Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, June 8, 2015

Just Say No To Going Commando (RUU)

Cottonelle has introduced a new bathroom tissue with unique ripples which promises a cleaner and more confident “wiping” experience.  So clean and confident, that an Internet commercial encourages users of this new wonderful paper to “Go Commando”.

Of course it is very dangerous and irresponsible for Cottonelle to promote this activity to everyone.  Obviously this promotion should have had an “age limit” such as: Not recommended for people 50 years of age or older.  Cottonelle has made a rash decision that has the potential to irritate many people.

Because baby boomers will tend to try anything younger people do, just to prove we still got it. (Like being a 71-year old Secretary of State and falling off your bike and breaking your leg).  But we don’t “got it”, we only got some of it left and we got less of it every day.

If you are a boomer and you are considering going commando after wiping with Cottenelle, let me explain it like this:

When a house is new, its plumbing is strong and secure.  The pipes are shiny and the fittings are tight.  However, as the house ages the pipes can weaken and corrode, the fittings get loose, and leaks will occur.

No, you should never go “commando”. Yes, there was a time when your “soldiers” were in top fighting shape.  You were confident that they would only discharge their guns where and when needed.  But now the soldiers are getting older, they can fire their weapons unexpectedly and randomly.  They cannot be trusted, so you must keep them well contained at all times and even consider offering an extra defensive shield for these soldiers as they age.  Your soldier is capable of firing off a series of “wet ones” when you didn’t even know there was one in the chamber.  A whole case of Cottonelle can’t help you
Even Arnold is now too old for this high jinks!

There was a day when you let your boys and girls run free, basking in the warm glow of wild abandonment.  I hope you enjoyed those days, because they are over.  It’s time for the boys and girls to come inside the secure protection of a loving home.

I know that some of you guys might see this is an opportunity to show off your equipment one last time.  Unfortunately that bulge is now the result of an enlarged prostate and that should not be flaunted, it needs to be treated by a doctor.

In addition, I would not recommend this commando challenge to any mothers who have sent multiple packages down the chute. Especially if any of these resembled a holiday ham.  I strongly advise against this.

In conclusion, unless you are in total control of your soldiers, do not take Cottonelle up on this challenge.  And I call on Cottonelle to end this campaign immediately lest people post photos of their failures on  Instagram and soil your reputation.

Boomers, do not join this movement!  Because for this movement to be successful, there has to be no movement and that is precisely why it will ultimately fail.


  1. I am 83 years old, have been an avid reader all my life, and I have to say this is the dammed funniest thing I have ever read ~ People are crazy .

  2. This was hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.