Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, December 13, 2022

This Year’s Weirdest Christmas Gift Ever!

Several years ago, at Christmastime, I began donating a goat for poor people through ChildFund International. While I admit it’s kind of a gimmick to get you to donate, it is a legitimate thing. I wrote about this a few years ago, and the essay appears in my book Turkey Terror At My Door! (If you want to send a goat to Africa, click here)

I wanted to use ChildFund’s photo of the African kid holding a goat in my book, so I sent a copy of the essay to the head of the organization with my request. The woman didn’t find my writing all that humorous, but let me use the picture. In response, I did tone down some of my wisecracks.

The purpose of the goats is to provide milk to their hungry owners. I enjoyed giving a goat so much that  I started giving two goats. I was ready to do the same this year when I noticed another option. Instead of giving two female goats, I could donate a pair of breeding goats. So, when the female goat wasn’t supplying milk, the couple could get busy and end up creating a Ponderosa full of goats.

I was intrigued by this idea, so I decided to go with the breeders because my gift could potentially populate the continent with goats and solve world hunger. Because that’s just the type of guy I am. 

Here Is Your Mission – If You Decide To Accept It

But then, of course, I began to worry about what could go wrong with my master plan. Did my male goat truly understand his mission? Does he know he is supposed to impregnate his traveling companion as soon as possible after arriving in Africa? Wonder if my goats are not compatible lovers? What if she is a stuck-up bitch goat, and this turns him off?

Now my fears were spinning out of control. Could he be a gay goat? There is such a thing; it’s called a gayoate’ (please don’t look this up). I’m really hoping they check this out before they ship him out. Maybe show him photos of some hot goat babes and see how he reacts, because I ain’t paying for a gay goat. And this has nothing to do with discrimination or bias. Bucky, the goat, has only one job, and he can’t do it if he is climbing up the wrong hill.

I want my goat to be the horniest goat that ever lived — the H-GOAT as it were. I want him to knock up the goat he was paired with, then roam around the village, getting as much goat-pie as he can. Of course, now I have a vested interest in goat sex, so it’s on to the Internet for information on this fascinating topic.

On average, every 21 days, the female goat enters this thing called estrus – not to be confused with the character on Gunsmoke, or people in the Bible. She stands in the ready position for up to 36 hours, waiting for the male to mount her from behind. And then, in the time it takes to say “Wham, bam, thank you maaaam”, it’s all over. Yes, he finishes the deed in just a few seconds. She doesn’t even know who did it, and you can bet he’s not going to text her in the morning. This explains why there is no porn for goats; if they blink at the wrong time, they miss the whole thing.

But guys, this does give you an out the next time you are premat … uh, you can’t hold ah, there’s a fast finish. Just tell her, “Hey, I lasted longer than a goat!”. Please let me know if that one works.

Therefore, this year I am experiencing the joy of Christmas by sharing the joy of goat sex. I hope my stud goat soon arrives in Africa and gives her what she needs, if only for a few seconds. Because Christmas is all about giving – and this year, also about fantastic goat sex.  


Wednesday, December 7, 2022

Lots of Sex, Lies, and Monopoly Money

Welcome to another edition of Don Explains It All

Today’s Topic: Cryptocurrency

Yes, today we are going to plunge into the exciting and complex world of what is called cryptocurrency! Well, they say it’s complex, but it’s really quite simple.

All this cryptocurrency is digital Monopoly money. It’s fake money, people! It ain’t real money. But somebody figured out a way to get people to accept this Monopoly money as if it was real money. And then a bunch techies and millennials actually started to buy stuff and invest using this digital Monopoly money.

Only, this stuff is even faker than Monopoly money. At least you can hold those gold $500 bills in your hands. But these crypto coins are allegedly mined out of the air and only exist in digital hyperspace. And what’s worse, once the first dude started digitally “mining” his Monopoly money, other people decided to create their own version of Monopoly money. So, now you have different versions of the fake cash.

