Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

The Sordid Truth About Yoga

The yoga craze continues in the United States with new classes and groups popping up all over the place. Yoga began over 5,000 years ago in India. They don’t know exactly who invented it. However, although most of practicioners today are women, I am most certain it was originally developed by a man.

This is because yoga is, and always has been, one huge fraud. A fraud that has persisted for 5,000 years until now. That’s right, I’m calling Shenanigans! Major shenanigans, on this practice. Forget the lies about yoga being a method of relaxation, spirituality, exercise, destressing, mind-clearing, blah, blah, blah. The truth is, yoga was developed by this guy, or guys, for one reason and one reason only: To get women in the mood for sex.

Getting women “in the mood” has been a challenge for men since the beginning of time. Men are always in the mood, but their equipment isn’t always functional. Women’s equipment is always functional (well, almost always), but they are frequently not in the mood. This is all part of God’s design. If men’s equipment was always functional and women were always in the mood, mankind never would have advanced, and Earth would have been rapidly overpopulated. “Grog now going to work lots on inventing wheel today and – Whoa! First, me get me some of dat!”

And the problem for men is that so many things can interfere with a woman’s mood. For example, her best friend Karen’s mother may be ill and she gets so worried about what might happen. She is so upset, she can’t even think about romance. A guy dismisses these thoughts easily: “Hey, you’re not a doctor, so you can’t really do anything, can you? So yeah, she may die.”  He certainly isn’t going to think about Karen during sex, unless of course, she is smokin’ hot – er let's forget I said anything about that. But a woman’s mind is so vast and complex, there are almost an endless number of worries and stresses that can prevent those love juices from flowing.

Those ancient Indian guys realized this and came up with a way to get women totally relaxed and to empty their heads of all those inconvenient worries. And these guys were pure geniuses, because they combined this mental factor with the women getting all stretched out and limbered up, so they could then bend their bodies in a vast variety of physical positions – can anyone say Kama Sutra? This is just like foreplay before the foreplay.

After doing yoga, a woman is stress free, relaxed, with a clear mind.  In addition, all her essential female parts have been stretched out, primed, and limbered up.  All a guy has to do is show up, and shut up, and bada-bing, bada-boom! If you question the effectiveness of yoga, Indians + frequent sex =1.36 billion people.

Another connection between yoga and sex is that yoga has many different poses with catchy names, and sex can be done in many “labeled” positions (first identified by Indians, I might add) And my extensive research has found that some of these poses/positions are in fact the same. Okay, I actually didn’t try any of these. Full disclosure, okay so I did ask this babelicious Indian woman to assist in my research, but she slapped my face. No, I learned of these similarities on the Internet from an article titled: 10 Yoga Poses That Double as Sex Positions (Not making this up).

The first one in this article is called the “Plow Pose”. (I had to stop typing here to laugh). Yeah, I think if ladies strike this pose, there may be some plowin’
The infamous "Plow Pose"
about to happen. And the third one listed is the popular “Downward Dog”. The article states “Downward Dog allows for stimulation of the sensitive front vaginal wall”.

(Well of course it does! That’s all I need to prove my argument. I could stop writing this post right now, but I’m having too much fun)

Of course, the Downward Dog pose is also known in the mammal kingdom as the “Bitch in Heat” (and obviously I am using the term bitch purely in its caninical form). When a female, of any species, assumes this position, it says: “I’m extremely horny, please do me now, big boy!”  So guys, if your wife asks you to be her yoga spotter at home, gladly accept and tell her you want to teach her the Meshaftensidu pose.

And this raises an important question: Should a guy do yoga? Until I discovered the link between sex and yoga, the answer was an unequivocal “No”. But then I noticed my very average-looking friend Andy, posting photos of him with his gorgeous yoga mates after class. Therefore, if you are a single guy, hanging out and stretching with some women wearing yoga pants is not a bad way to kill some time. And after class, these women are relaxed, and limber, with very clear minds. Maybe you can offer to help a female classmate perfect her “Plow Pose”.  If you are a married guy, attending yoga classes with your wife is permissible, provided that soon after returning home you engage in some very tantric lovemaking, involving contortions that would not otherwise be attainable. If you are not getting any right after class, just stay home and watch the game.

Otherwise, I do not advocate yoga at all.  It is discriminatory against fat people, who are unable to bend their bodies into a pretzel. I know they encourage fat people to do yoga. But trust me, when your downward dog tips over, they aren’t laughing with you, they are so much laughing at you.  It is also discriminatory against old people. Old people can try to do yoga, but you risk being rushed to the emergency room where a team of medical professionals will attempt to untangle you before you die.  I feel like I’ve been doing yoga when I try to remove myself from my easy chair after siting too long.  It is the “Downward Butt” pose, and I’m a master of it!

And yoga for non-sexual purposes is extremely boring. That’s why they have to invent all these stupid types of yoga. These include Hot (Bikram) Yoga, done in a room with temperatures up to 108 degrees and Naked Yoga, just in case regular yoga is not sexually stimulating enough. The most ridiculous type is Goat Yoga, where they unleash a herd of goats to roam around the room as you do yoga poses. I believe this is insane, and also dangerous. Goats are frisky and unpredictable. There is absolutely no chance I’m going to bend over with my naughty bits in a vulnerable position, with a herd of naughty goats wandering around. A nuzzle is traumatic, a nibble excruciating.

