Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

I Am Now Identifying As A Japanese-Mayan (RUU)

Michael Jackson used to sing “It don’t matter if you’re black or white”.  This has to be the most hypocritical song ever, since it had to mean a great deal to Jackson. He spent a ton of money and went through a lot of pain to make his transformation. Now everybody is worked up over a woman who tried to pull off a reverse-Jackson.  This is a case where it is literally “black and white” and thus complicated as all get out.

I don’t have a problem with her appearance but she was an official in the National Association for the Advancement of COLORED People.  Not the National Association for the Advancement  of White People Who Would Like to Be Colored People.  Hey you can be a leader in the NAAWPWWLBCP if you want; I just don’t see you getting much traction, or money, out of that gig.  And the name doesn’t even fit on a T-shirt.

This woman claims she identifies as a black person.  Now you may laugh at racial identity issues, but I have personally experienced issues with this.

Years ago, I received a credit card application encouraging me to “Celebrate (my) Japanese-American Heritage With The Prestige of Visa Platinum.  The letter began: “As one who takes great pride in your ancestry, you’ll be pleased to know that you can now show that pride with the  Japanese-American Heritage Platinum Visa card.”  A card that “celebrates the pride and traditions of your Japanese-American Heritage”.  And when I use the card, “I honor my cherished ancestry” (oh boy!).  The card features a map of Japan and an image of Mt. Fuji.

Of course the credit card company did a data sort of three-letter last names that begin and end with vowels, and bingo! I’m Japanese.  I showed the letter off at work and my friend Kurt referred to me as Aw-key-sun for the next two weeks and would bow when I passed.

The next incident, which I have written about before, was when a waiter in Cancun thought I was Mayan.  Again it was the weird last name that caused the confusion.

But now with all this racial identity stuff in the news I am now ready to embrace my Japanese -Mayan heritage. From now on I will identify as a Japanese Mayan. The Japanese are very smart and the Mayans were good writers, so you cannot dispute my identity. If you try, you are a bigot in the worst degree.

As a Japanese, I will expect to receive discounts and preferred seating at all hibachi restaurants. As a Mayan, I will expect great sympathy from everyone since my people have perished and have no home.  And if there are any hot Mayan chicks out there who are interested in trying to repopulate our race, that’s a cause I will enthusiastically support.   


  1. For my racial identity, i choose to be a Vulcan since I esteem logic over emotion as I process the world around me.