Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Funny Business at the Comedy Club

A few weeks ago I made my first visit to a comedy club.  I went to see my friend Chuck Costanzo who was the opening act. (Yes I have a friend who is a stand-up comedian, so I probably do think that I am cooler than you)  And when I visit new places, you know that strange things are going to happen and this night was no exception.  It is a comedy club, but not all the humorous stuff was happening on stage.

Soon after I arrived I noticed a young woman who apparently had left home that evening in a big hurry.  I say that because she had forgotten to put on the rest of her clothes. She was there in her undergarments.  They call them undergarments because they are meant to be worn “under” other garments called outer garments.  I must say that it was a very nice corset, but unless you are paid to swing on a pole, you shouldn’t be wearing one in public.

My guess is that she is a Lady Ga Ga wannabe.   Obviously she doesn’t realize that even Lady Ga Ga would wear a dress to a comedy club.  And unfortunately beauty-wise this woman was no Lady Ga Ga.   She was a little chunky monkey.   There were “deficiencies” that she should have been trying to conceal, because there was plenty of  junk in that trunk.  Technically the junk was actually out of the trunk and on display like a human yard sale.  And you had you think that this junk could be obtained very cheaply.  No need to undress her with your eyes, she had done if for you.  I gave her the name Lady Gagme.

Soon a couple, Ben and Lorrie, were seated at my table.   They were an attractive couple in their late 30’s and seemed like very normal people.  However almost from the beginning Lorrie began flirting with me.  Now at my age when a younger, attractive, woman flirts with you it is much appreciated, but I was getting uncomfortable especially since Ben was sitting right there.  But he didn’t seem to mind it.  In fact it looked like he was actually enjoying it.  So Lorrie made even more suggestive comments and kept giving me very seductive looks.

Finally Ben took exception to something Lorrie said and announced how he was going to “discipline” her for that comment later that night.  I thought he might be joking, but the wicked smile on Lorrie’s face told me he was serious.  Later in the evening, Lorrie did tell me privately what she had planned for Ben later that night.

After the evening was over, I realized that I had actually participated in a “threesome”.  This was Ben and Lorrie’s verbal foreplay and I was the foil.   Of course I was never invited to participate any further in this “game” which is a good thing because I am “definitely not into that”.  But don’t feel bad for me. If I wanted some affection, I’m sure Lady Gagme needed a ride home.

 As this conversation was happening I found it very bizarre, but now I find it highly amusing.  The only reason that I was exposed to these shenanigans is that I was attending the show with my friend Bob, who is also a friend of Chuck’s.  I was expecting to arrive late, so Bob was supposed to get there before me and get a table up front.  But apparently Bob had trouble reading the e-mail I sent him explaining when to arrive and also had trouble understanding my instructions when I called him the night before to make sure he would get there before me.  So Bob was late; very, very, late.  Leaving me exposed to verbal hijinks of this horny couple.

The comedy actually happening on the stage was awesome. Chuck did a great job with his routine which included a bit on how great it would be if women could produce beer instead of breast milk. A woman at the table next to me said she would give it a try and several guys immediately volunteered to be taste testers. 

The main act was an Arabian comedienne with huge breasts and she was hilarious.  I found myself becoming attracted to her because I am a former stand-up comedian and I appreciate her talent. It had nothing to do with her breasts, which are enormous. Her jokes were really funny, especially the ones about her large, heaving, breasts.

Overall it was a very enjoyable evening. The packed crowd really got into the show. Ben and Lorrie did leave in a hurry shortly before it concluded. I guess they had something else to do, can't imagine what it was. I hoped they enjoyed the show, but even if he didn't I know Ben's evening had a happy ending.

Monday, January 9, 2012

My Money Is Slip-Sliding Away – But My Car Isn’t

Last winter Northeast Ohio featured some of the most hazardous driving conditions I have ever encountered.  Now some in the media have reported that last winter wasn’t that bad because the total snowfall was about “average”.  This proves the old saying that “there are lies, damn lies and statistics”.  We had three ice storms last year.  We typically have an ice storm about every four years.  In addition, some of this “average” snow fell very heavily during rush (call it slush) hours.

Unfortunately last year I found out my new car performed very poorly in heavy snow.  One night I had to be towed home several hours after the snow had stopped.  I was very late for work on two days because I could not make it out of my hilly allotment until the snow plow arrived.  This did not amuse my new boss in the least.  It seems my “all-weather” radials would truly be “all weather” if I lived in say, Florida.  But they do not go in heavy snow.
To prevent this from happening again, I purchased new snow tires for my car.  And not just any snow tires, I got Bridgestone Blizzaks.  These tires hate snow.  They grind it up, spit it out and send it crying home to its mother.  In the Blizzak television commercial, some helpless guy slides all over the place because he has wimpy tires.  You don’t want to be that guy and last year I was definitely that guy.  Now I’m the guy with the Blizzaks who proudly drives by (and waves to) these sliding losers while in complete control of his vehicle.

The Blizzaks are the very best snow tires money can buy.  Of course I needed a new set of snazzy rims to pimp my ride. Add in the mounting and balancing and I have almost $1000 of snow crunching power on my vehicle.  And I am happy to say that the tires have been highly effective.  I have not slid even once this winter.
And if you live in the north, you get the joke. This may be the least snowy winter in recorded history.  Ohio has only had a few inches of snow. The Canadian city of “Moose Jaw” has only had 7.7 inches.   It seems something called the “Greenland Cap” has not showed up this year to push the cold air down from the Artic.  So Greenland is capless (it probably has something to do with the poor economy) and we have no snow.
Of course my friends are all making fun of me for buying my expensive snow tires this year.  Even my all-weather radials sitting in my garage mock me.  “Hey Blizzak boy, what’s the weather like today?  Oh, 45 degrees and sunny again?  Just checking.”
Ah sweet mysteries of life.  I could just write this one off to bad luck, but it does seem to be a pattern with me.
Last fall I upgraded my football season tickets at my college alma mater.  This decision was questionable because the team had a pitiful 1 and 11 season in 2010.  My friend Bob said “Are you nuts?  The team stinks.  What makes you think they are going to be better this season?”  I assured Bob that the team would be better and would surely win more than one game.  Hell, the coach even guaranteed they would.  Well, they went 1 and 11 again.  So I paid more money to watch bad football from better seats.  Worse yet, many of the games were blowouts so those seats weren’t occupied very much in the fourth quarter.
And as readers of my economic blog may remember, in May 2010 I bought a new, 46” LED high-definition television for the express purpose of watching Le Bron James lead the Cleveland Cavaliers to the NBA championship. That didn’t work out so well either. Sure, it is still great for watching “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, but it just isn’t the same.
My smart-ass friend Bob believes that my purchasing decisions are a good predictor of the future.  Therefore I will share with all of you what I am planning on purchasing soon.  I am about to pay my lawn treatment bill for this year (come to think of it, last year I bought this for the first time and it wasn’t really needed since we had our second rainiest year ever) and I am also planning to purchase a new lawn tractor.  This is perverse when you think about it.  I am paying someone to make my grass grow and then I am paying for a machine to make it short again.  If you combine these two purchasing decisions together, you should expect the “Great Drought of 2012”.