  4. This 2012 garbage is out of control and silly especially on Bungie.net off topic besides the mayan calender never said anything about the end of world and even the modern-day mayan descendants have said the world will NOT end on the 21st as a keep saying to the toads on Bungie.net off topic.

  5. what utter rubbish this is. see you all december 22nd

  6. Thank you for assuring that the sun will rise tomorrow, oh great Mayan King! And you didn't even have to sacrifice anybody.

  7. Tremendous! Thanks for the laugh O great king!