I actually made a New Year’s resolution for 2014. I think this concept is futile because you
usually break your vow within a month and once broken this can actually give
you license to totally ignore the bad behavior.
This means your bad habit can actually get worse that year because you
were stupid enough to make the resolution.
But I made a resolution not to get “fizzed off” (to not explosively
lose my temper) this year. You might
think this would be very easy, but remember I wrote a whole blog post about all
about getting fizzed off repeatedly in the year 2012. And “fizzed off” might be an understatement
because it is more like a nuclear meltdown, or nuclear fission, so maybe “fissed
off” is a better term.
I didn’t get fizzed off much in 2013 and my new job is
much less stressful, so I thought this was a worthy goal. And achieving this would be beneficial for my
family and even for my health, since getting fizzed off causes my blood
pressure to spike to impressively high readings. It can take hours for it to return to normal
after a good fizz off.
In early November I realized I had kept my resolution and
it’s not like I did not have reasons to fizzed off. My brand new neighbor flipped me the bird
when he was moving in because I did something he didn’t like (of course I was totally
innocent). Some doufus rear-ended me by driving like a yahoo on the Tampa
expressway, nearly causing me to miss my flight back from vacation. And various other morons did things that
could have been “fizz worthy”.
But I did not fizz. My resolve held firm. As a defense mechanism I even began literally
laughing in people’s faces when they did or said something that could have
fizzed me off. Of course this probably
fizzed them off, but then they started it, right?
So I was very proud of myself. Of course I planned to write a blog post on
how I was able to keep my resolution for 2014.
I would write about my personal strength, my great resolve, my superior
self-control, my dignified composure. Perhaps the Pope would read about my righteousness
and make me a saint. I mean I’m not Catholic, but how would he be able to
ignore such greatness.
And then it started so innocently …
I called the Wall Street Journal to cancel my $300
digital subscription. I had subscribed
for my job, but had only used it a handful of times all year. I had been watching for a renewal notice, but
to my surprise I never got one.
However, I did notice the subscription had been conveniently automatically renewed on
my credit card statement. What great
customer service! They did all the work to seamlessly continue my subscription
without even sending me an email notification. No need to
clutter up my in box with more emails!
I explained to customer service representative Gina what
I wanted to do, but I could tell she was concerned and disappointed that it was
over between us, that I would no longer have access to what she could give
me. I was now being exposed to their
customer retention program and she was not going to let me go without a fight.
She started asking me questions about what information I
used and what I used it for. I started
to become mildly irritated when the call started taking longer than I
anticipated. I became further irritated
when she asked what sources I would now use for the information I needed. When I told her Reuters (one of the largest
news companies in the world) and Economy.com (a WSJ major competitor), Gina
replied “Oh I’ve never heard of them”.
So she was either very stupid, or lying to me, either of which made me
want to end the call soon.
She was wasting my time because there was absolutely no
chance that I was going to renew. If she
drove to my city and made mad, passionate, love to me, I was still going to
cancel. I know some guys will say, “But
what is she was smokin’ hot”? For the sake of argument, let’s just assume she was
not.
She then pointed out the subscription had just been
renewed, which of course promoted me to express my displeasure (still very composed)
about their renewal process. This
promoted her to argue with me and defend that process. And this led us to a point where I realized
that Gina was not the pleasant, helpful, customer service representative that I
was led to believe. She was an evil,
conniving, bitch.
The call ended with me literally screaming into the
phone:
CANCEL IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CANCEL IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JUST CANCEL IT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gina: okay it’s cancelled
 |
| Fizzed Off or Fissed Off? |
(click)
They said at the beginning that the call may be recorded
for quality purposes and I hope to hell it was.
They could use it in training classes as an example of what not to do,
but I expect the students would all break out in laughter at the point where I got fizzed
off. If the recording ever leaks out, it
will surely go viral. I have already
contacted Edward Snowden and North Korea to see if they can get me a copy of
the recording.
Unfortunately, my body did not react well to the first
fizzed off meltdown in a long time. I
tried to tell myself that it was fruitless to get so upset over an
insignificant phone call. But it was too
late; I could not put the toothpaste back in the tube. And in this this case, the toothpaste had
been projected all over the wall and some even hung from the ceiling. Four hours later my blood pressure still had
not returned to normal. Did I mention
that Gina is a bitch?
I will not be making any New Year’s resolutions this
year. Go ahead and make some of your own
if you wish.
Happy New Year to all my readers, and here’s to a
laughter filled 2015.
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