Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, June 18, 2018

Korean Peace May Happen Through Chicken Piece

As the U.S. begins to negotiate with North Korea about giving up their nukes, the big question is why Kim Jong Un is so eager to bargain now. Many people believe it is due to our policy of “maximum pressure” and show of military strength, but I don’t believe that. I think something wonderfully more basis is at work here. I’ll call it the “Foodie Theory”.

Just a few months ago, a delegation of North Koreans traveled to South Korea to watch the Olympics. North Koreans don’t travel abroad very often and this was the first time anyone in the group had been to South Korea.  This was a big deal, thus all those photos of Kim Jong Un’s sister, Kim Sol-song, watching the games.

Reportedly, there are several fast-food restaurants, including a KFC, located near the main Olympic arena. And it can be speculated that the North Koreans dined from these places several times while at the Olympics.  Now I don’t know the quality of the Korean KFC. I assume it uses the same recipe and is fairly tasty, but that the breasts are smaller, because uh, …. Well it is Korea, you know. But regardless, eating KFC and American-style burgers for the first time had to be a glorious treat for the North Koreans. Remember the thrill of going to Mc Donald’s as a child? Yeh, it feels like that.

Actually, it feels much better because Korean food is freakin’ horrible.  It is by far the worst of your Asian cuisines. Consider that there are many Japanese restaurants and even more Chinese buffets around. You never see a Korean buffet because there are not enough edible Korean dishes to create a buffet. And the few Korean restaurants around cater almost exclusively to Koreans.  And any grilling master in the U.S. will tell you Korean barbeque, while good, is not great.

Now I do have to admit, I’ve only tasted Korean food once when I foolishly tried the “Korean chicken” at the Chinese buffet. Yeeeech! And this is South Korean food, imagine how crappy the food is up north.

But to these isolated North Koreans, this American-style fast food was their first real experience with Western culture. Nothing says American capitalist pig like a Big Mac, okay maybe a Mc Rib does, but that’s beside the point. In America we are experts at rapidly processing foodstuffs into highly-seasoned, unhealthy globs, for which we pay exorbitant prices so it can make us fat and eventually kill us. Fast food is something that makes America great.

Now several members of the North Korean delegation were no doubt spies, who had no interest in the Olympics but were charged with bringing back useful information to the Grand Leader.

The debriefing probably went something like this:

Glorious Leader: What you find in Pyeongchang?

Spy #1: Good chicken, really good chicken.

Glorious Leader: Why so good?

Spy #2: They fry it in the United States, in Kentucky, and somehow, it’s still piping hot and delicious when it gets to Korea!

Glorious Leader: Who run this place?

Spy #3: It run by military. Under direction of a Colonel Sanders.

Glorious Leader: This is not a problem. We find recipe and make chicken here!

Spy #1: No can get recipe! Big military secret! Special blend of 11 herbs and spices.

Glorious Leader: Rats! Enough about the chicken! What else was there?

Spy #2: With chicken you get whipped potatoes, gravy, and fluffy biscuit.

Spy #3: The chicken is so delicious, that we all licked our fingers after we ate.
Glorious Leader: It’s finger-licking good?


The Foodie Theory holds that immediately after the Olympics the North
Koreans started plotting on how they could obtain mass quantities of American fast food. Remember your first economics lesson on “Guns or Butter” that explained that a nation has to decide how much to spend on military versus consumer goods?  We’ll this may be a literal version of that: “Nuclear Bombs or Chicken”. And after tasting the colonel’s extra crispy with two sides, those nukes may have lost some of their flavor. So now the North Koreans may be willing to give up their nukes to gain access to Happy Meals.  This is so beautiful, I’m about to cry.

Lest, you think this is totally farfetched, one of the real negotiation requests of the North Koreans is they want to get a fast-food hamburger restaurant franchise in Pyongyang (I’m not making this up!). It would seem Kim Jong Un is a more a fan of burgers than chicken. If this happens, my money is on
Burger King (royalty) or Big Boy (resemblance to mascot).

If the current negotiations fail, the North Koreans lust for fast food still does provide a way to end the conflict. Remember the hot dog guns that used to shoot wieners into the stands at baseball games before the lawyers stopped the practice due to injury liabilities?  I propose we convert our grenade launchers so we can shoot burgers and chicken pieces across the DMZ to the North Korean troops.

In other words: We’ve got legs (chicken), we need to know how to use them.

We literally create a Big Mac attack.

In propelling this food over the border, we could claim this is humanitarian aid, not an act of war. We have done air-drops of food many times before. This would be a much more targeted strike however.

And it would work. After tasting a Big Mac, the North Korean soldiers would drop their weapons and quickly travel south shouting: “I surrender! I surrender! Yes, I want fries with that!”  Even though no tacos are involved, this would create a literal “Run for the Border”.

But let’s hope the current talks are successful and a lasting peace is established. And a brand-new world opens up, with fast-food restaurants covering all of North Korea. It would be a beautiful thing, children. A beautiful thing. I’m tearing up again …

I used to make fun of those KFC commercials touting their chicken as a way to bring families together at night around the dinner table.  I am laughing no more, as maybe it was KFC food that has brought the world family together at the negotiating table.

Now everybody sing:

Get a bucket of chicken
Finger lickin' good
Have a barrel of fun
Goodbye ho-hum
Say hello to your family (your world family America!)
Come on everyone
At Kentucky Fried Chicken
Have a barrel of fun

Sunday, June 3, 2018

Bears Don’t Do This In The Woods

My wife had brought home something unusual from the grocery store. I stared at it winsomely, as I cradled it in my hands. But I was not prepared for the glorious joy I was about to experience.