Now, of course, those crypto maniacs will dismiss my assessment as coming from a “boomer” who just doesn’t understand the new cool, whiz-bang method of commerce. Well, at least I know better than try to use Monopoly money to buy goods at the 5-and-10, uh, I mean Costco.

Now I admit cryptocurrency could work. But there is one huge problem: You gotta use real money to buy the fake money. Now let me get this straight. You guys are using real money to buy fake money so you can have fun spending and trading the phony money. But what happens when people realize that the emperor has no cash? I think it’s call crypto because it buries your common sense in a crypt. A better name is gypto, because, eventually, you’ll get gypped. 

Gypped By A Modern Day Gypsy

Which brings us to the modern gypsy, Sam Bankman-Friend, founder of FTX. The FTX’s $32 billion in Monopoly money just went poof! And then the real money at the firm disappeared – well, not literally – someone ran off with it.

What happened? Well, Sammy blames his girlfriend. Now it's been reported that it was his “on and off” girlfriend. Now that’s true – he was on her – then he was off her. But then he was on another woman. Reportedly the FTX office was a polyamorous playground where people were all playing a variety of holes – kinda like a sexual golf course. So this particular woman was his “girlfriend” on Tuesday/Thursday, but the rest of the week he was out swinging his club at other holes.

Sammie recently said that the company failed because he got cocky. So FTX resembled a hippie commune with everybody at the office boinking each other when they weren’t trading Monopoly money. Now realize a lot of the boinking was taking place in the actual office. So, you would suppose some of the conference rooms had beds instead of tables. This would also impact productivity. I can’t meet at ten, I’m boinking Carol. Let’s make it three, I’m free after boinking Monica. 

Now Sam put, ah, let’s call her Miss Tuesday/Thursday (I heard Miss Wednesday was into goth and kinda spooky) in charge of an essential division of FTX. This was a smooth move because by the looks of her, she was the smartest woman in the harem. But I have to guess, the other  women getting boinked there may have been a tad better looking than Tuesday-Thursday. As appearances go, if you have seen pictures of Sammy, you know these women were only boinking him for the crypto. 


And mixing all this sex, especially hippie sex will business, jealousy and $32 billion of crypto together was sure to cause big problems. It was very lame for Sammy to blame Tuesday/Thursday for the company's collapse. You set the thing up. You were in charge. You were the CBO – chief boinking officer.

Who’s to say that Sam decided to boink the big-breasted Jennifer in accounting on Tuesday, allured by her tight jeans and plunging neckline that day? In response, Miss Tuesday/Thursday may have said, “Bite me bitecoin boy! I’m crashing your company, and now poor Jennifer has nothing to count!”

In a recent interview, Sammy said, “I think I got a little cocky — I mean, more than a little bit.” Well duh! You got cocky all right! You were cocking every woman in the office, at the office. It was a literal cockfest. Instead of having your head in that $32 billion business, your head was buried deep in, ah, deep in …. Well let's say it wasn’t quite buried in the sand, but you were completely distracted, as it were.

You just can’t be boinking all the women in the company, especially if some of them are in critical positions, uh, I mean jobs. You don’t want any of them blowing job responsibilities, do you? Sammy, don’t you know anything about women? Of course, you don’t! You’re only thirty years old.

A Bad Combination

You mix billions of dollars, hippie commune sex, and Monopoly money together, and this all unraveled like a cheap sweater. And no one is boinking Sammy anymore since his crypto shrank. Even Cher could have seen this one coming, as you ended up with gypsies, tramps, and thieves. If you trusted this chubby 30-year-old to be your banker – even if his name is “Bankman”, you deserve to lose all your money.

Oh, and Don, you were a wise enough investor not to lose all your money in this scheme, right? Absolutely, I wanted to play investments with all the cool kids, so I only invested in what they said was the “safe way to invest in crypto.” So I didn’t lose it all. I’m only down 83% on my investment! I just need that banker guy from the Monopoly game to start printing some more money, and I will be well again.