Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Saturday, December 22, 2012

DEF-initely a Strange Trip to the Mall

I recently made my yearly Christmas shopping trip to the mall.  This gave me a chance to experience the sights, sounds and smells of the season.

On the way to the mall, I saw a big-honking, SUV with an anti-fracking window sticker.  What the frack is going on here?  If you are really concerned about the environment get yourself a fracking Prius. You are either a fracking hypocrite or a fracking idiot, or both!

The Abercrombie & Fitch store was dark with strobe lights and blaring music, like a party where you just happen to buy clothes. I’m sure they have an age restriction, so I didn’t go in. There was also a suffocating smell of men’s body spray emanating from the store. Combine that with the thick perfume smoke pouring out of Macy’s and if you have emphysema, you’re not going to make it out alive. I was surprised that I did not have to step over entwined couples at the point in the mall where these two powerful sexual scents collided. 

There was a new store dedicated entirely to tea.  A woman offered me a sample of their new “Mango-Melon” tea, which almost made me hurl.  I figure most of their customers must be hippies since they sell their tea (which is, of course, ground up leaves) by the ounce, a transaction type hippies are very familiar with. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of these teas are, in fact, “smokeable”. 

The frozen yogurt stand had been replaced by a face and body “threading” salon, so maybe eating all that yogurt caused people to need getting sewn back up.  I have no idea what this threading entails, but it reminds me of Frankenstein. The odd thing is they do the threading right out in the open!  There was a woman getting threaded right in front of me. I watched for a moment but then I started feeling very naughty, so I quickly moved on. 

I went into Macy’s not really to shop, but to see what the well-to-do people (or if you are so politically inclined, the rich, greedy, bastards) will be wearing next year. A large, bad-ass, hat caught my eye because it was stylish and would provide coverage for my large, shaved, head.  However the thing was so big, I would have needed to build a new closet onto my house just to store the thing.  And I would need to buy one of those big-honking SUVs to actually wear it in a vehicle.  
The Underpants Gnomes
The other item that I noticed was a pair of $28, red, boxer shorts that had gnomes on them. This was gnome underwear, not to be confused with the Underpants Gnomes of South Park fame. The Underpants Gnomes sneak into your bedroom at night, steal your underpants, and sell them for “profit”.  I decided that I would not buy these because if the Underpants Gnomes found out you had gnome underpants, they would soon be making a stop at your house for sure.     

My final stop was the calendar kiosk to get a 365-day box calendar for my desk.   There was a large selection, but the one that first caught my attention was definitely my last choice.  It came in an appropriate brown box and is titled: What's Your Poo Telling You? (see graphic). However, I do not want to correspond with my poo on a daily basis.  I do not want to have to think about my poo every day of the year.  Okay, let me rephrase that. I only want to think about it once a day, maybe twice, if I had Mexican.  And I want my poo to remain silent, especially if I am at work. 

Instead, I bought the Urban Dictionary 2013 Calendar, offering definitions of street slang on a daily basis.  This is my attempt to celebrate diversity and stay relevant in an ever changing world.   To say it another way; I want to become more def in the coming year.  Now don’t be alarmed, I don’t want to lose my “hearing” in 2013. No, according to my new calendar, I want to be in 1970’s parlance, “more cool”.  For example: Yo, mah pizzles, I got da hook-up at this def new club. It's suppose ta be off da hizzy".   

I think next year is going to be off da hizzy, indeed. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year readers!



  1. What a great read! So funny and true! I am a young male in my early 20s and I feel the same way about EVERYTHING you say! Crazy!

  2. LOL! So humourous ~ as always . . . and so sad but true ~ as always! Merry Christmas Don! (LouAnn)