Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, December 3, 2012

I Want To "Get Figgy With It" This Christmas

The Christmas celebration has begun, but we are leaving something out of Christmas that is very important.   Something that was once an integral part of the holiday is now missing.  Something that is so essential to the day that if it were reinstated it would transform the culture and make Christmas the joyous occasion it once was. 

Of course I am talking about pudding.  Back in the old days, and by old days I mean the 1500’s, pudding was a key part of Christmas.  As evidence I present the Christmas carol “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” verses two and three are as follows: 

Now, bring us some figgy pudding;
Now, bring us some figgy pudding;
Now, bring us some figgy pudding and bring some out here

We won't go until we get some;
We won't go until we get some;
We won't go until we get some, so bring some out here

You notice that these people are demanding, not politely asking, for figgy pudding.  And this is not negotiable, because they won’t leave until “we get some” (which interestingly is Lounge Lizard Larry’s strategy at the single’s bar on a Saturday night).  These guys in the 1500’s were getting “figgy” with it. 

And old recipes for Christmas pudding have been passed down (maybe on ancient, sacred, scrolls) from the pudding makers of yore.  From these nearly medieval manuscripts we find that pudding masters would combine the most expensive, delicious, ingredients into a holiday delicacy.  But over the years, the significance of pudding at Christmastime has faded into oblivion.
Delicious Christmas Pudding

And what Christmas traditions have replaced the pudding?  Consider these:

Bargain Campers

These morons camp out for four days so they can be first in line to get cheap stuff at the electronics store.  Hey idiots, consider this: if your time is of such little worth that you can waste four days “camping” on concrete, you don’t need a new big-screen TV, you need a new life! And you can’t buy one in that store!

Brawling Shoppers 

Have you seen the video of the guys wailing on each other at the Victoria Secret store on Black Friday?  Nothing says Merry Christmas like a punch in the face.  When men are fighting over women’s panties and there is no actual woman in those panties, there is something seriously wrong.

Gift Cards 

Giving a gift card means that I did not take the time to try to figure out what you might want or need as a gift.  Neither did I make the effort to drive to the store, make a selection, and stand in line to pay for it.  No, here’s a cheap piece of plastic.  Now you go and buy your own #!*$ gift!   Merry freaking Christmas!

Lame Christmas Music 

There has not been a new, good, Christmas song written in years.  This causes radio stations to play Mariah Carey’s “All I Need For Christmas Is You” fifty times every day in December.  Overexposure to this song is the number one cause of people tossing their Christmas cookies.  No, we desperately need some new songs and those songs should all be about the joy of eating Christmas pudding.  
The Solution 

All this crap has sucked all the real joy right out of Christmas.  The best way to put the joy back in, is pudding because there are few greater joys in life than eating delicious homemade pudding.  Instead of loading up our credit cards with enough debt to last us to August, we should load up our bellies with scrumptious Christmas pudding made from the finest ingredients available.  We should all make pudding and then invite our neighbors and friends over to enjoy it.  This would make Christmas a special time once more. 

Putting pudding back in Christmas would revolutionize the holiday.  I believe even atheists would celebrate Christmas if it involved several days of pudding eating.  Heck we may pick up a few Jews and Hindus too.

So people, let’s get figgy with it once again and start putting pudding back in Christmas (and do it right here!).  And while you’re at it, don’t scrimp on the good tidings.

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