Ahhhhhhhhh …….


Ya Ya Yakka Moo Moo!

Oh baby, that feels oh so gooooooooooooooooood!

Who knew 3-ply toilet paper felt this wonderful?

They can’t really tell you in the television ads how good this stuff is because it would be oh so awkward. It is amusing how they try to use cartoon bears to sell toilet paper. Because bears do crap in the woods and the only thing there to wipe with is leaves and that proves to be  very uncomfortable to the human tush. However, according to my very extensive Internet research, bears don’t even wipe afterward. This means that whole advertisement is a fraud since these allegedly picky bears wouldn’t even use toilet paper if they had access to
Fake News!
it. This is a prime example of FAKE NEWS. So, does a bear crap in the woods? Yes. Does he wipe his butt afterward? No.  I certainly hope that settles the issue.

But, oh baby, baby! Does this 3-ply stuff rock! I don’t even know what to call this experience. Wipevana?  Paperpalooza? Tushtastic?  Yes, this puffy paper delivers, oh more appropriately, gets rid of, the goods. The brand names include words like: Velvety, Quilted (grandma made my toilet paper!), Bliss, Plush and my favorite name, Cashmere. Perhaps that last one is like wiping your butt with your sweater – but maybe don’t try that one at home.

Besides the comfort to your backside, 3-ply paper also improves your health. After I experienced this blissfulness for the first time, I ate lots of fiber the rest of the day to ensure I could repeat the process as soon as possible.

However, this sensation was so gratifying that I started to feel guilty. I mean the Puritans would have never used this. And let’s face it, well maybe not face it, the product is inherently and atrociously wasteful. You are using 3 plies, when 2 plies are sufficient. That’s 50% more paper, 50%! I’ve been wiping with 2-ply my entire life with no complaints. But now I am using an extra sheet to do the job. Therefore using 3-ply is enormously environmentally irresponsible! You are not going green, if you wipe with 3-ply after going brown – even if you happened to actually go green.

Velvety goodness 
And then what about the poor people stuck with using cheap 1-ply, rough paper? Some of it probably contains chunks of wood, it’s so coarse. How can I cavalierly stick 3-ply up my butt without feeling any remorse?  And what about people in the third-world countries? Do I not care? Am I an elitist? Is using this product a result of literally white-fluffy privilege?

So yes, I was feeling soooo guilty about using the 3-ply toilet tissue. Until of course, nature called and ....

Yabba dabba do do!

Hacha hacha mama!

Whoopity whippity weeeee!

Ahhhhhh, the thrill of it!

However, this guilt was overwhelming and when I feel this remorseful about my behavior, there is only one responsible course of action. --- I must go to any degree, I must construct any argument, I must twist logic like a pretzel, to completely justify my actions. 

I give money every month to a poor African kid. Surely, they use some of that money to buy toilet paper. So I have earned the right to use 3-ply, correct? Maybe. But my best justification for going to the 3-ply is that my anus is in training. Yes, it’s almost time for a colonoscopy, so I need to get my anus ready for the big day. I need my anus in top condition and ready to perform at the highest level.

Now if you’re now expecting the same lame jokes about the colonoscopy prep and procedure that have been done thousands of times by hundreds of comics, then you are reading the wrong blog. There is absolutely nothing funny about you paying to get a probe shoved up your a$$.

You know there is something weird about to happen when everyone is overly interested and excited about looking up your butthole. All these people are way too happy and cheerful. Whenever this happens, you know something bad is about to happen to you.

Your doctor: “Well Don, it looks like your due for a colonoscopy!” (Big Smile)

The clinic scheduler (on the phone): “Fantastic! We have you all scheduled for Tuesday morning, the 14th!” (and you know she is smiling)

The clinic receptionist: “Welcome, Mr. Ake! We’re all ready for you!" (Huge smile)

The clinic doctor: “There’s nothing to worry about, har, har! We use lots of lube here!” (Big, goofy smile)

This is one procedure where I don’t even care if the nurse is hot. I just want her to be gentle and to have not broken up with her boyfriend last night (Men! I would just like to take that TV controller and shove it right up his ...) And even though the nurse and I are going to share an intimate experience, I don’t expect her to call me in the morning to see how I’m doing. It’s best that when I leave the clinic that we both pretend this never happened and go on with our lives.

I do think that if everyone is going to pretend to be so giddy about looking up your anus, that just like a baseball player coming to bat, you should be able to choose a walk-up song. As they wheel me into the exam room, my “roll-up” song would be “I’m Sexy and I Know It” and I would be rapidly pistol pointing at the nurses, the receptionist and anyone else in my path.

Doc, look in my body
Doc, look in my body
Doc, look in my body
I wipe clean

I know normal people have many fears about the procedure, but I am not “normal people”. My biggest fear is that my colonoscopy video would be “leaked” and posted on the Internet. The video would go viral and would lead to a reality television show starring my anus. The pilot would get picked up by truTV and millions of viewers would tune in every week for The Don’s Anus Show. The show would end up being much more popular than my book and I would be relegated to answering questions from the press such as: “What’s it like having a famous anus?”  
“This week on the Don’s Anus Show: Don gets the Nitro Burrito at Chipotle – Spoiler Alert! This is not going to end well.”

Even with this risk, it is important to get the colonoscopy because it saved my friend Mark’s life. But just like everything else, preparation is important. I must make sure my hemorrhoids are cool, calm and literally collected, before they are brutally traumatized in a most irritating manner. And the best way to do this is to pamper them with the softest, lushest, 3-ply toilet tissue I can find.

Yes, I am now a 3-ply guy, and I am not ashamed.