Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, June 22, 2015

My Shorts Almost Killed Me (RUU)

Recently I purchased a pair of “basketball” shorts at my local drugstore. It may seem strange to buy clothing at the drugstore, but they offer “close-out” items at very good prices.  These shorts looked to be an excellent bargain at only $3.99!

However the shorts were powder blue and “silky”.  Now they weren’t “fancy pants”. Fancy pants should never ever be worn by guys unless you are working as a clown or golfing.  These were “snazzy pants”. Snazzy pants are acceptable apparel for younger guys trying to attract young chicks.  Now my days of trying to attract young
Very snazzy, silky, shorts
chicks are long gone.  Snazzy pants are not going to do the trick at my age and even if they brought success there are health risks involved.  I’m not referring to having a heart attack, rather getting killed by your wife.

I determined even if the shorts were a bit too fancy to wear in public, I could just wear them around the house and besides they were only $3.99.  When I tried them on at home, it was confirmed these were “young man pants” and not made for a middle-aged body.  The shorts were tight in the thighs which meant when I bent over, the shorts quickly slid down about six inches in back.  This means that when picking up branches in the yard, I would be flashing half-moons to the entire neighborhood.  This is something no one wants to see, especially the children.

So the only time I could possibly wear these shorts is to mow the grass.  So I put on my snazzy, silky, pants and fired up my riding mower.  Now mowing on a rider often requires you to shift your butt to the high side of the seat on inclines to balance out the weight distribution and prevent the mover from tipping over.  Of course the first time I did this, the silky shorts caused my large butt to suddenly and unexpected slide to the bottom side of the seat.  Fortunately this sudden shift in weight did not result in the mower to tipping over, but I’m not exactly sure how I managed to stay on the seat.

Every time I came to any incline I was sliding down the seat.  I was sliding around as if the seat it was greased and it was real challenge to stay on the mower. It was similar to an amusement park ride where you are thrown violently side-to-side without warning.  It’s plain physics.  Newton’s First Law of Assnertia states: A body part in motion tends to remain in motion.  And there was no way to stop my large butt once it started to slide in those silky shorts.

If I had flipped the mower over and died, no one would have known that it was the stupid shorts that led to my demise. People would have thought that I was just careless.  It may have been worse if I had survived.  I can imagine young nurses snickering at me as the surgeon worked to reattach my genitals.

“He says he wrecked his mower because he was wearing silky shorts, tee hee, tee hee, tee hee.”

And the Internet headlines would have been just as bad: Man’s Snazzy Shorts Nearly Kill Him

In the words of Dirty Harry: A man's got to know his limitations.

This goes double for middle-aged men. And my limitations now include not wearing hip, flashy, clothing designed for younger guys. No matter the price, no matter the occasion.