Therefore, I think yoga is a total fraud that needs to be exposed. You will never see me in any yoga class, ever. However, yoga pants are a different thing entirely. I consider yoga pants one of the greatest inventions of this century.

Sunday, September 2, 2018

Why This Guy Slapped A Hippo On The Butt

A disturbing article, which was so alarming it appeared recently in both of my local newspapers, reports that a man smacked a hippo on the @ss. I don’t mean he slapped a rotund woman on the backside.  Saying that would be wrong, insensitive, and fat shaming.  That’s not how I do things, and you should be ashamed for even thinking that. No, this guy actually climbed over barriers at the Los Angeles Zoo and smacked a real hippopotamus on the rump.

Although the assaulted hippo did not react to the slap, the mother hippo standing next to her raised her head and appeared startled. Startled! Oh, the humanity! Well, maybe the hippanity. And the Los Angeles Police are reviewing a video of the incident and will charge the perpetrator with the awful crime of trespassing, if apprehended.

But why, oh why, did the scoundrel do this? Oh, no doubt he likes big butts, really big butts, and he cannot lie. And he cannot lie because the video clearly shows him sneaking into the hippo’s enclosure and slapping it’s @ss.
However, in no way did he assault that hippo. This was a light touch on an enormous tush. It was more like a love tap. Which of course, would be even more disturbing. This was a stupid prank, but not even close to anything nefarious.

So why was this reported as a heinous act against zoo creatures?  I blame the #MeToo movement.  Now this movement started off as a very legitimate response against men who had committed serious discretions against women. But then it went off the rails to include any male behavior that females don’t approve of. Unfortunately the Internet is too small to contain that list, which includes things such as “Men say stupid stuff”. OH THE HORROR!  So, I’m sure some gal set up a Twitter account for Rosie the Hippo (her real name) and tweeted #MeToo for her, so females around the globe could feel outrage and offense, because this monster had violated the hippo’s body.

However, I also blame the #MeToo movement for this outrageous event. This poor guy probably was used to smacking women’s butts all the time. Now that #MeToo has outlawed this type of behavior, the guy has nothing to spank! He sees this sexy big ol’ hippo butt just sitting there and he just can’t help himself. He then risks his life climbing into its enclave, to apply an affectionate love tap. He’s not a perpetrator in this, he’s a victim.

I realize this whole #MeToo thing is too confusing for guys. And this just makes things worse because men are already clueless about how to properly interact with women.  In this particular circumstance, men are totally confused because women fall into one of three categories:

1.    Women who never want guys to slap their @ss.
2.    Women who like it when guys slap their @ss, but pretend they don’t.
3.    Women who enjoy it when a guy slaps their @ss.

This is America, so woman have the right to resist invasions of their personal space. However, I will point out to the ladies in categories one and two, that there will come a day when you @ss will cease to be “slap-worthy”.

Now I know guys will argue “How are you supposed to know which group she belongs to, unless you slap her @ss first?” That may be true, but this is 2018, so you just can’t go around all slap happy and all that.

Because now guys are so perplexed and because guys need guidelines to follow because they are clueless, here are my rules about when it is acceptable to smack a woman on the @ss.

1.    Never smack a woman on the @ss that you don’t know (See Rule #5 for the exception). This applies even if that booty is phat and needs to be spanked.
2.    Never smack a woman on the @ss that you do know, in public.  The exception is that you may smack the tukus of your wife or girlfriend if you are complimenting about her feature to others. But under no circumstance should you smack your wife’s @ss in public and then shout “Whoa Jelly! Watch it shake!”
3.    You may smack a woman on the @ss anytime it is completely naked before you. However, it should not be done too hard or repeatedly, unless she instructs you to do so. And if she is one of those “Fifty Shades” ladies, these standard rules do not apply.
4.    Even the thinnest thong bikini means the buns are not “completely naked”. So, no slapping strangers (Rule #1) on the beach. I know you want to, but no.
5.    If you see a woman at the club shaking and twerking it on the dance floor who peaks your, er, fancy, you  may give her a gentle tap on the rump to show your interest. If she has a big butt, you may have to slap it or she may not feel it, just like Rosie. I am permitting this activity because the booming music at the club prevents pleasant conversation, so this is the best way for you to show your interest. After the tap, move back about six feet away from her. When she looks at you, smile, point at her booty and give the thumbs up. If she smiles back, then you can walk back and try to talk to her. If she scowls, escape quickly to the far end of the club. If her boyfriend caught you spanking his booty, run, run like hell.
6.    You may slap a female teammate on the @ss if she makes a good play during co-ed softball. You may do this because it is a baseball tradition. Just be aware if you slap Marge from Accounting’s large derriere during the game, she may misinterpret your action as not being sports related, and pursue your @ss for the next month.

This post has presented strictly as a public service for the benefit of civil interaction and to promote the propagation of the species.