Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Sunday, August 5, 2018

I’ve Got The Cat Poop Fever

I know I’m supposed to be taking the summer off, but sometimes stuff happens that is too good to pass up. And in the spirit of Dave Barry – I am not making this up……

Once again, a dreary summer has been brightened by a spectacular scientific breakthrough. Researchers at the University of Colorado have found a parasite in cat feces that can empower people to become entrepreneurs.  They claim people infected with the germ have less fear of failure and are more likely to major in business and start their own businesses than non-infected people.

This raises several questions:

1.    Someone is spending a lot of money to study, really study, cat poop.  I assume it’s hands-on research.

2.    People are being paid lots of money as “Cat Poop Researchers” to intently study cat feces and identify all sorts of parasites and wonders that it contains.

3.    These scientists are then infecting humans with these organisms to study the behavior changes that occur when the $hi+ hits the brain.

I never thought about snorting stuff from the litter box to increase my confidence. If I would have known about this in high school, I could have taken a hit of cat turd and gained the confidence needed to ask out Suzie Miller.  I never did because I thought Suzie was out of my league. She really wasn’t though and if I had asked and she had accepted, maybe my whole life would have changed.  Then again, I just saw on Facebook that Suzie’s third marriage just ended due to her alcoholism, so maybe it was best I left that $hi+ alone.  Yeah, I mean in both cases.

But I do kind of believe this report. I mean cats are supposed to be “fraidy” and
easily frightened, right? Could this be because they are pooping out all their confidence?  I’m not a scientist, but many people marvel at my ability to sling feces. Some would argue it’s my only skill.

However, I do fear business colleges may use this research to covertly boost the confidence of their students, so they are more successful after they graduate. I can see classes such as “Introduction to Cat Feces 101” and “Advanced Kitty Liter Studies” showing up on business curriculums. Maybe they will just unleash the parasites through the air vents during class. “Hey does it smell like a litterbox in here? Where’s the cat? Here Kitty!”

Although reducing fear of failure can be a good thing, the researchers say that people infected with this particular parasite have suffered a greater risk of “car accidents, mental illness, neuroticism, drug abuse and suicide.  So if you survive your car wreck, don’t go crazy, overcome your addiction, and don’t kill yourself, you can become a successful entrepreneur! Go you!

Which means this whole study and every article written about it is just a pile of cat, of cat, --- ugh – I just can’t come up with the right term. Sorry about that.

Cue some Ted Nugent with wild hair and wilder guitars:

Cat Poop Mojo**

Well I don’t know why it smells good
But it sure do smell
I hope it’s smelling for me
And I don’t know how they crap it but they sure crap it good
I hope they’re crapin’ for free

They give me cat poop mojo
Cat poop mojo

The first time I got it
I was fresh out of school
I got it from the feline next door
I went to see the bank and they gave me the loan
I think my profits will soar

I got a cat poop mojo
Cat poop mojo

There’s nothin’ dangerous I have no fear
I’m taking ri ri risks
I go skydiving without a chute
But there’s no worry or tears
Cause I got all this loot 
It gives me cat poop mojo
Cat poop mojo
I got the cat poop mojo
Cat poop mojo

Cat poop mojo
Cat poop mojo
Cat poop mojo

** Based on Cat Scratch Fever by Ted Nugent