The Most Interesting Blog Post in the World

He used to smoke joints, now his joints are smoked

He still listens to K.C. & The Sunshine Band – on a 8-track player

He has more hair growing on his back, than is growing on his head

He is - the most middle-aged man in the world

I don’t eat ice cream often, but when I do, I prefer dos de cucharas (two scoops)

I don’t dance often, but when I do, I prefer the dos paso (two step)

I don't drive sports cars often, but when I do, I prefer dos puertas (two doors)

He can explain the benefits of a Roth IRA

He smokes a pipe – filled will legal substances

He has man-boobs that make teen-age girls envious

He is - the most middle-aged man in the world

I don’t drink Pepsi often, but when I do, I prefer dos litros (two liters)

I don’t wear glasses often, but when I do, I prefer dos vidrios (two lenses)

I don’t have threesomes often, but when I do, I prefer dos gemelas (two twins)

He knows why his wife is upset with him – without even asking

He used to play lacrosse.  Now he just drives one.

He believes corn-holing should be done in private

He is - the most middle-aged man in the world

I don’t wear footwear often, but when I do, I prefer dos zapatos (two shoes)

I don’t fly small planes often, but when I do, I prefer dos motors (two engines)

I don’t get complete physical exams often, but when I do, I prefer dos enfermeras (two nurses)

He knows how to properly hit a lob wedge

He used to go back packing.  Now he packs his back in ice.

He knows how much fiber he can eat -- without blowing out his shorts

He is - the most middle-aged man in the world

I don’t eat hamburgers often, but when I do, I prefer dos pastelillos (two patties)

I don’t shoot shotguns often, but when I do, I prefer dos canons (two barrels)

I don’t marry trophy wives often, but when I do, I prefer veintidós años de edad (22-year olds)

He has experienced the benefits of compound interest

The kids in the neighborhood call him Buddha – but not for his wisdom

He used to spend money to be authentically hip.  He now spends it on artificial hips.

He is - the most middle-aged man in the world

I don’t tee off often, but when I do, I prefer dos maderas (two woods)

I don’t play poker often, but when I do, I prefer dos ases (two aces)

I don’t use small bills often, but when I do, I prefer dos dolares (two dollars)

He can calculate his own cholesterol level

He knows the best way to prepare for a colonoscopy

He just bought a new shaver – for his ear hair

He is - the most middle-aged man in the world

I don’t use sugar often, but when I do, I prefer dos cubos (two cubes)

I don’t throw fastballs often, but when I do, I prefer dos costuras (two seamers)

I don’t wear bras often, but when I do, I prefer dos copas (two cups)

Keep breathing my friends

So You Want To Be A Dairy Princess

Recently while vacationing in central Pennsylvania I read a local newspaper article that made reference to the county “Dairy Princess”.  Since this is big dairy country, I surmised that being Dairy Princess is a great honor.  Because my mind never goes on vacation, I wondered what the qualifications for becoming a Dairy Princess are.

The one requirement evident from the article is the Dairy Princess must own a cow.  This makes sense, if you’re going to represent dairy farmers and promote “Mother Nature’s most perfect food, milk” (Stick it you vegans!), then it helps to have some hide in the game.  This also eliminates them city slicker girls with them fake nails who might just want to be Dairy Princess to pad their resume.

I’m sure there is some academic requirement and prospects probably have to write a lame essay espousing the wonders of milk.  A committee evaluates all of this and then selects the winner.  I bet even in farm country politics and favoritism affects the selection.

However if the purpose of the Dairy Princess is to promote milk, I think you can simplify the selection by focusing in on just one factor.  I would choose the applicant with the biggest milk jugs.

I realize that this may seem sexist in the new millennium and this factor is already an unwritten rule by many male hiring managers in business, but it is a legitimate attribute for this job.  When people meet the Dairy Princess, you want them to have a positive opinion of milk and nothing does it better than huge milk jugs.

You want your Dairy Princess to enthusiastically promote milk.  You want her to radiate milk.  You want to exude milk.  You don’t want her to actually express milk, but it helps if she looks like she could if she had to.

I want a Dairy Princess who shops in the women’s section.  If she’s still in training, she’s not ready for prime time.   This is the mountain country of Pennsylvania so you want a mountain woman and a woman who has mountain flair. It would be udderly ridiculous to choose a Dairy Princess from the flatlands.  You need milk jugs, not milk cups.

I know this would be a radical change from the current selection process, but something tells me that problems recruiting dairy farmers for the selection committee would be a thing of the past.  No more reading boring essays.  I don’t care if the Dairy Princess is as dumb as dirt.  If you want to carry the message of milky goodness, then you need to be able to show some yourself.

Of course each contestant would need a certificate of authenticity.  Milk is a natural, wholesome, food and the Dairy Princess should have similar traits.

If your Dairy Princess carries some large milk jugs, attendance is sure to increase at all her appearances -- and that is whole point, isn’t it?  Of course all Dairy Princess outfits would need to be approved by someone.  You don’t want the dairy Princess to “bust a move” (or move a bust) at the monthly Osterburg dairy farmers meeting.  And you don’t ever want this headline: “Dairy Princess Jugs Spill Out at the County Fair – Calamity Ensues. – Local firemen able to control the overflow”.

When it comes to dairy farming it’s all about the teats and filling up your jugs.  You should expect nothing less from your Dairy Princess.